From Zero to Drama in under 60

Just when you think that after 5 trying years, you've finally gotten used to each other, and can anticipate and avoid conflict and hurt feelings--BAM--out of nowhere, here comes DRAMA QUEEN (aka bio mom). Was she having a terrible day? Was she already several drinks in? PMS? Who knows...but this one really made me angry and left me completely bewildered. Here's my side of the story.

So, Jane's 13th birthday was last week. The summer calendar had been set up and distributed in May. Bio mom would be with Jane 2 days before and 2 days after her birthday. Jane would be with Dad on her actual birthday. Since we'd have the day together, I set up a surprise full spa day for her and her friends. This was going to be her gift from her dad and I this year. I sent out secret invitations and made reservations and ordered decorations, etc.

Well, a few days before, I hear Jane asking if some friends can come over to her mom's house the day after her birthday to celebrate. I discreetly texted her mom to let her know that some of those friends were coming to a party the day before, and I didn't want the surprise to be spoiled, but some of the friends might be wondering why they're invited to 2 different parties a day apart. Following?

Well that's when (you know what) hit the fan. I received a barrage of texts saying how inconsiderate it was for me to plan something for "her daughter's" special day. How could I not let her know sooner? How could I hurt her feelings and invite Jane's friends when she is the one who wants to invite the friends? Apparently "13" is a very special mother/daughter birthday and I was way over my boundaries to plan Jane a surprise birthday.

Naturally, I have numerous problems with this!!!

1. Jane is in dad's custody on her birthday. That means she is with me all day. What am I supposed to do? Sit around the house and not celebrate with her because I'm not her mother??

2. Jane had said for weeks leading up to it that her mother had nothing planned, and she may just get to go out to eat, but that's all.

3. Why am I inconsiderate for not sharing my plans? Does she ever share her plans with us? NO!

4. If 13 is such a special day for "her daughter", why didn't she make plans? She had 4 days surrounding the birthday to do something--anything.

5. Her son's--Jane's half-brother Jack-birthday is the day after Jane's. He turned 3. For the past 3 years, she has had a party planned for him--in advance--the week of their birthdays. For the past 3 years, Jane has gotten nothing--not even a cake--until a month or so later. And suddenly, this year, I'm supposed to believe she would actually put effort into Jane instead of Jack? Ummmm, no--again, you made your priority VERY clear. So excuse me if I show Jane a little attention and let her enjoy her birthday!

6. All of this is going on as my husband on one side of me is crying himself to sleep from just having said goodbye to his dad for the last time, and Jane is sad, but trying to be excited about her upcoming birthday. I was there trying to hold my family together. I didn't have time for this drama. How can I fall apart when everyone around is already distraught? So I never got to vent or scream or punch anything! I just had to suck it up and stay calm, (which is why I'm writing now that I'm alone!)

In reality, I know that it probably just made her feel like a failure and insecure that I had this awesome day planned for "her daughter" and she did nothing. But that doesn't take away the words she said or how she acted towards me. For the life of me, I cannot wrap my head around being so angry that my daughter is going to have a good birthday. I have tried and tried this week, but cannot understand what ticked her off. How selfish do you have to be that your only concern is whether it makes you look bad or not, or afraid that Jane may actually enjoy time with her stepmom? Shouldn't a mother be happy for her daughter? Shouldn't a mother be glad that someone is there to pick up her slack? I just don't get it.

Unconditionally

I've been thinking lately... what is it that makes us stepparents so insecure? Why do such little glitches in our blended families' routines send us into a frenzy with a thousand different "what if's" running through our heads? I've read enough from other stepmoms to know that I'm not alone in this, and I keep coming back to one thought: unconditional love. Do we have that from our stepkids? Do we give it to our stepkids?

We all know 99% of kids will love their bio mom throughout life, forgiving her faults, and always knowing that she is "home" and will be there no matter what. What about us? Every little mistake I make with the kids, I worry if they can forgive me and still like me. Why? Is it just in my head that their love for me is conditional, or is it in fact a love only there based on my actions and behavior towards them? Are children capable of loving two sets of parents equally and unconditionally? It seems a lot easier for my younger one. If I lose my temper with her, she is over it and forgiving me and cuddling five minutes later. The older one, I'm not so sure about. I wonder sometimes if she is keeping track of all my mistakes in her head to use them against me one day! Maybe I'm paranoid.

