Summer Goals

Blogging will probably be scarce during the summer. I get so much less free time than I'm used to during the school year. Here's some goals I have for the girls and I to work on this summer during our time together:

JANE:

1. Honesty, honesty, honesty--No matter how small the lie, I want her to start recognizing every time she isn't telling the truth. She admitted last week that sometimes, she doesn't even realize she is lying. That means it could already be a habit for her, so we are going to work really hard on that.

2. Respecting adults and using manners--I've been a little concerned watching her interact with friends' parents and grandparents lately. She just takes things without asking, or doesn't say "please" and "thank-you". Being polite seems like a petty issue, but I think it will take her a long way when making friends and getting jobs, et cetera.

3. Being nice to Kate--This one just stays and stays and STAYS on the list!! I don't even need to explain. This issue makes me cry at night. I've talked and talked and made suggestions until I'm blue in the face. She just really needs to get a grip.

KATE:

1. Being argumentative--This has been driving me CRAZY lately! No matter what I say, how trivial or unimportant, she will argue, even when obviously dead wrong, just for the sake of arguing. I want to pull my hair out! Examples: Me-"Watch out for that rock in the way." K-"No, it's not a rock. It's a pebble." Me-"Can you pick up your towel please?" K-"That's not my towel." My head-(Clearly, yes it is, because you're the only one who just showered; it's your towel; and it's in your room... Why even deny or try to argue that? UUGGGHHHHHH!) Me-"Tomorrow is the last day of school." K-"No it's not. Thursday is." My head--TOMORROW IS THURSDAY!!! Do you understand my frustration?

2. Not taking Jane's meanness personally--Kate will cry herself to sleep after a rude comment from Jane. She's always been very emotional, and she takes everything to heart. She complains that she thinks Jane hates her and won't ever want to play with her again. She's afraid to ever tell on anything Jane does, or stick up for herself, for fear of Jane "getting mad" at her. It's so sad and breaks my heart. I wish she could see that Jane just says things without thinking because she is jealous or insecure.

I have no illusions of actually perfecting these things in one summer. I know kids are kids, and I don't expect them to be perfect. But we should always be striving towards goals of bettering ourselves, right? If we can make a little progress in these things this summer, I will feel successful. And of course, I hope we have lots of fun and laughter and smiles along the way.

Is Mother's Day for Me?

Mother's Day is around the corner, and I know that makes most stepmom's feel awkward and anxious. I know my first couple years at this were exactly that. I remember all those Mother's Days growing up in church and they would have all these different ladies come forward for a rose if they were the youngest mom or oldest mom or mom with the most kids or mom with the most generations alive, et cetera... I think about that now and feel bad for all the stepmoms who have been left out and made to feel unimportant or insignificant for all those years. I've been playing the role of Stepmom for about 4 years now, but this is my first officially married "Mrs. B" Mother's day. The first two years, my husband and kids didn't even give me a second thought on this day, which is perfectly logical because after all, we weren't even engaged yet, and I have no kids of my own. The day was all about his mom and their mom and my mom, and that's it. To be honest though, the second year, I felt a bit slighted. I mean, I had already quit my job to stay home and play Mom. I took over nanny, maid, and cooking duties. I ran all errands, attended all school functions, shopped for their clothes, fixed hair, et cetera... so I totally felt like a mom already, and was hoping that maybe one of them would think of me in that way and do something to recognize me as a "Mom." But the day came and went with just my inward disappointment, but knowing better than to say anything.

Last year, I was a month away from officially becoming Stepmom, and I have to say, my husband and kids did better. He bought me a card "from them" and let them sign their names.... (I was a little disappointed they weren't able to write me a personal note, but hey, at least it was something!). Jane texted me first thing in the morning "Happy Mother's Day! I love you!" which was very sweet, and Kate made me a craft at school and then called me and left a sweet message from her mom's phone later in the afternoon. So I was on cloud 9 just to know they actually think of ME on mother's day! There were times in the beginning of J and I's relationship that I would never have thought that possible. I will never have them with me on Mother's Day, but we can always celebrate the weekend before or after. It is enough to know that they think of me as Mom in some small ways, and that I'm able to have a little corner of their lives where I can nurture, help, love, and mother them in my own way. And to tell you the truth, it's almost a more relaxing treat to enjoy the weekend without having to do any of those Mom chores...so no pity parties here!

