Mind Games

I've written before about a time when Kate put me into an awkward position by stating, "My mom doesn't like you. Do you like her?" Ah, the innocent frankness of kids! Gotta love it. Anyway, lately she has been playing these mind games with me, like she intends to trap me saying something negative about her mom or spending time with her mom. It goes something like this:

Kate: Are you going to miss me when I go to NY with mom?

Me: Of course I am! I hope you have a great time!

Kate: Oh, you want me to have a good time? So that means you're glad I'm leaving you?

Me: Well, I'm not glad you won't be with me, but I AM glad you have the chance to go somewhere and do something fun!

Kate: So you're mad that I'm leaving you?

Me: No, I'm not mad! Of course I'll miss you, but I'm glad you get to go.

Kate: Oh, so you want me to leave you? You're glad I'll be with mom instead of you?

Me: UUGGGGHHHHH!! You are impossible, child!!

Kids always know just how to test your patience, don't they? As if it's not already complicated enough to explain our "blended situation" in 100% positive-"we're a team; everyone loves everyone"-approach, she has to go and try to trip me up!

So there you have a Kate story since it's all been about Jane lately =). Next week we have our family vacation, and then it's right back to school..... Where did the summer go??

ADHD and Forgetfulness

I'm admitting right up front that I have NOT researched this at all yet. I'm just putting my thoughts out there, and will research next! I know that's backwards, but I don't want all my reading on the subject to cloud my original thoughts. I had never noticed or thought of Jane as forgetful before. But this past week, there were three MAJOR incidents that honestly really worry me. My husband thinks it has something to do with different "levels of brain alertness" with ADHD, and that while in one level of alertness, she forgets what happened while in other levels.... if you follow! My question is why is this "symptom" just now manifesting itself? She's had ADHD forever, and has always been disorganized and forgets to finish things. But this seems different to me. She is now suddenly forgetting entire conversations and interactions. (For those of you who haven't read before, Jane is my 12-year-old daughter with moderate, but well-controlled ADHD). Here are the three incidents:

1. Wednesday morning: Jane decides (impulsively) to put her swim shorts over the dog's head. She cracks up and laughs hysterically until I come to see what she's up to. I have to tell her to take that off and remind her the dog is not a toy (for the umph-teenth time), and ask if she would like to have some tight, constricting clothes wrapped around her face. Move forward to Wednesday night as we're all playing a card game together. I make a joke about Jane doing crazy stuff to the dog. She has a confused look on her face and insists she has never done anything to the dog. I was like, "Uh, this morning? You wrapped your shorts around her head??" She was literally dumbfounded, jaw dropped and all, and says, "I did that??" She honestly had no recollection of any of it.

2. Thursday morning: We're driving to surf camp passing this one community of beautiful bright and pastel multi-colored houses. Jane goes on and on asking everyone which is their favorite color, which is their least favorite, which color would look best on our house, etc. The conversation lasted for at least 10 minutes. Friday morning: Passing by the same houses, and Jane says, "Kristi, which of those houses is your favorite color?" I thought she was just being funny trying to repeat the conversation. "Jane, we've already had this conversation." Jane again, completely incredulous, "We did? When? I don't remember that! We did not! Maybe I wasn't here. What was your favorite then?" I exchanged worried glances with my husband. He was like, how could she forget an entire 10 minute conversation?

3. Friday afternoon: We pass a sign for snow cones, and the girls start oo-ing and aah-ing in the back seat about how good they are. I announced that I really don't care for snow-cones because it's just sugar syrup over ice, and if I have a treat, I'd rather have chocolate or ice cream. They didn't agree with me and kept talking about their favorite flavors and the difference between snow cones and shaved ice. Saturday morning: Jane says to me, "Kristi, do you like snow cones?" as we pass the same sign from yesterday. At this point, I'm really worried and thinking she's just been bluffing this forgetting stuff all week. I decided to try to trap her. I said, "Yeah, I love snow cones. Key lime is my favorite." She just said, "Yeah, me too." She had no remembrance that I just said yesterday that I don't like them! It hadn't been just a passing comment that she didn't hear. Everyone heard and was stating whether or not they would rather have snow cones or ice cream. She was involved in the conversation, and a day later it's just Poof!--gone.

After all these things, my husband and I were talking it over, and that's when he had this "levels of alertness" theory. I had just told him the week before that I hoped when she's over puberty, we could start gradually decreasing her medication. Now, I'm not so sure. I would like her to see her doctor or a counselor, but she's very resistant towards doctor trips, and I (as stepmom) am not in a position to just set something up like that without consent from her other parents. So I guess I should stop typing and stop worrying and do my research, because I'll probably be able to find something to make me feel better and realize it IS normal.... I sure hope so anyways.

