If Being a Stepmom Were a Picture

Yesterday, I was in a moment of extreme frustration, and one of those lightbulbs went off in my head saying "This is what being a stepmom is. Look around. This scene, this feeling, this frustration, this emotion... all of this literally defines 'stepmom'." I wish I had snapped a picture, but that would just be too perfect.

I was at Kate's 5th grade awards ceremony. The school makes a big deal of leaving 5th and heading to middle school, so I had bought Kate a nice dress and curled her hair, etc. At the ceremony, I was sitting in the back all ready with my camera when they called her name. Suddenly bio mom stands up right in the middle of the aisle 3 or 4 rows ahead of me, and STAYED STANDING THE ENITRE TIME Kate was up there. (Most parents kneel down or squat to make room and not block anyone else). So I couldn't get a single picture without her blocking my view.

And I thought, "Isn't this so true for stepmoms? We've done all the work behind the scenes to get them to this point. I've been the one signing papers and helping with projects and making her study and getting her ready for this day. Then when the moment to shine comes, it's all bio mom, and we are stuck behind her being blocked out by her big butt".... of course I mean that completely metaphorically ;)

But that just seems to be the lot for a majority of us, which honestly is fine with me. I don't want the glory or the spotlight, but at least one picture would have been nice! At the end I asked to see her awards and certificates, and Kate said her mom took them. When I asked to just look at them and give them back, bio mom said "No, I'll make copies for you", which she has said at every awards show for 5 years and we've never once received copies! Times like these, I feel so out of place, like I shouldn't even attend and I don't belong. But I hold it together and smile for Kate's sake. It's good practice for graduation and wedding day and every other important event still to come.

"It Can't Hurt to Ask"...

Have you ever heard the phrase "It can't hurt to ask"? And it's typically followed up by "The worst that can happen is you get told no." Sound familiar? Well, I'm not so sure I agree anymore. We asked and it did hurt. Here's the situation:

By some strange fluke calendar situation, bio mom was going to end up with 4 weekends in a row because April is her 5th weekend this year, and Mother's Day lands on the 1st weekend of May (usually ours) instead of the 2nd (hers anyway.) So, we realized this and J knew there was no way he was okay with her having 4 in a row! She whines and complains anytime they are with us just 2 in a row! So he very courteously explained to her what we discovered and asked if she would be gracious enough to let him have the second weekend in May. After ignoring his 3 texts for 9 days (not surprising), she finally responded with, "Well what weekend are you going to give me for that?" Seriously!!?? We don't have ANY weekends--that was the whole point! There is nothing we have to give. I was so hurt that she can never, ever seem to put herself in J's shoes. EVER. Do you think for one second she would be fine with us having 4 weekends in a row and not ask for some time? PLEASE!! We've seen it happen way too much. She begged and cried and practically forced us to come home early from a trip one Thanksgiving just because it had been "too long" since she saw them and "would never do that to us." YEAH RIGHT! You're doing it now! Just last month she was playing the "Don't make me feel bad for asking to see my children" card, and now J asks for something WAY more reasonable, and she can't understand? I'm so sick of the games and her just using her children to get what she wants.

Forget we even asked. Forget their DAD would love to see his own kids. Forget that they will resent you for keeping them from him one day. Forget that when you have them, you're not even with them because your social calendar is always too full. Forget that when they learn your awful behavior, you're always asking us to help fix it. Forget it all. I'm so done being hurt by these things over and over. I need to be less involved with all the details so I don't get so worked up. J is always choosing the high road and being the bigger person. I just don't know how he keeps on and keeps on. I need to learn his secret. I would never be able to hold back or bite my tongue after 8 years of this like he does.

So maybe it's true that it doesn't hurt to ask....if you're dealing with a reasonable, non-manipulative, non-psycho, non-narcissistic normal, caring human being who doesn't have their entitled-princess-syndrome blinders to the world on. Then maybe it wouldn't hurt.

Things I Wish I Could Say to You

Sometimes keeping all feelings, opinions, and emotions that have to do with bio mom locked away and unspoken is the hardest part of stepparenting. "Just shut up and smile" is almost never easy. So lately, here are all those things I've been wishing I could say out loud:

~ Teaching your 13 year old child that having a social life is more important than honesty or character is pathetic.

~ Making this 13 yr old girl feel like she is "late to the scene" for not having a boyfriend yet is completely unfathomable to me.

~ Allowing her to have Snapchat with no monitoring so she won't be "left behind" is downright naïve and stupid.

~ Lying to your children to make them think better of you will just come back to bite you in the butt.

~ Making their father feel petty and overprotective for demanding honesty and not tolerating sneakiness is only hurting your children.

~ Teaching them that "brand names" is all that matters will only have them running up your credit cards during high school and college. Hope you like paying all their bills.