Here's some good articles for any struggling stepmoms out there:

Tips for Being a Stepmother on Mother's Day

What's a Stepmom to Do?

The Plight of Stepmoms on Mother's Day

Hitting a Low

Year 2014 is proving to be a constant overwhelming struggle with Jane. Two weeks into the year, she received the "gift of womanhood" (if you know what I mean), and it has been straight downhill from there. She has been guilty of so much deceit, lies, sneakiness, rudeness, disrespect, bad attitudes--I mean, you name it, she's probably done it. She has been "in trouble" practically the whole year. The latest offense was finding her chatting online in a game with some boy and saying "I love you"--all of which had been strictly against clearly given rules. All four of us parents in this blended family situation have had to come together so many times lately and discuss how to best help her learn. That may be the ONLY thing helping Jane right now, is that she is finally seeing the four of us as a united front, all backing each other up, instead of knowing she can get away with this or that with one or the other. It's been rough. You hate to have to discipline your child so much, but you fear what may happen if you just let it go. Then you worry about her becoming depressed, down on herself, and emotionally locked out, and what damage that could cause. Every time we reward her for doing something praiseworthy, we find something the very next day that needs punished. I know I shouldn't stress over labels, but I'm starting to feel that she's a "troubled" child, because nothing we do seems to make a difference or impact on her. We've tried every sort of method and approach imaginable, and she just doesn't respond. This parenting thing is tough! I really, really hope that she doesn't behave like this for the next seven years. I don't think I can handle fighting her will and discovering her deceitfulness that much longer. Maybe she's just getting it out early, and the teen years will be a breeze!! Ha, who am I kidding? But one can hope.

Lecture letter #2

Just finished writing Jane's second lecture letter. I'm so disappointed, and angry, and frustrated all at once. We caught her being very deceitful and dishonest about something which caused her mom and us to waste over 1,000 dollars. She is in such hot water. I just get so tired of ALWAYS punishing! It's never-ending. As soon as one punishment is done, she does something so royally stupid and senseless to get another one. She hurt all of us so badly this time. Her mom and I were crying on the phone together--that's how bad it was. Ugh. Just want to give up.

Dealing with my choices

I chose to marry a man with kids. I chose to get very involved in their lives and love them like my own. Eventually, I chose to quit my job and work part-time from home so I could be even MORE involved and not leave their training up to a nanny. Some might call these choices reckless and dumb--trading a career for a non-thanks job of being with kids that aren't even my own. But they were my choices, and I have never regretted them. Lately, the work I do from home has been super slow, and I've been on the look-out for the perfect part-time 9-2 job, so I can still do everything I do and make a little cash on the side. Well, I finally found some promising-looking job ads yesterday, and set up interviews.

Then I was hit with a ton of bricks in the middle of the night, and sat straight up in bed with one thought: SUMMER.

I can't go back to work. Full time camps for the girls all summer would cost more than I would make working 25 or so hours a week. We don't have family in town to stay with them. So this morning I had to cancel the interviews. I was feeling a bit depressed to know that even if I wanted to go back to work, I can't. I've locked myself down at this point. I started thinking of all the things I would have to take time off for already if I did get a job--their dentist appointments, early release days, awards programs, art shows, taking them to their grandparents, dance recitals, voice recitals.... the list goes on. Reality has hit. I made my choice, and I can't go back. I'm stuck until these kids are mature enough to stay at home for a few hours on their own. I'm not complaining. There are tons of women out there who would kill to be able to stay home all day. I know that. It's just that the permanency of those choices I made a few years ago is just sinking in for me now. I don't stay home for me. I like working. I stay home for them. I hope one day when they make tough choices to put their kids first, they will remember some of the things that we did to put them first.

