If Being a Stepmom Were a Picture

Yesterday, I was in a moment of extreme frustration, and one of those lightbulbs went off in my head saying "This is what being a stepmom is. Look around. This scene, this feeling, this frustration, this emotion... all of this literally defines 'stepmom'." I wish I had snapped a picture, but that would just be too perfect.

I was at Kate's 5th grade awards ceremony. The school makes a big deal of leaving 5th and heading to middle school, so I had bought Kate a nice dress and curled her hair, etc. At the ceremony, I was sitting in the back all ready with my camera when they called her name. Suddenly bio mom stands up right in the middle of the aisle 3 or 4 rows ahead of me, and STAYED STANDING THE ENITRE TIME Kate was up there. (Most parents kneel down or squat to make room and not block anyone else). So I couldn't get a single picture without her blocking my view.

And I thought, "Isn't this so true for stepmoms? We've done all the work behind the scenes to get them to this point. I've been the one signing papers and helping with projects and making her study and getting her ready for this day. Then when the moment to shine comes, it's all bio mom, and we are stuck behind her being blocked out by her big butt".... of course I mean that completely metaphorically ;)

But that just seems to be the lot for a majority of us, which honestly is fine with me. I don't want the glory or the spotlight, but at least one picture would have been nice! At the end I asked to see her awards and certificates, and Kate said her mom took them. When I asked to just look at them and give them back, bio mom said "No, I'll make copies for you", which she has said at every awards show for 5 years and we've never once received copies! Times like these, I feel so out of place, like I shouldn't even attend and I don't belong. But I hold it together and smile for Kate's sake. It's good practice for graduation and wedding day and every other important event still to come.

I really need to vent.

Do you ever get to a point where you sit back and look at your life and wonder, "How in the world did I, ME, get to a place in my life where THIS is the stuff that is consuming my energy and stressing me out?" I mean, if you told me 10 years ago that I would be hopping mad over how my husband's ex-wife treats our kids, I would probably run the other way as fast as I could! But this is where I am in life, and yes, I am hopping mad! Three things:

1. Okay, remember last year, how she pitched a HUGE ROYAL fit about me planning a spa day for Jane's 13th birthday, and how dare I overstep such a sacred mommy-daughter thing, etc? Well, fast-forward to this year. Jane is scheduled to be in her care on her 14th birthday. We did our celebration early when she was with us--but only cake and presents--nothing extravagant, so that she can do all the over-the-top special little mommy-daughter stuff she pleases. Imagine my surprise then (not really!) when I find out she left Jane FOR 3 STRAIGHT DAYS, BIRTHDAY INCLUDED with a new, not-so-close friend so bio mom could leave town, and come back to town her birthday night, but instead of seeing her daughter, go to a concert instead!! And I was out of line for actually spending her birthday WITH her? MIND-BLOWN! Need I say more?

2. The second thing getting my blood boiling is how she handled Kate's dance lessons for this year. There was a registration day every week starting back in June at the dance school Kate has attended since the age of 3. Guess who never went to one of them? Yeah. So school starts and Kate still can't tell me what day her dance lessons are this year, so I pick up the phone and ask. Here's what I get: "Well, I didn't register her because I wanted to look at a dance school that's closer to our new house. Well, also I didn't think she wanted to take dance any more. Well, I just haven't had time. And you know I had to wait to make sure it didn't interfere with volleyball, and ...... " Yeah, I've heard enough. Kate beside me started crying her eyes out. She couldn't believe she wasn't even signed up, and definitely would not want to change schools. So I offer to see if there are any openings on my days and I would just take her. Suddenly, OMG, NO WAY! She found an immediate opening on her day for the exact class Kate wanted. Just too flipping lazy to ever take initiative on these things.

3. Number three-- a really good one. She called my husband at work this week to say that I have been making Jane feel bad every time I make a comment about how far our drive to school is, and I really need to stop saying anything about it. WHAT?? I HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS WITH THIS! First of all lady, you move an hour away from us last minute, and tell me not to say a word about it? Seriously, are you the one sitting in a car for 4 hours a day? Are you the one who has to make a 2 hour round trip just to see your kid sit on the bench at her volleyball game? Are you the one who is being forced to move into an area you don't even like? NO. Second, don't you dare EVER call MY husband to complain about me. If you have a problem with me, call me! You two are not on a team against me, EVER! And you never will be! Third, don't make this about Jane feeling bad. No. Jane doesn't feel bad--it's you who is just sick of feeling guilty for what you did to us. Oh, the nerve of some people! She is so consumed with herself, she can't see past her own nose!