~ Saying one thing to us and the opposite to them only encourages dishonesty and makes you look stupid when you tell them not to lie.

~ Enabling her to sneak around to meet a boy without her father finding out is SO FREAKING UNBELIEVABLE!! She's 13!!! Live your own social life and stop trying to live through her! You will only have yourself to blame when you have a 16-year old pregnant dropout who needs you to raise her child! Don't come crying to us! We have done all we could and you are just hell-bent on ruining our children!

But what do I know about parenting? I'm just the stepmom who has tried and tried to clean up all your dirty messes and teach morals and character despite everything they see from you. I just try to lead by example and love, love, love and give attention that they never get from you. My conscious is clean. On the other hand, I don't know how you ever get one second of sleep at night.

That felt good. Wish none of it were true.

Letting out Steam

Time to Vent! I apologize in advance if you think this blog is too negative or self-centered. But this is MY place to vent and get things off my chest so that it doesn't come between my husband or kids and I later.

So, let's go there and talk about completely incompetent bio-mom.

Number 1: Jane's pills. Jane has 2 monthly prescriptions for pills she takes every day, and has had to take a pill every day for 7 years, so this is nothing new. For the past 2 years, I have been responsible (to help out my husband) for calling in the scripts, going to physically pick up the scripts, dropping the scripts at the pharmacy, going back to pick up meds when ready, distributing half to bio mom. Yes, it's quite an ordeal, and saves my husband a lot of time. Well, bio mom's insurance changed and the prescribing doctor is no longer in network. Her words: "I'll take care of it." (Husband and I roll our eyes at each other.) Go figure, 30 days later Jane has no medicine and no new doctor. Bio mom: "I'll get it tomorrow." Tomorrow, bio mom to me: "I'm so busy, can you take care of Jane's pills?" My thinking: Really!! Wow, now that she's been without meds for several days and you've done nothing about it, you decide to ask me for help? You are completely laughable. I thought you "had it under control"? Ha. What a joke. I drive over to pick up her insurance cards, and kids say they've all been laying around watching TV for the last 3 hours! O.M.G!!! You were too freakin busy doing what? Sitting on your fat butt?? Unbelievable.

Guess what? It's now 30 days later again, and guess who still has no pills and no new doctor? Yeah. Guess "too-involved" little ol stepmom is going to have to handle this one too. What a surprise.

Number 2: Immunizations. So, an entire month before school started, I (yes, me-stepmom) had to take care of filling out registration forms for school, because--yeah, someone else had promised to do it and didn't. I immediately inform my husband and bio mom that Jane is going to need three shots before starting 7th grade. Bio mom: "I'll take care of it." Great. (A very sarcastic "great"). She proceeds to tell us the day before school that she checked with Jane's pediatrician and all her shots are up to date and she'll just turn in a shot record at school. Um, nooo--it doesn't work that way. Their school requires three specific shots the summer before 7th grade. It's impossible that she has gotten them already. My husband says, "Just let her do her thing and find out she's wrong later." So today we get the email from school: "Jane cannot come back on premises until she is compliant with immunization regulations." I did a HUGE "I told you so" dance in my head! Duh! What is she thinking anyway? But no one listens to stepmom. No, just slap my hand and tell me I'm too involved, and you can handle this because you're "the mom." Okay, sure, just like you handle everything else..... YOU DON'T!

So guess who has to schedule an emergency appointment for shots and rush the doctor note over to school so Jane doesn't miss many classes? Yep, you guessed it: stepmom. Apparently bio moms only want to take care of fun stuff like hair cuts and make up and fancy, cute clothes.

Summer Goals

Blogging will probably be scarce during the summer. I get so much less free time than I'm used to during the school year. Here's some goals I have for the girls and I to work on this summer during our time together:

JANE:

1. Honesty, honesty, honesty--No matter how small the lie, I want her to start recognizing every time she isn't telling the truth. She admitted last week that sometimes, she doesn't even realize she is lying. That means it could already be a habit for her, so we are going to work really hard on that.

2. Respecting adults and using manners--I've been a little concerned watching her interact with friends' parents and grandparents lately. She just takes things without asking, or doesn't say "please" and "thank-you". Being polite seems like a petty issue, but I think it will take her a long way when making friends and getting jobs, et cetera.

3. Being nice to Kate--This one just stays and stays and STAYS on the list!! I don't even need to explain. This issue makes me cry at night. I've talked and talked and made suggestions until I'm blue in the face. She just really needs to get a grip.