Missing my girlies

Spring Break time--woo-hoo! Well, except for one little thing...I don't have my kids with me. It seems strange to be out and about in the stores seeing all the moms with their kids, and not having mine. I feel somehow inferior or "bad mom" to be out by myself when all the other ladies are spending time with little ones this week. I'm driving the "mom car" around and shopping in the kids' departments, but not holding on to any little hands while crossing through the parking lots. It makes me miss them.

I've kept myself really busy so far--cleaning out all the closets, putting winter clothes away, making lists of what we need for summer, taking outgrown clothes to resale shops, and planning summer camps and trips with my hubby. There's still five days left to go before they are back with us though. That seems like forever! Sometimes after they've been gone for long periods of time like this, Kate will say "Oh yeah, this is what dad's house looks like!" It kinda hurts to hear that. Jane promises to call and text, but of course, out of sight, out of mind... and she forgets and makes up excuses later. It's okay--I don't really blame an 11 year old for not texting her parents all the time, but I hope they miss us at least a little.

We just made lots of progress with Jane last week in regard to her behavior. Over the weekend, she completed three workbooks that I found at B&N. One was designed for kids about her age in controlling ADHD, and it had a lot of helpful quizzes and sections for her to complete. The second book was about getting along with others which had lots of good tips for sibling rivalry and controlling emotions. The third book was by American Girl about girls understanding their family, and it discussed stepparents, conflict resolution, and ways to learn to accept your family and get along. I feel like it was perfect timing for these books, and the messages really sank in. I just pray all that progress isn't lost and/or forgotten while she's at her mother's all this time.

I think I'll do yard work the next few days... that should really keep me busy! Happy Spring everyone!

My 11 year old kid is barking like a dog.... HELP!

Jane has been exhibiting some strange behavior lately. I wrote last week about her "emotional ups and downs", but now it is more than just emotions. She is acting out. Her dad and I have both separately and together sat her down in the past and talked about ADHD, what it does to her brain, how to recognize behaviors resulting from it, learning to control herself, etc. This week however, she is just outright out of control, and I can't get through to her. She has outbursts of all these strange noises, will talk in different indiscernible voices, squeal, suddenly scream for no reason, bark like a dog, and she doesn't even know she is consciously doing these things. I don't know if she is just feigning innocence, in denial, or honestly doesn't know, but she looked at me this morning and said "What outbursts? I haven't made any sounds." It is very disheartening to sit by and watch her act like this, because I thought she had made so much progress and was well beyond this point. I started thinking it could be a self-defense mechanism, a sign of something else going on, but I don't know anything going on that could be bothering her. Maybe there is some kind of trouble at her mother's house.

What do I do? Should she get "in trouble" for having a condition she didn't choose? Should she be scolded because she is old enough to control herself better? Do we just let her be, and see if she stops behaving this way soon? Poor Kate had to calmly ask her 4 times on the way to school to "Please keep your hands to yourself, Jane" because she keep randomly reaching over and grabbing her. Three teachers on her last report card wrote comments about her being impulsive, talking disruptively, and not participating well in class. She is on the highest dose of medication allowed for her size, and it has always worked well until the last few weeks. I'm at my wit's end, but here is what I constantly remind myself:

1. LOVE her, not her behavior, and SHOW her you love her.

2. Don't make her feel bad about herself. When correcting, tell her she is choosing to let the ADHD control her, instead of her controlling it.

3. Be positive. You CAN do this. Show her how happy everyone is around her when she is behaving with self-control.

4. Make yourself available and open if she finally decides to share something personal, or let her defenses down and become vulnerable. Watch for signs of the root problems that is causing this sudden change in behavior.

Tween girl emotions

I know I do it. I know all women to a certain degree go through it. Jane is now caught up in it: The emotional roller-coaster of womanhood. Ughh. It's bad enough just handling my own hormones. Now she is giving me a run for my money on who can be the moodiest woman in the house! I just can't wait until Kate joins us.... j/k!