If you're still reading, I apologize for all that negative energy. Just had to get it off my chest without annoying the hubby.

"It Can't Hurt to Ask"...

Have you ever heard the phrase "It can't hurt to ask"? And it's typically followed up by "The worst that can happen is you get told no." Sound familiar? Well, I'm not so sure I agree anymore. We asked and it did hurt. Here's the situation:

By some strange fluke calendar situation, bio mom was going to end up with 4 weekends in a row because April is her 5th weekend this year, and Mother's Day lands on the 1st weekend of May (usually ours) instead of the 2nd (hers anyway.) So, we realized this and J knew there was no way he was okay with her having 4 in a row! She whines and complains anytime they are with us just 2 in a row! So he very courteously explained to her what we discovered and asked if she would be gracious enough to let him have the second weekend in May. After ignoring his 3 texts for 9 days (not surprising), she finally responded with, "Well what weekend are you going to give me for that?" Seriously!!?? We don't have ANY weekends--that was the whole point! There is nothing we have to give. I was so hurt that she can never, ever seem to put herself in J's shoes. EVER. Do you think for one second she would be fine with us having 4 weekends in a row and not ask for some time? PLEASE!! We've seen it happen way too much. She begged and cried and practically forced us to come home early from a trip one Thanksgiving just because it had been "too long" since she saw them and "would never do that to us." YEAH RIGHT! You're doing it now! Just last month she was playing the "Don't make me feel bad for asking to see my children" card, and now J asks for something WAY more reasonable, and she can't understand? I'm so sick of the games and her just using her children to get what she wants.

Forget we even asked. Forget their DAD would love to see his own kids. Forget that they will resent you for keeping them from him one day. Forget that when you have them, you're not even with them because your social calendar is always too full. Forget that when they learn your awful behavior, you're always asking us to help fix it. Forget it all. I'm so done being hurt by these things over and over. I need to be less involved with all the details so I don't get so worked up. J is always choosing the high road and being the bigger person. I just don't know how he keeps on and keeps on. I need to learn his secret. I would never be able to hold back or bite my tongue after 8 years of this like he does.

So maybe it's true that it doesn't hurt to ask....if you're dealing with a reasonable, non-manipulative, non-psycho, non-narcissistic normal, caring human being who doesn't have their entitled-princess-syndrome blinders to the world on. Then maybe it wouldn't hurt.

Things I Wish I Could Say to You

Sometimes keeping all feelings, opinions, and emotions that have to do with bio mom locked away and unspoken is the hardest part of stepparenting. "Just shut up and smile" is almost never easy. So lately, here are all those things I've been wishing I could say out loud:

~ Teaching your 13 year old child that having a social life is more important than honesty or character is pathetic.

~ Making this 13 yr old girl feel like she is "late to the scene" for not having a boyfriend yet is completely unfathomable to me.

~ Allowing her to have Snapchat with no monitoring so she won't be "left behind" is downright naïve and stupid.

~ Lying to your children to make them think better of you will just come back to bite you in the butt.

~ Making their father feel petty and overprotective for demanding honesty and not tolerating sneakiness is only hurting your children.

~ Teaching them that "brand names" is all that matters will only have them running up your credit cards during high school and college. Hope you like paying all their bills.

~ Saying one thing to us and the opposite to them only encourages dishonesty and makes you look stupid when you tell them not to lie.

~ Enabling her to sneak around to meet a boy without her father finding out is SO FREAKING UNBELIEVABLE!! She's 13!!! Live your own social life and stop trying to live through her! You will only have yourself to blame when you have a 16-year old pregnant dropout who needs you to raise her child! Don't come crying to us! We have done all we could and you are just hell-bent on ruining our children!

But what do I know about parenting? I'm just the stepmom who has tried and tried to clean up all your dirty messes and teach morals and character despite everything they see from you. I just try to lead by example and love, love, love and give attention that they never get from you. My conscious is clean. On the other hand, I don't know how you ever get one second of sleep at night.