KATE:

1. Being argumentative--This has been driving me CRAZY lately! No matter what I say, how trivial or unimportant, she will argue, even when obviously dead wrong, just for the sake of arguing. I want to pull my hair out! Examples: Me-"Watch out for that rock in the way." K-"No, it's not a rock. It's a pebble." Me-"Can you pick up your towel please?" K-"That's not my towel." My head-(Clearly, yes it is, because you're the only one who just showered; it's your towel; and it's in your room... Why even deny or try to argue that? UUGGGHHHHHH!) Me-"Tomorrow is the last day of school." K-"No it's not. Thursday is." My head--TOMORROW IS THURSDAY!!! Do you understand my frustration?

2. Not taking Jane's meanness personally--Kate will cry herself to sleep after a rude comment from Jane. She's always been very emotional, and she takes everything to heart. She complains that she thinks Jane hates her and won't ever want to play with her again. She's afraid to ever tell on anything Jane does, or stick up for herself, for fear of Jane "getting mad" at her. It's so sad and breaks my heart. I wish she could see that Jane just says things without thinking because she is jealous or insecure.

I have no illusions of actually perfecting these things in one summer. I know kids are kids, and I don't expect them to be perfect. But we should always be striving towards goals of bettering ourselves, right? If we can make a little progress in these things this summer, I will feel successful. And of course, I hope we have lots of fun and laughter and smiles along the way.

Is Mother's Day for Me?

Mother's Day is around the corner, and I know that makes most stepmom's feel awkward and anxious. I know my first couple years at this were exactly that. I remember all those Mother's Days growing up in church and they would have all these different ladies come forward for a rose if they were the youngest mom or oldest mom or mom with the most kids or mom with the most generations alive, et cetera... I think about that now and feel bad for all the stepmoms who have been left out and made to feel unimportant or insignificant for all those years. I've been playing the role of Stepmom for about 4 years now, but this is my first officially married "Mrs. B" Mother's day. The first two years, my husband and kids didn't even give me a second thought on this day, which is perfectly logical because after all, we weren't even engaged yet, and I have no kids of my own. The day was all about his mom and their mom and my mom, and that's it. To be honest though, the second year, I felt a bit slighted. I mean, I had already quit my job to stay home and play Mom. I took over nanny, maid, and cooking duties. I ran all errands, attended all school functions, shopped for their clothes, fixed hair, et cetera... so I totally felt like a mom already, and was hoping that maybe one of them would think of me in that way and do something to recognize me as a "Mom." But the day came and went with just my inward disappointment, but knowing better than to say anything.

Last year, I was a month away from officially becoming Stepmom, and I have to say, my husband and kids did better. He bought me a card "from them" and let them sign their names.... (I was a little disappointed they weren't able to write me a personal note, but hey, at least it was something!). Jane texted me first thing in the morning "Happy Mother's Day! I love you!" which was very sweet, and Kate made me a craft at school and then called me and left a sweet message from her mom's phone later in the afternoon. So I was on cloud 9 just to know they actually think of ME on mother's day! There were times in the beginning of J and I's relationship that I would never have thought that possible. I will never have them with me on Mother's Day, but we can always celebrate the weekend before or after. It is enough to know that they think of me as Mom in some small ways, and that I'm able to have a little corner of their lives where I can nurture, help, love, and mother them in my own way. And to tell you the truth, it's almost a more relaxing treat to enjoy the weekend without having to do any of those Mom chores...so no pity parties here!

Here's some good articles for any struggling stepmoms out there:

Tips for Being a Stepmother on Mother's Day

What's a Stepmom to Do?

The Plight of Stepmoms on Mother's Day

Dealing with my choices

I chose to marry a man with kids. I chose to get very involved in their lives and love them like my own. Eventually, I chose to quit my job and work part-time from home so I could be even MORE involved and not leave their training up to a nanny. Some might call these choices reckless and dumb--trading a career for a non-thanks job of being with kids that aren't even my own. But they were my choices, and I have never regretted them. Lately, the work I do from home has been super slow, and I've been on the look-out for the perfect part-time 9-2 job, so I can still do everything I do and make a little cash on the side. Well, I finally found some promising-looking job ads yesterday, and set up interviews.

Then I was hit with a ton of bricks in the middle of the night, and sat straight up in bed with one thought: SUMMER.

I can't go back to work. Full time camps for the girls all summer would cost more than I would make working 25 or so hours a week. We don't have family in town to stay with them. So this morning I had to cancel the interviews. I was feeling a bit depressed to know that even if I wanted to go back to work, I can't. I've locked myself down at this point. I started thinking of all the things I would have to take time off for already if I did get a job--their dentist appointments, early release days, awards programs, art shows, taking them to their grandparents, dance recitals, voice recitals.... the list goes on. Reality has hit. I made my choice, and I can't go back. I'm stuck until these kids are mature enough to stay at home for a few hours on their own. I'm not complaining. There are tons of women out there who would kill to be able to stay home all day. I know that. It's just that the permanency of those choices I made a few years ago is just sinking in for me now. I don't stay home for me. I like working. I stay home for them. I hope one day when they make tough choices to put their kids first, they will remember some of the things that we did to put them first.