Then, there is also the fact that they will always have another mom to run to if they decide they have had enough of me and can't put up with me any more. Children with only bio parents don't have that luxury. I think that knowledge sometimes makes stepmoms more insecure; the fact that our kids don't really NEED us. So the question is, are we judging ourselves too much and assuming our kids do the same? Or do stepkids love stepparents conditionally? It seems every answer these days is, "Well, each case is unique and different." (I guess that is another way of leaving questions unanswered).

Now for the second question: Do we love our stepkids unconditionally? How dare I even ask, right? But let's be honest. The minute they start talking about "My other mom isn't this mean. She doesn't make us do this. She let's us...", don't you hear those ugly thoughts pop in your head too? You know what I'm talking about. "Well fine then. Maybe you should just stay with her all the time." Or "Really? If she is so nice, why did she cheat on your dad?" Also "Well if she is so great and I am so mean, maybe I'll just stop doing ALL the things I do for you, and then maybe you'll see. I'll stop buying you stupid little trinkets. I'll stop doing your laundry and fixing your dinner and getting you treats and bending over backwards to make sure you are happy at our house!" Tell me you've thought it too! Is this exhibiting unconditional love? Do we only love them when we are sure of their love for us? Are we so scared of being hurt by them that we hold back? If one day they do decide to stay with their mom, will I still feel the same towards them? These are answers I need to figure out of myself before I can expect unconditional love from them. I have to make sure I'm giving them some "no strings attached, I love you whether you like me or not, no matter who you live with later, I'll always be here for you" kind of love first.

Roller Coasters

I'm learning that in blended families there are lots and lots of additional opportunities for sudden and/or gradual "mood swings". Let me explain. We have the kids with us for a few days and everyone is clicking, routines are followed, and we excitedly plan the next few weeks out. The kids can't wait to come back. So we're happy, feeling like things are going well with the kids. And then, something comes up with the ex (because she hears how happily the kids are talking about their time at dad's and wants to sabotage it to bring the focus to herself). And then we get the "Oh my gosh, I just realized I need the girls with me on your day or weekend because of this or that." Never fails. It's like that every time something big is going on at either house. When we got a puppy, got the beach house, got married, the girls were always wanting to be with us and she would try to find ways to trump it. Then their mom got a puppy, got a new car, got a new house, had a baby--so at those times, they always want to be over there. I may buy them a single headband, and their mom then rushes them off on a "bribery-scapade" and gets them each hundreds of dollars worth of jewelry and accessories that they just bring over and never wear or take back to their mom's. It's back and forth, back and forth, each house always wanting the momentum of kid's affections swinging their way. What it boils down to is insecure and immature adults each craving the affirmation that "Yes, my kid loves me and won't stop just because they love their other family too."

I found out over this weekend that their mom cried and cried for hours last week just because Jane sent me a text that she had finished her book and was bored on a road trip with her mom. Her mom took that text to mean that Jane was blaming her for not having something to do. She said it hurt her feelings that Jane would text me about that. How ridiculous! First of all, the text said NOTHING about her mother. It just said "I finished my book and I'm bored in the car." How insecure must you be to get your feelings hurt over that? How sad for your kids that everything is always about YOU. Anyways, it is sad she is so emotionally immature, but I'm feeling pretty good that I am not nearly that insecure any more. I can tell I've made progress in that department, and it feels good. I actually just had my hair in a ponytail and wore an old sweatshirt around her this weekend and didn't care what she thought! (Okay, done tooting my own horn.)

The lesson is, I think that we in blended families need to learn to maintain a consistent, balanced energy in our homes with and without the kids, whether something big is happening that they are excited about, or whether it is just normal hum-drum stuff. If we teach them to be emotional roller-coasters by our own moods, it is only going to hinder them later in life. J and I have started telling them about all the fun things we do together even when they are not home, to show them we are happy and content. They may act upset and jealous that they miss certain things, but deep down I know they are happy to see us happy. We love having them with us, but life doesn't stop when they are not, and we want them to feel the same way too, no matter which family they are with.