That felt good. Wish none of it were true.

Not feelin' the love...

This week I feel like a live-in maid/nanny. It hurts because I try so hard to be more. But I'm not. I need to be a wife and that's all.

Letting out Steam

Time to Vent! I apologize in advance if you think this blog is too negative or self-centered. But this is MY place to vent and get things off my chest so that it doesn't come between my husband or kids and I later.

So, let's go there and talk about completely incompetent bio-mom.

Number 1: Jane's pills. Jane has 2 monthly prescriptions for pills she takes every day, and has had to take a pill every day for 7 years, so this is nothing new. For the past 2 years, I have been responsible (to help out my husband) for calling in the scripts, going to physically pick up the scripts, dropping the scripts at the pharmacy, going back to pick up meds when ready, distributing half to bio mom. Yes, it's quite an ordeal, and saves my husband a lot of time. Well, bio mom's insurance changed and the prescribing doctor is no longer in network. Her words: "I'll take care of it." (Husband and I roll our eyes at each other.) Go figure, 30 days later Jane has no medicine and no new doctor. Bio mom: "I'll get it tomorrow." Tomorrow, bio mom to me: "I'm so busy, can you take care of Jane's pills?" My thinking: Really!! Wow, now that she's been without meds for several days and you've done nothing about it, you decide to ask me for help? You are completely laughable. I thought you "had it under control"? Ha. What a joke. I drive over to pick up her insurance cards, and kids say they've all been laying around watching TV for the last 3 hours! O.M.G!!! You were too freakin busy doing what? Sitting on your fat butt?? Unbelievable.

Guess what? It's now 30 days later again, and guess who still has no pills and no new doctor? Yeah. Guess "too-involved" little ol stepmom is going to have to handle this one too. What a surprise.

Number 2: Immunizations. So, an entire month before school started, I (yes, me-stepmom) had to take care of filling out registration forms for school, because--yeah, someone else had promised to do it and didn't. I immediately inform my husband and bio mom that Jane is going to need three shots before starting 7th grade. Bio mom: "I'll take care of it." Great. (A very sarcastic "great"). She proceeds to tell us the day before school that she checked with Jane's pediatrician and all her shots are up to date and she'll just turn in a shot record at school. Um, nooo--it doesn't work that way. Their school requires three specific shots the summer before 7th grade. It's impossible that she has gotten them already. My husband says, "Just let her do her thing and find out she's wrong later." So today we get the email from school: "Jane cannot come back on premises until she is compliant with immunization regulations." I did a HUGE "I told you so" dance in my head! Duh! What is she thinking anyway? But no one listens to stepmom. No, just slap my hand and tell me I'm too involved, and you can handle this because you're "the mom." Okay, sure, just like you handle everything else..... YOU DON'T!

So guess who has to schedule an emergency appointment for shots and rush the doctor note over to school so Jane doesn't miss many classes? Yep, you guessed it: stepmom. Apparently bio moms only want to take care of fun stuff like hair cuts and make up and fancy, cute clothes.

Summer Goals

Blogging will probably be scarce during the summer. I get so much less free time than I'm used to during the school year. Here's some goals I have for the girls and I to work on this summer during our time together:

JANE:

1. Honesty, honesty, honesty--No matter how small the lie, I want her to start recognizing every time she isn't telling the truth. She admitted last week that sometimes, she doesn't even realize she is lying. That means it could already be a habit for her, so we are going to work really hard on that.

2. Respecting adults and using manners--I've been a little concerned watching her interact with friends' parents and grandparents lately. She just takes things without asking, or doesn't say "please" and "thank-you". Being polite seems like a petty issue, but I think it will take her a long way when making friends and getting jobs, et cetera.

3. Being nice to Kate--This one just stays and stays and STAYS on the list!! I don't even need to explain. This issue makes me cry at night. I've talked and talked and made suggestions until I'm blue in the face. She just really needs to get a grip.

KATE:

1. Being argumentative--This has been driving me CRAZY lately! No matter what I say, how trivial or unimportant, she will argue, even when obviously dead wrong, just for the sake of arguing. I want to pull my hair out! Examples: Me-"Watch out for that rock in the way." K-"No, it's not a rock. It's a pebble." Me-"Can you pick up your towel please?" K-"That's not my towel." My head-(Clearly, yes it is, because you're the only one who just showered; it's your towel; and it's in your room... Why even deny or try to argue that? UUGGGHHHHHH!) Me-"Tomorrow is the last day of school." K-"No it's not. Thursday is." My head--TOMORROW IS THURSDAY!!! Do you understand my frustration?