Never show up, but take all the credit

Our kids have had a lot of activities lately that have required a lot of time on our part. Jane had a Greek Festival at school, and had to wear a homemade Greek toga. Parents had to volunteer to go help out with the Greek Olympic races between the students. She didn't get any help from her mom for her costume, but instead put the entire responsibility on my shoulders the night before. So I did what I had to--made the costume and showed up to help with the games.

Her mother never showed up.

Kate had a cowboy breakfast at school to celebrate the Rodeo coming to town. It was to be a family affair, and everyone ordered breakfast tacos in advance. Her mom and stepdad placed an order and promised to be there. I waited and waited with her as she kept looking around, wondering where her mom was.

Her mother never showed up.

Jane had a middle school Neon Nights Glow party, and needed to go shopping for something fluorescent. Her mother promised to take her. It was 2 days before, and Jane still hadn't been shopping. So I finally had to take her shopping myself and took her to the party and chatted with other parents.

Her mother never showed up.

Kate signed up for basketball this season. She got a basketball goal as a birthday present back in November. I've practiced with her for hours and hours, teaching her the rules of the game, shooting skills, offense and defense, technique--everything--to help her be the best player she can be. So this last game, her mother showed up 30 minutes late. Kate was doing a great job on defense against an all boys team. At the end of the game, the stepdad walks over to my husband and says, "Did you see Kate guarding that player so well? Yeah, that was totally [bio mom's name]'s doing. She told her to do that!"

Wow! Really? She never played basketball with Kate, she shows up late, but she gets all the credit. Later, when the girls were out of earshot, J asked me how I liked that comment the stepdad made. He knew it would push my buttons. I just smiled and said, "Yeah, that's what Stepmom is all about."

The Entitlement Issue

I've noticed Jane demonstrating a new attitude lately that really gets under my skin--the whole "If I want it, I will have it" mentality. Now if you are grown and have worked to be able to provide yourself with everything you want, kudos to you. But an 11 year old--not so much. Examples:

"I need heart socks and headbands and earrings to wear every day for February. Think you can make that happen?"

"You have to do my nails with blah blah color and blah blah pattern for my school dance Friday."

"Uh, no....I'm not wearing this homemade toga for Greekfest (that you worked all day on and I forgot to tell you about until the day before.) You need to go to Party City and get me a real costume."

Yes, she is a very privileged child and has always received pretty much everything she wants. The difference is that now she is starting to demand it, and believes she is entitled to her every whim. I know she's a little old to start breaking her of this now, but what's been done in the past is past. We've got to address this attitude now. And it is very hard in a stepfamily to not give our child what they want, because in the back of our heads, we know if we say "No", they will just go demand it of their other set of parents. That won't teach them any lesson at all. Several times Jane has asked for something, and I have purchased whatever it is, and saved it for birthday, Christmas, Valentine's...whatever is next, only to find she went ahead and already got it out of her mom. So we have to approach this carefully. Maybe we should let her know she is going to get it if... and put conditions or chores on as a way of earning it instead of just being handed everything on a silver platter. She still may run to her mom for it, but maybe there will be less chance of that if she knows we are planning on it once she has earned it. I don't know. How do you other stepfamilies handle this entitlement attitude?

Mother

A fellow blogger was asking, "What is 'Mother'?" Here was my response:

As a girl, "Mother" was always there, available to listen even when I wouldn't talk, a constant source of instruction, a motivation to do better, an example of selfLESSness, hard-working, forgiving of all manner of injustices and hurts, a tough-love, no-nonsense authoritarian, and a sacrificial, loving friend.

As a step-mom now, I strive to be a great "Mother" also. However, it is without the reciprocated feelings from the children, without the attachment, the security of forever love, the acknowledgment, respect, or gratitude. Stripping a mother of these attributes feels somewhat like being a family planner, housekeeper, cook, and nanny all in one. There are rewards with stepchildren nonetheless--found in moments--however fleeting they may be. A moment when you feel you made a "connection"; a moment when they need you; a moment when they actually accept your help; a moment when they repeat something you said several weeks ago, and you realize they actually listen to you...sometimes. Moments like these make the step-mom position worth it.

As a wife observing the mother of my husband's kids, the meaning of "Mother" completely changes for me. It takes on an ugly side of selfishness, manipulation, laziness, and neglect that breaks my heart.

