Sick and tired...

I never realized that marrying a divorced man meant tying on a 5'11" 160 pound weight around my neck for the next 12 years of my life. Every single little thing we want to do has to go through her first. It almost feels like being a child and needing permission from a parent for everything I do. You want examples? Good--I could go on for days...

~We need passports renewed for our summer trip. Oh wait, she has to fill out a form to give us permission. Oh, her dumb butt filled it out wrong and has to redo it? Yeah, so now if she doesn't fix it in time, we lose our money and summer trip.

~We want to leave town an hour early for Spring Break? Oh right, we have to let her know anytime we pull the kids out of school (even if all they are missing is PE and she never returns the favor of letting us know).

~We want to sign Kate up for club sports? Better make sure her mother is okay with that.

~It's our turn to pick our summer dates first, and we gave them to her 2 months early. But wait, she has a problem with the dates we picked and wants us to change them to be more convenient for her.

~We want to take the kids to see a movie, but they feel awkward because their mother told them she wanted to take them.

~We have annual physical and dental appointments set up for them a year in advance, only to find out the day before their mother called and canceled without letting us know. Thanks.

~Hubby wants to let Jane do an amusement ride she's begging to do that requires a waiver, but wait--he has to call her mother first and make sure she's okay with it.

~We want to get tickets to a certain play or concert coming to town? Oh, better not do that before we check if she's already planning to take them.

~God forbid I want to get them a haircut before a trip even if it's really necessary because the one time I did, caused THE WORLD'S BIGGEST FIREWORKS SHOW. Hair and beauty is HER thing, and I am not to ever cross that line.

~We want some standards of dress now that Jane isn't wearing uniforms to school, and the one time I questioned her outfit, she replies "Well my mom said I could wear this." Ummmmm, Did I ask you what your mom said? No.

~We wanted to go out to eat at a certain restaurant, only to be greeted with "We just went there with mom last night". Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize even my freaking eating choices were going to be dictated by that woman.

I'm sure you're sick of hearing all these by now.... but yeah, that's my life, and I could go on and on. Being run by a woman who used to share a bed with my husband. Fantastic. To all you stepmoms out there who keep on keeping on through all this mess and manage to stay happy and fulfilled, I applaud you. Seriously.

What I've learned...

I learned something this week--hopefully for the last time!

DON'T EVER EMAIL THE EX!

No matter what.

Even if you feel you need to be heard.

Even if you are just defending your husband.

No matter what she did.

No matter how bad it is.

No matter if you feel she needs to understand your hurt.

No matter if it kills you to keep quiet.

JUST DON'T EVER, EVER EMAIL HER TO SAY YOU'RE UPSET, TO GIVE YOUR OPINION, TO DISCUSS SOMETHING THAT BOTHERED YOU.

Just stop opening your mouth. Just drive the kids around and keep the house clean and food in their bellies. That's it.

It will just get turned around and explode in your face EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

You can't ever win with a manipulative narcissist.

DON'T DO IT.

Manipulation--Playing Dirty

Previously, I mentioned that there has been very little communication with bio mom and stepdad lately--since they moved. Well, the last few weeks of school, we had to see them and be pleasant and act like we're all great friends for 4 or 5 different events, recitals, etc. That caused some major stress! Still they carefully avoided me and spoke only to hubby J for whatever reason. Maybe he's less threatening than I am. And then the summer schedule began.

I made it very clear when distributing the calendars with camp and activity info that I could no longer do both drop off and pick up for the girls (as I have been taken advantage to do for the past 3 years because stepdad's mom is too lazy to ever come get them.) With the huge distance factor now, I wanted to stand up for myself and set boundaries. I'll pick up on our days. You pick up on your days--as it should be. Of course, I got no response.

So the first two times now that they should have come to pick up (once the grandma, once bio mom), they have called Jane and had her ask me to take them to meet half way. Seriously?? Why put Jane in the middle of this? Now if I say no, I look like the "mean, unwilling to be flexible and help out" person. And there's ALWAYS a sob story attached like "Well we just want to have time to eat lunch with your stepdad, and if I come all the way to get you, we won't have time." So if I say no, now I'm preventing them having lunch together. It's just outright low and dirty manipulation. Have the courage to call and ask me myself. Don't use your child to get your way. I feel as if Jane and I are just puppets on the ends of her strings. I want to scream "YOU'RE THE IDIOT THAT MOVED AN HOUR AWAY. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID SOB STORIES OF WHY YOU CAN'T COME PICK UP YOUR KIDS! DON'T TRY TO GUILT TRIP ME INTO HELPING OUT WITH THE INCONVENIENCES THAT YOU CAUSED!!!!"

I need to figure out a way before next time to say no without looking bad to Jane and Kate. They see what I do for them. They know I've done all the driving for the past 3 years. I hope they will understand that I can't let people walk all over me, even when those are people they love.