2. Not taking Jane's meanness personally--Kate will cry herself to sleep after a rude comment from Jane. She's always been very emotional, and she takes everything to heart. She complains that she thinks Jane hates her and won't ever want to play with her again. She's afraid to ever tell on anything Jane does, or stick up for herself, for fear of Jane "getting mad" at her. It's so sad and breaks my heart. I wish she could see that Jane just says things without thinking because she is jealous or insecure.

I have no illusions of actually perfecting these things in one summer. I know kids are kids, and I don't expect them to be perfect. But we should always be striving towards goals of bettering ourselves, right? If we can make a little progress in these things this summer, I will feel successful. And of course, I hope we have lots of fun and laughter and smiles along the way.

Is Mother's Day for Me?

Mother's Day is around the corner, and I know that makes most stepmom's feel awkward and anxious. I know my first couple years at this were exactly that. I remember all those Mother's Days growing up in church and they would have all these different ladies come forward for a rose if they were the youngest mom or oldest mom or mom with the most kids or mom with the most generations alive, et cetera... I think about that now and feel bad for all the stepmoms who have been left out and made to feel unimportant or insignificant for all those years. I've been playing the role of Stepmom for about 4 years now, but this is my first officially married "Mrs. B" Mother's day. The first two years, my husband and kids didn't even give me a second thought on this day, which is perfectly logical because after all, we weren't even engaged yet, and I have no kids of my own. The day was all about his mom and their mom and my mom, and that's it. To be honest though, the second year, I felt a bit slighted. I mean, I had already quit my job to stay home and play Mom. I took over nanny, maid, and cooking duties. I ran all errands, attended all school functions, shopped for their clothes, fixed hair, et cetera... so I totally felt like a mom already, and was hoping that maybe one of them would think of me in that way and do something to recognize me as a "Mom." But the day came and went with just my inward disappointment, but knowing better than to say anything.

Last year, I was a month away from officially becoming Stepmom, and I have to say, my husband and kids did better. He bought me a card "from them" and let them sign their names.... (I was a little disappointed they weren't able to write me a personal note, but hey, at least it was something!). Jane texted me first thing in the morning "Happy Mother's Day! I love you!" which was very sweet, and Kate made me a craft at school and then called me and left a sweet message from her mom's phone later in the afternoon. So I was on cloud 9 just to know they actually think of ME on mother's day! There were times in the beginning of J and I's relationship that I would never have thought that possible. I will never have them with me on Mother's Day, but we can always celebrate the weekend before or after. It is enough to know that they think of me as Mom in some small ways, and that I'm able to have a little corner of their lives where I can nurture, help, love, and mother them in my own way. And to tell you the truth, it's almost a more relaxing treat to enjoy the weekend without having to do any of those Mom chores...so no pity parties here!

Here's some good articles for any struggling stepmoms out there:

Tips for Being a Stepmother on Mother's Day

What's a Stepmom to Do?

The Plight of Stepmoms on Mother's Day

Dealing with my choices

I chose to marry a man with kids. I chose to get very involved in their lives and love them like my own. Eventually, I chose to quit my job and work part-time from home so I could be even MORE involved and not leave their training up to a nanny. Some might call these choices reckless and dumb--trading a career for a non-thanks job of being with kids that aren't even my own. But they were my choices, and I have never regretted them. Lately, the work I do from home has been super slow, and I've been on the look-out for the perfect part-time 9-2 job, so I can still do everything I do and make a little cash on the side. Well, I finally found some promising-looking job ads yesterday, and set up interviews.

Then I was hit with a ton of bricks in the middle of the night, and sat straight up in bed with one thought: SUMMER.