Quick update

I've got a million things going on right now, but who doesn't at this time of year? I just wanted to take a second to get on here real quick before I blink and it's the new year, and realize I haven't posted in 3 months! November has been great. We have had the girls with us 75% of the month, and the entire week of Thanksgiving, and for Kate's 8th birthday! It was marvelous, and I felt like we had a real family. Jane even came out of her shell and opened up quite a bit. She told me one day she is glad now for her step families, because having two moms makes getting to all her activities easier. It was so reassuring for her to tell me that. Now I've got to hold on to these feelings and relive these November moments over and over, because December will be the opposite story. They will be at their mom's 60-70% of the month until we get them for the 2nd week of winter break. It will be a good bonding time for me and J though, during our first Christmas as a married couple. Time and weekends will go by so quickly with all the shopping, wrapping, baking, decorating, etc. Have Happy Holidays, Blogger world, and may all the step families receive a special blessing! Cheers XOXO, K

Greater Joy, Greater Pain

"Kids say the darndest things." Isn't that the truth? Some things are profoundly more amusing as a step parent. Here's some things Kate has said in the past couple weeks:

"I'm so glad I don't have a wicked stepmom like Cinderella and Snow White did."

"I'm happy Daddy found you. It would be awful if I had a Mom and Dad at one house and just a Dad at the other house. Daddy is probably glad he found you too so he wouldn't have to pay a maid or babysitter anymore."

"You're the best mom ever. I would never want anyone else. You're pretty, and you love me, and Daddy loves you, and you take care of me. We really needed you when it was just Daddy and us. He couldn't ever fix my hair right!"

"I'm going to live with you until I'm 30. Then I'm going to buy the house next door to you. And if you and Daddy retire to live on an island like you say you are, then I'll live on the island with you. My husband will be there to take care of my kids and drive them around, but I'm staying with you. Wherever you move, I'm going too." Okay, Kate. Whatever you say! =)

These little things she says just make my day! Isn't it ironic how the more you love someone, the greater the joy they can bring you? But with that, the greater pain you feel in disappointments.

I love their innocent perspectives now as children, but a fear of mine is what their perspectives will be as adults. Will I just be "daddy's wife", or "that really strict stepmom we had growing up"? An even greater fear is, what will happen to me if something happens to J? I know I shouldn't think like that, but sometimes, I go there. I will no longer have kids or anyone close to me. Yeah, I was right--shouldn't think about that. Total downer.

Anyway, my method is to treasure each special moment I have with them now, so I can draw on the memories later to get me through the darker moments.

A Never-ending List

Being a stepmom requires a lot of patience and the ability to step back and look at the bigger picture. Sometimes I get so consumed with tiny day-to-day details that I miss watching these children grow up right in front of our eyes. As I am going through this experience, I have noticed the need to remind myself of certain things over and over. We all KNOW these things, but it takes constant reminding to actually put them into practice. Perhaps you can relate:

1. Look for the good in all situations... yes, even with the ex.

2. Don't worry about what I cannot control. Let it be.

3. Work on bettering myself, instead of trying to fix or find fault with everyone around me.

4. Accept my own short comings. I am not perfect. Don't expect others to be perfect either.

5. Look at the bigger picture. Does it really matter if they forgot to bring something back that I bought them? Will it matter 6 months from now?

6. The kids WILL turn out okay!! They are surrounded by love and have all their needs and wants met. Don't sweat the small stuff....

7. My priority is my husband. Don't lose sight of that with all this "mom" stuff. The kids need me to be a good wife to their daddy first and foremost.

8. Set a good example--in maturity, attitude, positivity, honesty, love, kindness, etc... They watch what I do more than they listen to what I say.

9. Let them be kids! Relax and stop being so demanding.

10. Focus on making our home loving and fun. Don't get consumed with the dynamics of their mom's home life, and don't make anything between our blended families a competition.

11. Go back through numbers 1 through 10 again!

Feel free to add your own reminders!

Humiliating Stepmom Moments

So, as all stepparents know, there are moments with stepchildren or ex's that aren't so smooth, especially in the beginning. I've had a few myself, and maybe you can relate, or it will make you feel better about yours. (Pretty much all the examples involve Kate, the younger daughter, because Jane is old enough to have a realization about the situation and actually tries very hard not to make anyone uncomfortable.)

1. Out at restaurant with the girls back as "just dad's girlfriend":

Waitress: "Mom, we'll sit you here by your girls."

Both girls together: "That's not our mom!"

Me: *Embarrassed. Don't have a reply.*

2. First time meeting J's parents--they are at our house for Christmas. Kate is sitting on my lap while everyone is around the table playing a game.

Kate: "Do you like my Mom?"

Me: (Secretly embarrassed she brought this up in front of J's parents, but trying to act cool) "Yes, of course I do. She's your mom, and I like anyone who loves you so much."

Kate: "Well, she doesn't like you. She told me so."