I've been pushing her a little to open up and talk more instead of keeping her face buried in a book or ipad screen all the time. I pushed a little too hard and made her cry. Then I started crying. Then we were a blubbering mess together for no apparent reason. It's ridiculous. So then, she went off and ignored me at school one afternoon and wouldn't look my way or even acknowledge that she knew me. It hurt pretty bad, so J talked to her, and she hugged me real tight and said she was sorry and didn't mean it, and we started crying again. Later that night, she said I was basically a nanny, which hurt my feelings again, so the next morning she called me "mom" to make it better. It's just up and down, up and down... I don't know if I can handle teen girls for 10 more years!

Never show up, but take all the credit

Our kids have had a lot of activities lately that have required a lot of time on our part. Jane had a Greek Festival at school, and had to wear a homemade Greek toga. Parents had to volunteer to go help out with the Greek Olympic races between the students. She didn't get any help from her mom for her costume, but instead put the entire responsibility on my shoulders the night before. So I did what I had to--made the costume and showed up to help with the games.

Her mother never showed up.

Kate had a cowboy breakfast at school to celebrate the Rodeo coming to town. It was to be a family affair, and everyone ordered breakfast tacos in advance. Her mom and stepdad placed an order and promised to be there. I waited and waited with her as she kept looking around, wondering where her mom was.

Her mother never showed up.

Jane had a middle school Neon Nights Glow party, and needed to go shopping for something fluorescent. Her mother promised to take her. It was 2 days before, and Jane still hadn't been shopping. So I finally had to take her shopping myself and took her to the party and chatted with other parents.

Her mother never showed up.

Kate signed up for basketball this season. She got a basketball goal as a birthday present back in November. I've practiced with her for hours and hours, teaching her the rules of the game, shooting skills, offense and defense, technique--everything--to help her be the best player she can be. So this last game, her mother showed up 30 minutes late. Kate was doing a great job on defense against an all boys team. At the end of the game, the stepdad walks over to my husband and says, "Did you see Kate guarding that player so well? Yeah, that was totally [bio mom's name]'s doing. She told her to do that!"

Wow! Really? She never played basketball with Kate, she shows up late, but she gets all the credit. Later, when the girls were out of earshot, J asked me how I liked that comment the stepdad made. He knew it would push my buttons. I just smiled and said, "Yeah, that's what Stepmom is all about."

The Entitlement Issue

I've noticed Jane demonstrating a new attitude lately that really gets under my skin--the whole "If I want it, I will have it" mentality. Now if you are grown and have worked to be able to provide yourself with everything you want, kudos to you. But an 11 year old--not so much. Examples:

"I need heart socks and headbands and earrings to wear every day for February. Think you can make that happen?"

"You have to do my nails with blah blah color and blah blah pattern for my school dance Friday."

"Uh, no....I'm not wearing this homemade toga for Greekfest (that you worked all day on and I forgot to tell you about until the day before.) You need to go to Party City and get me a real costume."

Yes, she is a very privileged child and has always received pretty much everything she wants. The difference is that now she is starting to demand it, and believes she is entitled to her every whim. I know she's a little old to start breaking her of this now, but what's been done in the past is past. We've got to address this attitude now. And it is very hard in a stepfamily to not give our child what they want, because in the back of our heads, we know if we say "No", they will just go demand it of their other set of parents. That won't teach them any lesson at all. Several times Jane has asked for something, and I have purchased whatever it is, and saved it for birthday, Christmas, Valentine's...whatever is next, only to find she went ahead and already got it out of her mom. So we have to approach this carefully. Maybe we should let her know she is going to get it if... and put conditions or chores on as a way of earning it instead of just being handed everything on a silver platter. She still may run to her mom for it, but maybe there will be less chance of that if she knows we are planning on it once she has earned it. I don't know. How do you other stepfamilies handle this entitlement attitude?