The Daddy Effect

At times, I feel like Jane and I are subconsciously fighting little dirty fights to see who can get more attention from my husband. If she feels or senses that I'm getting a little too "comfortable" in this family, or a little too "cocky" with everything I think I know about J and her and Kate, she will bring up something from "before my time" to make me immediately feel like an outsider or like I don't really belong here. I don't think she really is intentionally pushing me out or hurting my feelings. She just wants to feel like she has more history and connections to her daddy than I do. She tries so hard to please him and do things she knows he will like--WAY harder than she tries to please me! =) Over the last week, there were two different instances where this "Daddy effect" really started getting under my skin.

Scenario 1:

We were dropping the girls off at surf camp, and J pulled over to let us out while he went and parked. (They're always reading or on electronics in the car, so we have to warn them that "we're here; unbuckle; get out") Anyways, I had to tell Jane 3 times to put her book away and jump out. The last time I raised my voice:

Me: "Jane, PUT YOUR BOOK AWAY AND GET OUT!!"

Jane: (Proceeds to stomp out of the car, slam the door, and walk noticeably in front of me.)

Me: (Caught up and ignored it.) "Have a good day at surf camp and don't be rude to your sister like yesterday."

Jane: (Turns up nose and starts walking in front again.)

Me: "Is something bothering you? You're acting like you might be upset."

Jane: No. (Walks away)

Me: (Gave it a minute to blow over and tried to help her with sunscreen.)

Jane: (Standing with arms folded and pouty face.)

*****DADDY WALKS UP FROM PARKING THE CAR*****

Jane: Smiling really big, skipping up to him, "Daddy, daddy, can you watch me surf today?"

My thoughts: "What the heck just happened? Is this not the same kid who was just giving me such attitude? Wow. I feel like I just got slapped in the face. I feel so belittled and unimportant to her. I'm just a means to an end, unless there's a better means around. Then I'm just nothing."

Scenario 2:

We're all out playing on the beach, and I had to ask Jane to please start sharing the rafts with Kate.

Kate: "I'm sorry Jane for not playing nicely. Want to help me with this raft?"

Jane: (Turns her back to both of us and stomps away.)

Me: (Go help Kate get her raft out in the water to where Jane is brooding. "Y'all play nice. You can't be mad all day."

Jane: (Turns back on us both and swims away)

Kate: (Comes in from water crying because Jane won't play)

*****DADDY WALKS UP TO GET IN THE WATER AND HELP KATE*****

Jane: Swims over as fast as she can all smiles. "Daddy, daddy, help me with my raft too!"

My thoughts: "Well, what am I, chopped liver? I feel like I completely don't even exist to her sometimes. Does she really hate me? No, I honestly don't think so. But how can she be so hurtful without even knowing it? Maybe she does know it. Maybe she doesn't mind making me feel bad, but she doesn't want J to know or suspect how she treats me behind his back. I can't process all this. I just need to cry."

I tell my husband later what is actually happening when he walks up, and he is shocked. He had no idea any of that drama was even playing out. There was another time that Jane got so mad that J wouldn't take her with him to run an errand, that she stormed out to the garage and waited there the whole time. I asked her to come in and join us in a game or movie, and she literally screamed at me and slammed the door. As soon as J got home, she was all sweet and smiley and asking for ice cream. REALLY?? J told me not to let it bother me because there's just something about Daddy's and little girls.... I sure hope that's all it is and not that she really hates me!

Ramblings with No Subject!

I have so much in my heart and head right now that I just need to get out.  This will probably be the most random, unorganized post you've ever read because I'm just sorting through my thoughts as I type them!

The summer is going pretty well so far.  We are always so busy in June.  We have my husband's birthday and Father's Day, my birthday, and our anniversary to celebrate.  (Let's not talk about how much weight I put on this month after all those treats!)  The girls have been with me most of June so far, but will be away most of July at camps and vacation with their mom.

They have been doing really well with their behavior  They are NOT nice to each other, but the amount of rudeness and mean comments to each other seems to be decreasing.  I'm happy if they are just neutral.  I don't force them to be kind, but I don't tolerate rudeness.  We have to start somewhere!  Maybe once they're in their 30's, they'll finally be friends!

If you've read my other posts, you know we're working with Jane on what's appropriate for her age, and what is too "adult-ish".  We thought her mom was on-board and supportive with this, but Jane came over the other day with an adult women's magazine, and said her mom gave it to her so she could look at the pictures of stylish clothes.  Well, I don't know how stuck in the sand bio-mom's head is, but I don't know a single 12-year old girl who would not read the articles about "How to spice up your sex life"  and "10 ways to make your man find you irresistible" and so on.  Unbelievable!!  Why would she let her have that magazine?  Then we also hear from Kate that Jane is allowed to watch the TV show Friends at her mom's house, which has tons of sex scenes and conversations in it.  I don't want to HIDE sex from her and make it some big mystery that she's not allowed to know about, but at the same time, I don't want to FEED it to her all the time and give her access to all kinds of details she shouldn't know yet.

