Can't I just be daddy's fun, cool wife?

We've been pushing our girls SUPER hard the last 2 months to get along better; not fight; not bully; not insult each other; be kind. We have definitely seen some effort, and probably some improvement as well. I even framed little quotations in the hallway between their bedrooms as constant reminders: However, I've been asking myself, "Why am I the one doing this? Why do I care so much how they treat each other?" Their own mother said she doesn't think the girls will ever get along at this point, so don't even bother trying! I don't know when or why or how I have become this super-involved "parent." I lose my patience almost once a week. I always regret it and feel guilty for yelling instead of relaxing. I feel like I have come to the place of doing almost EVERYTHING a normal parent does. I have taken them to every dental, doctor, you-name-it appointment for the past 2 years (even when it's not my husband's custody day). I have to plan summer camps and register and take care of every little thing the school needs all the time. I have to get medications and refills and prescriptions. The organization stuff I can do. I'm good at it. But I'm not a good people person. I catch myself griping about a mess left over here, dirty clothes on the floor there, someone's bad attitude, or loud and wild craziness. I feel like my over-involvement is making me much less fun to be around. I don't want the girls to dread being with me because it's just a matter of time until one gets "yelled at." Jane has started giving me this huffy-puffy, so-annoyed, teenager-y attitude lately and it gets me SO flustered SO fast, I don't even have a second to check myself, and before you know it, I made her cry again. Isn't my job as "bonus mom" just supposed to be the fun-loving, no-stress, friendly "aunt" type of position? How have I become this over-bearing, everything has to be perfect, teach them to behave person? Maybe I see the need and feel like no one else is doing anything about it, so I feel obligated. But I fear they will grow to resent me very soon. How do I get back to being their daddy's fun, cool wife instead of the evil stepmother that I feel like?

Unhealthy Hostility

When I accepted my husband's proposal for marriage, I knew I was also accepting his two girls into my life--forever. What I was also accepting, however--as far from the forefront as my thoughts as it was--was his ex being part of my life--forever. Despite my early, naïve thinking that she would be a very insignificant factor in my new life--maybe to only be seen or heard from around birthdays or the holidays--the cold, hard truth is that she is very much a big part of our family life and she is here to stay. She'll never stop being their mom. Any hostility, resentment, insecurities, or jealousy on my part will only lead to my own unhappiness and miserable marriage. I had to realize that my negative comments or "Poor me--I don't have a say in anything. I'm just overlooked, neglected stepmom" attitudes are the exact opposite of what my family needs from me.

My husband just escaped a hostile environment. Divorce wasn't pleasant. There's always arguments and accusations, hurt feelings, court dates, dividing property, financial distress. He didn't endure that just to get back into a relationship with a negative, hostile person. And it seems like the more involved I get, the easier it is to fall into that negativity trap. I'm here to be his second wind, his breath of fresh air, a reminder that love CAN last, and trust IS attainable. So anytime I roll my eyes at the mention of her name, or mutter under my breath while he's talking to her on the phone, or act hurt when the oldest girl talks incessantly about memories of their family "before", I am doing a disservice. I am hurting, not helping. I am inviting unhealthy hostility into my life and the lives of my family.

I had to make a choice very early on in my blended family experience to GET OVER IT! I now am so involved in the girls' daily life and school happenings, that I communicate with her at least two or three times a week. At first it was just places and times to meet to drop off or pick up this or that. Gradually it has evolved to also include discussions of behavior, health, puberty, and what we need to work on. It's not always easy, but if I don't let my mind wander and dwell on the past, we work together pretty well. On the flip side, I have to walk a tight line and not get too involved or friendly with her to the point that I'm sharing and parenting more with her than with my husband. He doesn't want us to be "friends" because he knows I'm a very trusting person and could easily be hurt by her stabbing me in the back again.

So I must be friendly, but not friends.

I must be open, but not vulnerable.

I must be flexible, but not a push-over.

I must be non-judgmental, but not naïve.

I must be honest, but not mean.

I must communicate, but not overshare.

I must be very balanced!

It's easy to see now why so many stepmoms easily fall to one side or the other over time and have such huge frustrations because it's such a delicate balance. I feel like the old adage to "keep them at arm's length" is a good one to apply in this situation. Don't let her control your life, but be open enough to allow the kids to see a united blended family instead of all the unhealthy hostility.

New Year, New Me.... NOT!

What a whirlwind the holidays are! Finally had 2 quiet days to myself to get all the clutter put away and try to get back to some form of normalcy. It seems strange after having a full house for 9 straight days. I was determined this year not to get caught up in the "who has the girls when" drama. I let my husband handle it, as it should be, and did not over-react to anything he told me about the decisions. It actually went surprisingly smoothly, for the first Christmas in 5 years. There was no drama on either side, and everyone followed the pre-arranged calendar. Too good to be true? Yes. The drama came this year the first day back at school (yesterday). The bio mom started blowing up my husband's phone wanting the girls for MLK day (which is ours) and other odd random requests because she "misses them". Okay, sounds innocent enough, but here's the background: On her 8-day allotment of Christmas vacation with them, she never took 1 day off work, except to leave with her friends on a trip. The girls stayed with her in-laws the whole time. And now, she wants our time.... C'mon lady! Why didn't you use the 8 days you were given? Geeeezzzzz! I will never understand.

Enough about her. Let's talk about me! I had two goals for the New Year:

1. Don't let my husband's needs take second place to the girls. In other words, give him my best attention and love, and give the girls what is left over, not the other way around. He is my number one priority at the end of the day.

2. Stop talking at the girls and talk to them. Don't get frustrated and irritated so easily that I am constantly correcting or getting onto them 24/7. Let them make mistakes. Let them be kids. Let them learn on their own sometimes. Relax and stop expecting perfection from imperfect people.

Good ones, right? Well, let me tell you how that went. Day 2: Fail/Fail, to the extend of locking myself in the room and crying because I couldn't stop failing, especially on number 2! The girls were with me at home, and after so much time around each other, all they did was fight! They can't play together for 2 seconds without arguing over something, insulting each other, or being bullies. I could not keep myself from being frustrated. I had to be right with them constantly playing "referee" to maintain any kind of peace. Yeah, I like spending time with them, but not just to solve arguments. They are old enough to entertain themselves without a babysitter. So maybe my goal should be changed to "Go 10 minutes without yelling at them." At least that one is a little more achievable. I'm hoping with school back in, they will be a little nicer and easier to handle since they are separated all day!

On a side note, does anyone have a suggestion for a good book on sibling rivalry, especially relating to sisters? I may look into one that the three of us can read all together.

It's that time again...

It is getting closer to the time of year now where we have to get together several times as a "blended family" for different events. After not having any combined interaction for about 5 months with our kids' mother and stepdad, now we have volleyball games, basketball games, birthday parties, parent meetings at school, programs, recitals, and on and on for the next 3 months. In the past, I have always dreaded these events, and made myself so nervous for no reason. I would obsess about what to wear, what to say, how to act, and how the kids will treat me in front of them. This year, I'm pledging to change. I will not give it a second thought. I will act normally, just as I would if it were just our family going to the event. I have realized it doesn't matter what they think of me, and I probably will seem like a much nicer person if I am just cool and relaxed anyway. I am sure the girls have sensed the tension in the past, and I do not want that anymore. We can do this together and stop being so "fake friendly". This time I am honestly going to try to be genuinely friendly. I hope I'm not setting myself up for failure or disappointment. My husband will probably reap the biggest benefit from this change, because he won't have to blame himself for having me in this awkward situation anymore. He can relax knowing that I am relaxed. That is the plan anyway. Let's see how it works!