Everyone: Awkward, uncomfortable silence while J sends an angry text to the mother that no matter what her personal feelings are to never, ever talk negatively about me to his kids!

3. Another one involving the in-laws: J's mother called me the ex-wife's name in front of the kids three times! Awkward.

4. Picking up Kate from dance and she throws the "baby card" and curls up in her mom's car acting like she doesn't want to come with me. The Mom looking at me smugly like "Ha ha ha."

5. Daisy is the name of a dog that J and his ex-wife had, and the dog stayed with the ex-wife after the divorce. I was picking up Kate from dance once again, in front of her Mom.

Kate to me: "Do you miss Daisy?"

Me: "Well, I never lived with Daisy, so no, not really." Her mom and I actually shared confused glances on that one, not really sure what was going through her head. But I wasn't comfortable bringing up the fact that her dad and mom lived together with Daisy, with her mom standing right there either!

6. Both the Mom and I were standing in the area after a recital.

Kate: "Momma, look what I made."

The Mom: Turns to look, just to be horrified that Kate is speaking to Me!

Me: "Very nice, Kate!" (pretending I didn't notice what just happened)

7. At a wedding rehearsal, one of the relatives of the bride comes over to chit-chat.

Kate: "Guess what, I'm having a baby brother!"

Lady turning to me: "Oh, congratulations! When are you due?"

Me: (Probably thoroughly red in the face and wanting to crawl in a hole somewhere) "Oh no, it's not me. I'm her stepmom. Her mother is actually the one who is pregnant. No, no, really. Don't apologize. It's okay. This happens a lot." Blah, blah, blah...

8. At a birthday party of a classmate of Kate's:

Another mom: "Are you with...? Wait... I thought I already met Kate's mom? I'm sorry... I think I'm confused..."

Me: "No, no, it's okay. You probably did. I'm her Stepmom."

Lady: "Oh, Stepmom. Yeah."(Turns and walks away because who would want to socialize and gossip with a stepmom? C'mon!)

These moments used to really hurt and get me down for days. Now, I've learned to expect them and even manage to laugh about them. Oh, the joys of being a "Step"!

My OCD drives even me crazy!

Some days I hear myself talking and see myself running around like a busy-body, and I wonder how it is possible that my family tolerates me at all, much less even likes me! I feel like there are days where I am constantly correcting, getting after, nagging--whatever you wish to call it. I can feel myself being constantly upset, and I wish I would just relax and be happy. If I notice it, I'm sure my husband and stepkids do also! So I try to just sit back and have the attitude that "anything goes", and that drives me even more crazy!! I can only sit down and be at ease when everything around me is in order. Yes, I suffer from a major case of OCD. I'm always going around behind my family, picking up, closing doors, hanging up, folding, putting away, turning off lights, wiping up, straightening--and I have to seriously wonder if having a clean, orderly house is worth all the effort. What am I losing in the process? Does everyone view me as a complete nag who cannot relax? Would they rather have me not giving a care, and just be there only for fun and giggles? If so, I'm in need of a major personality makeover. I don't know if I can pick up one of those at the local Target or Wal-Mart.

It's that time again...

It is getting closer to the time of year now where we have to get together several times as a "blended family" for different events. After not having any combined interaction for about 5 months with our kids' mother and stepdad, now we have volleyball games, basketball games, birthday parties, parent meetings at school, programs, recitals, and on and on for the next 3 months. In the past, I have always dreaded these events, and made myself so nervous for no reason. I would obsess about what to wear, what to say, how to act, and how the kids will treat me in front of them. This year, I'm pledging to change. I will not give it a second thought. I will act normally, just as I would if it were just our family going to the event. I have realized it doesn't matter what they think of me, and I probably will seem like a much nicer person if I am just cool and relaxed anyway. I am sure the girls have sensed the tension in the past, and I do not want that anymore. We can do this together and stop being so "fake friendly". This time I am honestly going to try to be genuinely friendly. I hope I'm not setting myself up for failure or disappointment. My husband will probably reap the biggest benefit from this change, because he won't have to blame himself for having me in this awkward situation anymore. He can relax knowing that I am relaxed. That is the plan anyway. Let's see how it works!

Am I a mom?

So, there's something that has been nagging me lately... Am I a mom? I have been doing a lot of reading and research on being a stepmom lately, and have been exposed to several different, and some conflicting mindsets of other stepmoms out there. I have read all the way from one extreme of "Yes, you're a mom. They are your kids too. You can refer to yourself as 'mom' and discipline and make decisions for them" etc., all the way to the other extreme of "No. You are not a mom. You are their father's wife and that is all. You have no right to be an authority, be respected, correct, or be involved in their lives" etc., and about every position in between. So naturally, I think the answer lies somewhere in the middle, with a good balance of the two mindsets, but where exactly? I'm a person who likes to have rules and regulations drawn out in black and white for me so I know where to fit in, and where to stay away. I suppose every stepfamily has its own unique dynamic, which makes "where the stepmom fits in" a decision based on one's individual family's needs.