I can't go back to work. Full time camps for the girls all summer would cost more than I would make working 25 or so hours a week. We don't have family in town to stay with them. So this morning I had to cancel the interviews. I was feeling a bit depressed to know that even if I wanted to go back to work, I can't. I've locked myself down at this point. I started thinking of all the things I would have to take time off for already if I did get a job--their dentist appointments, early release days, awards programs, art shows, taking them to their grandparents, dance recitals, voice recitals.... the list goes on. Reality has hit. I made my choice, and I can't go back. I'm stuck until these kids are mature enough to stay at home for a few hours on their own. I'm not complaining. There are tons of women out there who would kill to be able to stay home all day. I know that. It's just that the permanency of those choices I made a few years ago is just sinking in for me now. I don't stay home for me. I like working. I stay home for them. I hope one day when they make tough choices to put their kids first, they will remember some of the things that we did to put them first.

Never show up, but take all the credit

Our kids have had a lot of activities lately that have required a lot of time on our part. Jane had a Greek Festival at school, and had to wear a homemade Greek toga. Parents had to volunteer to go help out with the Greek Olympic races between the students. She didn't get any help from her mom for her costume, but instead put the entire responsibility on my shoulders the night before. So I did what I had to--made the costume and showed up to help with the games.

Her mother never showed up.

Kate had a cowboy breakfast at school to celebrate the Rodeo coming to town. It was to be a family affair, and everyone ordered breakfast tacos in advance. Her mom and stepdad placed an order and promised to be there. I waited and waited with her as she kept looking around, wondering where her mom was.

Her mother never showed up.

Jane had a middle school Neon Nights Glow party, and needed to go shopping for something fluorescent. Her mother promised to take her. It was 2 days before, and Jane still hadn't been shopping. So I finally had to take her shopping myself and took her to the party and chatted with other parents.

Her mother never showed up.

Kate signed up for basketball this season. She got a basketball goal as a birthday present back in November. I've practiced with her for hours and hours, teaching her the rules of the game, shooting skills, offense and defense, technique--everything--to help her be the best player she can be. So this last game, her mother showed up 30 minutes late. Kate was doing a great job on defense against an all boys team. At the end of the game, the stepdad walks over to my husband and says, "Did you see Kate guarding that player so well? Yeah, that was totally [bio mom's name]'s doing. She told her to do that!"

Wow! Really? She never played basketball with Kate, she shows up late, but she gets all the credit. Later, when the girls were out of earshot, J asked me how I liked that comment the stepdad made. He knew it would push my buttons. I just smiled and said, "Yeah, that's what Stepmom is all about."

The Entitlement Issue

I've noticed Jane demonstrating a new attitude lately that really gets under my skin--the whole "If I want it, I will have it" mentality. Now if you are grown and have worked to be able to provide yourself with everything you want, kudos to you. But an 11 year old--not so much. Examples:

"I need heart socks and headbands and earrings to wear every day for February. Think you can make that happen?"

"You have to do my nails with blah blah color and blah blah pattern for my school dance Friday."

"Uh, no....I'm not wearing this homemade toga for Greekfest (that you worked all day on and I forgot to tell you about until the day before.) You need to go to Party City and get me a real costume."

Yes, she is a very privileged child and has always received pretty much everything she wants. The difference is that now she is starting to demand it, and believes she is entitled to her every whim. I know she's a little old to start breaking her of this now, but what's been done in the past is past. We've got to address this attitude now. And it is very hard in a stepfamily to not give our child what they want, because in the back of our heads, we know if we say "No", they will just go demand it of their other set of parents. That won't teach them any lesson at all. Several times Jane has asked for something, and I have purchased whatever it is, and saved it for birthday, Christmas, Valentine's...whatever is next, only to find she went ahead and already got it out of her mom. So we have to approach this carefully. Maybe we should let her know she is going to get it if... and put conditions or chores on as a way of earning it instead of just being handed everything on a silver platter. She still may run to her mom for it, but maybe there will be less chance of that if she knows we are planning on it once she has earned it. I don't know. How do you other stepfamilies handle this entitlement attitude?

Mother

A fellow blogger was asking, "What is 'Mother'?" Here was my response:

As a girl, "Mother" was always there, available to listen even when I wouldn't talk, a constant source of instruction, a motivation to do better, an example of selfLESSness, hard-working, forgiving of all manner of injustices and hurts, a tough-love, no-nonsense authoritarian, and a sacrificial, loving friend.

