Ramblings with No Subject!

I have so much in my heart and head right now that I just need to get out.  This will probably be the most random, unorganized post you've ever read because I'm just sorting through my thoughts as I type them!

The summer is going pretty well so far.  We are always so busy in June.  We have my husband's birthday and Father's Day, my birthday, and our anniversary to celebrate.  (Let's not talk about how much weight I put on this month after all those treats!)  The girls have been with me most of June so far, but will be away most of July at camps and vacation with their mom.

They have been doing really well with their behavior  They are NOT nice to each other, but the amount of rudeness and mean comments to each other seems to be decreasing.  I'm happy if they are just neutral.  I don't force them to be kind, but I don't tolerate rudeness.  We have to start somewhere!  Maybe once they're in their 30's, they'll finally be friends!

If you've read my other posts, you know we're working with Jane on what's appropriate for her age, and what is too "adult-ish".  We thought her mom was on-board and supportive with this, but Jane came over the other day with an adult women's magazine, and said her mom gave it to her so she could look at the pictures of stylish clothes.  Well, I don't know how stuck in the sand bio-mom's head is, but I don't know a single 12-year old girl who would not read the articles about "How to spice up your sex life"  and "10 ways to make your man find you irresistible" and so on.  Unbelievable!!  Why would she let her have that magazine?  Then we also hear from Kate that Jane is allowed to watch the TV show Friends at her mom's house, which has tons of sex scenes and conversations in it.  I don't want to HIDE sex from her and make it some big mystery that she's not allowed to know about, but at the same time, I don't want to FEED it to her all the time and give her access to all kinds of details she shouldn't know yet.

It's so frustrating when we try to set standards and boundaries for her here, and then there is no support at her other house.  Her mom tries so hard to be a friend instead of a parent.  It is also very hard to try to explain to her that we don't think she is old enough for things that her mom allows, without sounding negative about her mother.

Then Kate broke my heart last night and today saying she didn't want to go back to her mother's house.  She wanted to stay with me.  She curled up in the back seat in their driveway and said if they didn't see her, she didn't have to get out.  Could I just take her back to our house.  It made me so sad, because of course I would LOVE to take her home with me!!  She had a bad dream about our pet Lab dying and was sobbing uncontrollably all morning, which made it even harder to make her leave.  =(

My mom came to visit for a few days, and it was the first time the girls have really been able to spend time with her and get to know each other a little bit.  It felt good to watch them just accept her for who she is and want to learn about her, and talk and play together.  The girls loved hearing stories about how I behaved as a child and finding out why I'm such a "perfectionist" about things.

Everything else filling up my thoughts isn't related to being "stepmom" so I'll spare you all!  Hope everyone is enjoying their summer!

Summer Goals

Blogging will probably be scarce during the summer. I get so much less free time than I'm used to during the school year. Here's some goals I have for the girls and I to work on this summer during our time together:

JANE:

1. Honesty, honesty, honesty--No matter how small the lie, I want her to start recognizing every time she isn't telling the truth. She admitted last week that sometimes, she doesn't even realize she is lying. That means it could already be a habit for her, so we are going to work really hard on that.

2. Respecting adults and using manners--I've been a little concerned watching her interact with friends' parents and grandparents lately. She just takes things without asking, or doesn't say "please" and "thank-you". Being polite seems like a petty issue, but I think it will take her a long way when making friends and getting jobs, et cetera.

3. Being nice to Kate--This one just stays and stays and STAYS on the list!! I don't even need to explain. This issue makes me cry at night. I've talked and talked and made suggestions until I'm blue in the face. She just really needs to get a grip.

KATE:

1. Being argumentative--This has been driving me CRAZY lately! No matter what I say, how trivial or unimportant, she will argue, even when obviously dead wrong, just for the sake of arguing. I want to pull my hair out! Examples: Me-"Watch out for that rock in the way." K-"No, it's not a rock. It's a pebble." Me-"Can you pick up your towel please?" K-"That's not my towel." My head-(Clearly, yes it is, because you're the only one who just showered; it's your towel; and it's in your room... Why even deny or try to argue that? UUGGGHHHHHH!) Me-"Tomorrow is the last day of school." K-"No it's not. Thursday is." My head--TOMORROW IS THURSDAY!!! Do you understand my frustration?

2. Not taking Jane's meanness personally--Kate will cry herself to sleep after a rude comment from Jane. She's always been very emotional, and she takes everything to heart. She complains that she thinks Jane hates her and won't ever want to play with her again. She's afraid to ever tell on anything Jane does, or stick up for herself, for fear of Jane "getting mad" at her. It's so sad and breaks my heart. I wish she could see that Jane just says things without thinking because she is jealous or insecure.

I have no illusions of actually perfecting these things in one summer. I know kids are kids, and I don't expect them to be perfect. But we should always be striving towards goals of bettering ourselves, right? If we can make a little progress in these things this summer, I will feel successful. And of course, I hope we have lots of fun and laughter and smiles along the way.

New Year, New Me.... NOT!

What a whirlwind the holidays are! Finally had 2 quiet days to myself to get all the clutter put away and try to get back to some form of normalcy. It seems strange after having a full house for 9 straight days. I was determined this year not to get caught up in the "who has the girls when" drama. I let my husband handle it, as it should be, and did not over-react to anything he told me about the decisions. It actually went surprisingly smoothly, for the first Christmas in 5 years. There was no drama on either side, and everyone followed the pre-arranged calendar. Too good to be true? Yes. The drama came this year the first day back at school (yesterday). The bio mom started blowing up my husband's phone wanting the girls for MLK day (which is ours) and other odd random requests because she "misses them". Okay, sounds innocent enough, but here's the background: On her 8-day allotment of Christmas vacation with them, she never took 1 day off work, except to leave with her friends on a trip. The girls stayed with her in-laws the whole time. And now, she wants our time.... C'mon lady! Why didn't you use the 8 days you were given? Geeeezzzzz! I will never understand.

Enough about her. Let's talk about me! I had two goals for the New Year:

1. Don't let my husband's needs take second place to the girls. In other words, give him my best attention and love, and give the girls what is left over, not the other way around. He is my number one priority at the end of the day.

2. Stop talking at the girls and talk to them. Don't get frustrated and irritated so easily that I am constantly correcting or getting onto them 24/7. Let them make mistakes. Let them be kids. Let them learn on their own sometimes. Relax and stop expecting perfection from imperfect people.

Good ones, right? Well, let me tell you how that went. Day 2: Fail/Fail, to the extend of locking myself in the room and crying because I couldn't stop failing, especially on number 2! The girls were with me at home, and after so much time around each other, all they did was fight! They can't play together for 2 seconds without arguing over something, insulting each other, or being bullies. I could not keep myself from being frustrated. I had to be right with them constantly playing "referee" to maintain any kind of peace. Yeah, I like spending time with them, but not just to solve arguments. They are old enough to entertain themselves without a babysitter. So maybe my goal should be changed to "Go 10 minutes without yelling at them." At least that one is a little more achievable. I'm hoping with school back in, they will be a little nicer and easier to handle since they are separated all day!

On a side note, does anyone have a suggestion for a good book on sibling rivalry, especially relating to sisters? I may look into one that the three of us can read all together.