Certain days I feel like a total mom--running the kids around, helping with school work, fixing dinners, buying clothes, going to birthday parties, etc. Then, the kids are suddenly not here for a few days, and I look around at the empty house and think, "Okay, who am I now? I'm suddenly not mom anymore." So I go back to just being me the "wifey" and become comfortable with that, when suddenly--BAM!--the kids are back and I must become "mom" again. Having part-time kids is so confusing and wonderful and exhausting. I just feel like a tennis ball some days, being bounced around from one side of the court to the other.

Maybe the label of "mom" just isn't quite as important as the person I actually am. Maybe it shouldn't matter to me what label I give myself, and just focus on being the best wife I can and best stepmom I can, and just stop trying to figure it all out!

I'm so confused....

I received a twitter follower from a user a few days ago whose profile was all about "Step mothers". I thought that was interesting, so I followed her back, and found out she has an entire website, blog, book, etc. about the struggles of being a stepmom, practical advice, and so on. I never even knew that stuff existed! So I was reading through her blog, and now I'm afraid I have been going about the stepmom thing all wrong. I need to start over!

So I shouldn't discipline? I shouldn't try so hard to be a "parent"? Maybe I'm supposed to be just a fun, loving, non-authority figure? What? She has so many articles that hit so close to home for me. My kids have parents who can discipline them. It is NOT a contest to see who is a better Mom or who can get the most affection from the kids, or who the kids talk about more negatively... I realized all these things that circle through my head are NORMAL! Come to find out, all stepmoms struggle with that. All of us struggle to find our place in our family's life. Am I Mom? Am I like an Aunt? Am I a nanny? Am I dad's wife? Who am I and what is my role? Yes, I pick up from school, go to activities, do homework, cook, do laundry, buy them clothes... but where does it end? If I do all that, should I not also be able to correct when wrong is done? I should just stand by and let them mess up over and over? What about when their "Real parents" aren't around for any of the wrong-doing? Is it okay then to correct? Their was a phrase I read in one of the blog articles that stated "Connect, don't correct." That is actually a new concept for me. Yes, I feel connected to my stepkids, but I also correct them, and they take it well because of our connection. So, how do I handle all this new advice? I feel like I've been doing everything wrong, and I need a fresh start. I read so many helpful tips, but how do I digress to that silent, un-involved in anything other than "my business" partner? I am feeling like I have way overstepped my role in my new family. I have no answers right now... only questions. I encourage you to click on the link and check out her website. I may need to buy this book now!

So why should kids have internet access, again?

So this is when it all starts--the confrontations as your child gets older and the line between what is appropriate for their age and inappropriate is constantly being moved around. The "battle round" has begun already? We're going to be doing this for the next seven to ten years with Jane? UUggghhh! Here we go.

So we're having a good ol' time in Galveston with some friends for the weekend. Jane had just had a pretty bad week with grumpiness, bad grades, and snapping at adults, myself included. Now, I mentioned previously her mother had gotten her an iPhone for Christmas. (I still don't know why an iPhone, equipped with internet access was necessary! If she just wanted to be able to call and text her child, a regular non-smart phone would have served all the purposes of a 10 year old!) Okay, back to the point. So, yes, I will say it--I don't trust her with the internet! She is 11 now. She is a very curious child. She has been caught not once, or twice, but already three times since the age of 7 googling questions about sex. So, No, I don't trust her, and with good reason. I check her history from time to time to see what she's been up to. Well, I opened her history, and BOOM--like a ton of bricks, I knew right then my day was ruined. I became short of breath and started shaking uncontrollably, scrolling through pages and pages of you tube videos she had watched all night Tuesday night into Wednesday morning.... Well, no wonder she was so grumpy and getting bad grades! She hadn't slept. She took her phone with her to bed at her mother's (never would have been allowed at our house, by the way) and just went you tube crazy apparently. I guess the restriction settings are not strict enough on her phone, because she watched all sorts of "Nude scenes", "strippers" "hot girls private show", etc, etc... You get the point. I can't even type them all out, because it gets my blood boiling all over again.

Anyways, I called J in to see it, and Jane got into so much trouble. She has completely lost all electronics and privileges. She can only read and do schoolwork basically all day until she can gain our trust back. What makes me the saddest though, is that she can't "unsee" it. Her little immature 11-year-old mind is now forever filled with this garbage. When we talked about it after we both calmed down, and I was trying to get her to explain to me why she did it, I asked if she enjoyed what she saw. She said "NO." So I responded, "Well, then guess what? You should have hit the "Stop" button, or "Off" button, or anything except to KEEP watching these filthy things."