As a step-mom now, I strive to be a great "Mother" also. However, it is without the reciprocated feelings from the children, without the attachment, the security of forever love, the acknowledgment, respect, or gratitude. Stripping a mother of these attributes feels somewhat like being a family planner, housekeeper, cook, and nanny all in one. There are rewards with stepchildren nonetheless--found in moments--however fleeting they may be. A moment when you feel you made a "connection"; a moment when they need you; a moment when they actually accept your help; a moment when they repeat something you said several weeks ago, and you realize they actually listen to you...sometimes. Moments like these make the step-mom position worth it.

As a wife observing the mother of my husband's kids, the meaning of "Mother" completely changes for me. It takes on an ugly side of selfishness, manipulation, laziness, and neglect that breaks my heart.

Must Read Article

This article was being passed around on FB this week, and I really think we should all take a few minutes to read it:

What Really Happens When We Give Kids Everything They Want

I think there is even greater danger in blended families of the problems mentioned in this article because in addition to the kids being pressured by their peers, we parents are pressured by the other set of parents. "Well, if her mom buys her $80 Sperry's, then I better go get her a pair too so she won't like her mom more than me." This kind of insecure reasoning and bending over backwards to make sure we get our kids everything they want, and do a better job than their other parents is very destructive to building character in the kids' lives. I was reminded of that this Christmas, when Jane came over wearing a new present from her mom--a hoodie from Victoria's Secret Pink. Sure, it was innocent enough with just the word "Pink" and a picture of the dog, but J and I have a major problem with it. We don't want our 11 year old daughter wearing a brand of clothes that is all about sex. We don't want men or boys looking at her and thinking "Victoria's Secret" at 11. How do we tell her? I got two words out of my mouth, and she immediately went to defense mode--"Isabella and Becca and Casey all wear it." It's tough, but we have to stick to boundaries even if it makes us the "mean" ones, or if it worries us that they will resent us, and want to be around the parent that lets them do whatever they want.

That's where I get discouraged and want to give up so many times. I put so much energy into teaching, teaching, teaching, but then for 50% of their lives, the lessons are either opposite, or just not reinforced at all. So I ask myself time and time again, "What is the point?" Why do all this teaching and character-building, risking their dislike, when it's not going anywhere because of lack of reinforcement? Amy I wasting my time? Should I just be fun and let whatever chaos of the day rule the home, since that is what happens at their mom's? No, I don't think so. If one or both of them ends up being a better person because of my influence, then it is worth it, and I can go to sleep each night knowing I am doing and have done everything within my power to affect these girls toward as much good as I possibly can. Whether anyone ever realizes it or thanks me doesn't matter.

Quick update

I've got a million things going on right now, but who doesn't at this time of year? I just wanted to take a second to get on here real quick before I blink and it's the new year, and realize I haven't posted in 3 months! November has been great. We have had the girls with us 75% of the month, and the entire week of Thanksgiving, and for Kate's 8th birthday! It was marvelous, and I felt like we had a real family. Jane even came out of her shell and opened up quite a bit. She told me one day she is glad now for her step families, because having two moms makes getting to all her activities easier. It was so reassuring for her to tell me that. Now I've got to hold on to these feelings and relive these November moments over and over, because December will be the opposite story. They will be at their mom's 60-70% of the month until we get them for the 2nd week of winter break. It will be a good bonding time for me and J though, during our first Christmas as a married couple. Time and weekends will go by so quickly with all the shopping, wrapping, baking, decorating, etc. Have Happy Holidays, Blogger world, and may all the step families receive a special blessing! Cheers XOXO, K

Greater Joy, Greater Pain

"Kids say the darndest things." Isn't that the truth? Some things are profoundly more amusing as a step parent. Here's some things Kate has said in the past couple weeks:

"I'm so glad I don't have a wicked stepmom like Cinderella and Snow White did."

"I'm happy Daddy found you. It would be awful if I had a Mom and Dad at one house and just a Dad at the other house. Daddy is probably glad he found you too so he wouldn't have to pay a maid or babysitter anymore."

"You're the best mom ever. I would never want anyone else. You're pretty, and you love me, and Daddy loves you, and you take care of me. We really needed you when it was just Daddy and us. He couldn't ever fix my hair right!"

"I'm going to live with you until I'm 30. Then I'm going to buy the house next door to you. And if you and Daddy retire to live on an island like you say you are, then I'll live on the island with you. My husband will be there to take care of my kids and drive them around, but I'm staying with you. Wherever you move, I'm going too." Okay, Kate. Whatever you say! =)

These little things she says just make my day! Isn't it ironic how the more you love someone, the greater the joy they can bring you? But with that, the greater pain you feel in disappointments.

I love their innocent perspectives now as children, but a fear of mine is what their perspectives will be as adults. Will I just be "daddy's wife", or "that really strict stepmom we had growing up"? An even greater fear is, what will happen to me if something happens to J? I know I shouldn't think like that, but sometimes, I go there. I will no longer have kids or anyone close to me. Yeah, I was right--shouldn't think about that. Total downer.

Anyway, my method is to treasure each special moment I have with them now, so I can draw on the memories later to get me through the darker moments.

A Never-ending List

Being a stepmom requires a lot of patience and the ability to step back and look at the bigger picture. Sometimes I get so consumed with tiny day-to-day details that I miss watching these children grow up right in front of our eyes. As I am going through this experience, I have noticed the need to remind myself of certain things over and over. We all KNOW these things, but it takes constant reminding to actually put them into practice. Perhaps you can relate:

1. Look for the good in all situations... yes, even with the ex.

2. Don't worry about what I cannot control. Let it be.

3. Work on bettering myself, instead of trying to fix or find fault with everyone around me.

4. Accept my own short comings. I am not perfect. Don't expect others to be perfect either.

5. Look at the bigger picture. Does it really matter if they forgot to bring something back that I bought them? Will it matter 6 months from now?

6. The kids WILL turn out okay!! They are surrounded by love and have all their needs and wants met. Don't sweat the small stuff....

7. My priority is my husband. Don't lose sight of that with all this "mom" stuff. The kids need me to be a good wife to their daddy first and foremost.

8. Set a good example--in maturity, attitude, positivity, honesty, love, kindness, etc... They watch what I do more than they listen to what I say.

9. Let them be kids! Relax and stop being so demanding.

10. Focus on making our home loving and fun. Don't get consumed with the dynamics of their mom's home life, and don't make anything between our blended families a competition.

11. Go back through numbers 1 through 10 again!

Feel free to add your own reminders!

Humiliating Stepmom Moments

So, as all stepparents know, there are moments with stepchildren or ex's that aren't so smooth, especially in the beginning. I've had a few myself, and maybe you can relate, or it will make you feel better about yours. (Pretty much all the examples involve Kate, the younger daughter, because Jane is old enough to have a realization about the situation and actually tries very hard not to make anyone uncomfortable.)

1. Out at restaurant with the girls back as "just dad's girlfriend":

Waitress: "Mom, we'll sit you here by your girls."

Both girls together: "That's not our mom!"

Me: *Embarrassed. Don't have a reply.*

2. First time meeting J's parents--they are at our house for Christmas. Kate is sitting on my lap while everyone is around the table playing a game.

Kate: "Do you like my Mom?"

Me: (Secretly embarrassed she brought this up in front of J's parents, but trying to act cool) "Yes, of course I do. She's your mom, and I like anyone who loves you so much."

Kate: "Well, she doesn't like you. She told me so."

Everyone: Awkward, uncomfortable silence while J sends an angry text to the mother that no matter what her personal feelings are to never, ever talk negatively about me to his kids!

3. Another one involving the in-laws: J's mother called me the ex-wife's name in front of the kids three times! Awkward.

4. Picking up Kate from dance and she throws the "baby card" and curls up in her mom's car acting like she doesn't want to come with me. The Mom looking at me smugly like "Ha ha ha."

5. Daisy is the name of a dog that J and his ex-wife had, and the dog stayed with the ex-wife after the divorce. I was picking up Kate from dance once again, in front of her Mom.

Kate to me: "Do you miss Daisy?"

Me: "Well, I never lived with Daisy, so no, not really." Her mom and I actually shared confused glances on that one, not really sure what was going through her head. But I wasn't comfortable bringing up the fact that her dad and mom lived together with Daisy, with her mom standing right there either!

6. Both the Mom and I were standing in the area after a recital.

Kate: "Momma, look what I made."

The Mom: Turns to look, just to be horrified that Kate is speaking to Me!