While she was back at school the next day, I sat down and wrote her a long "Lecture letter" like I used to get from my mom, and she got from her mom.... But I had Jane read it when she got home, and we were able to discuss a lot of things and talk calmly, knowing there would always be love between us, and that I'm not perfect and have made plenty of mistakes too, and that's why I'm here--is to help her through her mistakes. I had already had the sex talk with her about 6 months before, and we have discussed periods, and all that. So I reminded her again, if she's curious about something or has a question, come ask me. I've been very open with her. So, we're getting over that big event and she seems to be doing well with all the punishments.

Okay. Now for my BIGGEST frustration over the whole thing? GET THIS! You will not believe what you are about to read! Jane's mother, her own MOTHER says, "Oh, I can't take her phone away from her--she'll get mad at me." EXACT QUOTE!! Can you believe that? "Oh sure, I'd rather have my 11 year old girl watch porn on her phone, than to have her get upset with me." And you call yourself a mom? Get real. YOU ARE A JOKE! You are doing your daughter absolutely ZERO favors by being scared of her! You will have ZERO respect from her when she is older. Seriously??!! I have to stop. I'll go on and on. But I'm not out of line for that to bother me, am I?

Back in the groove...this time officially as a "parent"

Wow, what a summer! I haven't written in so long, because everything got crazy there in May with all the end of school year activities and recitals, and then of course June was our big wedding day. Summer got away from us so fast, and now we are back in another school year with a second and sixth grader!

Our wedding was beautiful. The girls walked their daddy down the aisle--it was so precious. They were both a big part of our day and we danced the night away together.

I had a great summer with the girls. They stayed home with me quite a bit in between camps. I prepared some lessons on character traits. So for about 30 minutes each day, we would sit down, learn a new trait, and review the old ones. We learned about Gratitude, Kindness, Diligence, Selflessness, Honesty, Patience, Self-control, Respect, and Obedience. We discussed the definitions of each, examples, benefits of possessing that trait, and the opposites of each. It really went over much better than I expected. I've never done anything like that before, and I thought they might just hate it. Jane ate it up...she loves learning things like this, loves chapel time at school, and sacred studies. Kate participated well, but it was a struggle to hold her attention at times and get her to remember definitions. So all summer long I was watching for them to show these traits themselves, and would write down their name each time they were "caught" showing good character traits. Then, they got treats on the last day of summer for how many times their names were written down. It was really fun, and Jane is already asking if we can do it again next summer. I have to admit, it felt like we were bonding even closer during those times, and it helped the girls get along better, because they wanted to have their names written down.

One really special thing that happened was Jane sent J and I a letter from camp one week, and addressed it "Dad and Mom". That was the first time she has referred to me as Mom. I loved it! Well, now they are back at school and we officially have a middle schooler! Scary. She has started wearing a little makeup to school, and cares about her appearance more and more. Their school has these little "dances" every few months, and it's really just a time for the kids to get together and have snacks in a completely safe, chaperoned atmosphere. Jane is excited and can't wait to get all dressed up for them.

Since school has started, I've been really bothered by the seeming lack of care they are receiving at their mother's house. It is actually breaking my heart. I picked them up on a Wednesday after school, and had last seen them when I dropped them off Monday at school. Both were wearing the exact same uniforms and undergarments! As I was picking up their clothes after showers that evening, I asked why they hadn't changed panties, and why they were wearing dirty clothes. They really didn't have an answer for me. Well, then this week when I picked them up, Kate's uniform dress was filthy and she didn't have any playground shorts on with it. So I asked again, and she told me she wore that dress 3 days in a row, and couldn't find any clean shorts to wear. So I asked if she could have her mom or grandma help her set out clothes the night before like we do, and she said "Mom's always too tired. She just sits on the couch and won't do anything because she's tired. Mary (the step-grandma) won't help me get ready in the mornings because she's too rushed and busy with Jack (their baby half-brother)." It killed me to hear that! I just held her and said "Oh Kate, I wish I could take care of you every morning. I know it's not your fault your clothes are all dirty. I just wish I could help." So now after this happening two weeks in a row, I'm really wondering if I should say something to the mother. I really, really want to, but I know she will probably take it wrong coming from me. J is worried about it too. He may be convinced to say something if it keeps happening. It's just so sad. Jane's school picture day is again on a day she's coming from her mother's, and she's really upset because no one will help fix her hair or make her look special for picture day. Kate's pictures have been on our days the last few years, and I always curl her hair and let her wear lip gloss, and special things like that. It just doesn't seem fair sometimes to only have them part-time! Other times, the break from kids is a God-send.... So I'm torn, but just have to keep loving and doing what I can.