Me: "Very nice, Kate!" (pretending I didn't notice what just happened)

7. At a wedding rehearsal, one of the relatives of the bride comes over to chit-chat.

Kate: "Guess what, I'm having a baby brother!"

Lady turning to me: "Oh, congratulations! When are you due?"

Me: (Probably thoroughly red in the face and wanting to crawl in a hole somewhere) "Oh no, it's not me. I'm her stepmom. Her mother is actually the one who is pregnant. No, no, really. Don't apologize. It's okay. This happens a lot." Blah, blah, blah...

8. At a birthday party of a classmate of Kate's:

Another mom: "Are you with...? Wait... I thought I already met Kate's mom? I'm sorry... I think I'm confused..."

Me: "No, no, it's okay. You probably did. I'm her Stepmom."

Lady: "Oh, Stepmom. Yeah."(Turns and walks away because who would want to socialize and gossip with a stepmom? C'mon!)

These moments used to really hurt and get me down for days. Now, I've learned to expect them and even manage to laugh about them. Oh, the joys of being a "Step"!

My OCD drives even me crazy!

Some days I hear myself talking and see myself running around like a busy-body, and I wonder how it is possible that my family tolerates me at all, much less even likes me! I feel like there are days where I am constantly correcting, getting after, nagging--whatever you wish to call it. I can feel myself being constantly upset, and I wish I would just relax and be happy. If I notice it, I'm sure my husband and stepkids do also! So I try to just sit back and have the attitude that "anything goes", and that drives me even more crazy!! I can only sit down and be at ease when everything around me is in order. Yes, I suffer from a major case of OCD. I'm always going around behind my family, picking up, closing doors, hanging up, folding, putting away, turning off lights, wiping up, straightening--and I have to seriously wonder if having a clean, orderly house is worth all the effort. What am I losing in the process? Does everyone view me as a complete nag who cannot relax? Would they rather have me not giving a care, and just be there only for fun and giggles? If so, I'm in need of a major personality makeover. I don't know if I can pick up one of those at the local Target or Wal-Mart.

It's that time again...

It is getting closer to the time of year now where we have to get together several times as a "blended family" for different events. After not having any combined interaction for about 5 months with our kids' mother and stepdad, now we have volleyball games, basketball games, birthday parties, parent meetings at school, programs, recitals, and on and on for the next 3 months. In the past, I have always dreaded these events, and made myself so nervous for no reason. I would obsess about what to wear, what to say, how to act, and how the kids will treat me in front of them. This year, I'm pledging to change. I will not give it a second thought. I will act normally, just as I would if it were just our family going to the event. I have realized it doesn't matter what they think of me, and I probably will seem like a much nicer person if I am just cool and relaxed anyway. I am sure the girls have sensed the tension in the past, and I do not want that anymore. We can do this together and stop being so "fake friendly". This time I am honestly going to try to be genuinely friendly. I hope I'm not setting myself up for failure or disappointment. My husband will probably reap the biggest benefit from this change, because he won't have to blame himself for having me in this awkward situation anymore. He can relax knowing that I am relaxed. That is the plan anyway. Let's see how it works!

Inflated ego one second...then deflated the next.

Is this a typical phenomena in parenting? One second your kid says something so genuinely sweet and kind, that it sends you walking on clouds, and the next second, they do something so horribly rude and disrespectful, you find yourself falling so hard and landing flat on your face? Well, it happened to me, and I get the feeling I'm not alone.

Yesterday after school, the subject of a parenting seminar offered at school came up. Jane asked if I was going.

Me: "No."

Jane: "Good."

Me: "Why good? Don't you think I should go learn how to be a better parent?"

Jane: "NO! I like you just the way you are. Don't change."

Ahhh! What sweet words to my little stepmom ego. "She actually likes the way I parent!! Who woulda thought?"

Well fast forward a couple hours, and POP goes my ego. Remember, she is still on electronics restrictions at our house. Well, I found on her phone this new game she had been playing at her mom's involving male and female characters with quests to become "romantically involved with three other characters" and "have babies"! WILL SHE EVER LEARN?? I'm literally pulling my hair out at this point. J and I are on the way to ask her mother to PLEASE downgrade her phone to an old kind that just texts and calls... no internet or games! We'll see how this goes over! You can bet we will not be making the same mistake of trusting Kate with internet privileges at too young of an age. Maybe in five years, we'll try again!