It's so frustrating when we try to set standards and boundaries for her here, and then there is no support at her other house.  Her mom tries so hard to be a friend instead of a parent.  It is also very hard to try to explain to her that we don't think she is old enough for things that her mom allows, without sounding negative about her mother.

Then Kate broke my heart last night and today saying she didn't want to go back to her mother's house.  She wanted to stay with me.  She curled up in the back seat in their driveway and said if they didn't see her, she didn't have to get out.  Could I just take her back to our house.  It made me so sad, because of course I would LOVE to take her home with me!!  She had a bad dream about our pet Lab dying and was sobbing uncontrollably all morning, which made it even harder to make her leave.  =(

My mom came to visit for a few days, and it was the first time the girls have really been able to spend time with her and get to know each other a little bit.  It felt good to watch them just accept her for who she is and want to learn about her, and talk and play together.  The girls loved hearing stories about how I behaved as a child and finding out why I'm such a "perfectionist" about things.

Everything else filling up my thoughts isn't related to being "stepmom" so I'll spare you all!  Hope everyone is enjoying their summer!

Summer Goals

Blogging will probably be scarce during the summer. I get so much less free time than I'm used to during the school year. Here's some goals I have for the girls and I to work on this summer during our time together:

JANE:

1. Honesty, honesty, honesty--No matter how small the lie, I want her to start recognizing every time she isn't telling the truth. She admitted last week that sometimes, she doesn't even realize she is lying. That means it could already be a habit for her, so we are going to work really hard on that.

2. Respecting adults and using manners--I've been a little concerned watching her interact with friends' parents and grandparents lately. She just takes things without asking, or doesn't say "please" and "thank-you". Being polite seems like a petty issue, but I think it will take her a long way when making friends and getting jobs, et cetera.

3. Being nice to Kate--This one just stays and stays and STAYS on the list!! I don't even need to explain. This issue makes me cry at night. I've talked and talked and made suggestions until I'm blue in the face. She just really needs to get a grip.

KATE:

1. Being argumentative--This has been driving me CRAZY lately! No matter what I say, how trivial or unimportant, she will argue, even when obviously dead wrong, just for the sake of arguing. I want to pull my hair out! Examples: Me-"Watch out for that rock in the way." K-"No, it's not a rock. It's a pebble." Me-"Can you pick up your towel please?" K-"That's not my towel." My head-(Clearly, yes it is, because you're the only one who just showered; it's your towel; and it's in your room... Why even deny or try to argue that? UUGGGHHHHHH!) Me-"Tomorrow is the last day of school." K-"No it's not. Thursday is." My head--TOMORROW IS THURSDAY!!! Do you understand my frustration?

2. Not taking Jane's meanness personally--Kate will cry herself to sleep after a rude comment from Jane. She's always been very emotional, and she takes everything to heart. She complains that she thinks Jane hates her and won't ever want to play with her again. She's afraid to ever tell on anything Jane does, or stick up for herself, for fear of Jane "getting mad" at her. It's so sad and breaks my heart. I wish she could see that Jane just says things without thinking because she is jealous or insecure.

I have no illusions of actually perfecting these things in one summer. I know kids are kids, and I don't expect them to be perfect. But we should always be striving towards goals of bettering ourselves, right? If we can make a little progress in these things this summer, I will feel successful. And of course, I hope we have lots of fun and laughter and smiles along the way.

Is Mother's Day for Me?

Mother's Day is around the corner, and I know that makes most stepmom's feel awkward and anxious. I know my first couple years at this were exactly that. I remember all those Mother's Days growing up in church and they would have all these different ladies come forward for a rose if they were the youngest mom or oldest mom or mom with the most kids or mom with the most generations alive, et cetera... I think about that now and feel bad for all the stepmoms who have been left out and made to feel unimportant or insignificant for all those years. I've been playing the role of Stepmom for about 4 years now, but this is my first officially married "Mrs. B" Mother's day. The first two years, my husband and kids didn't even give me a second thought on this day, which is perfectly logical because after all, we weren't even engaged yet, and I have no kids of my own. The day was all about his mom and their mom and my mom, and that's it. To be honest though, the second year, I felt a bit slighted. I mean, I had already quit my job to stay home and play Mom. I took over nanny, maid, and cooking duties. I ran all errands, attended all school functions, shopped for their clothes, fixed hair, et cetera... so I totally felt like a mom already, and was hoping that maybe one of them would think of me in that way and do something to recognize me as a "Mom." But the day came and went with just my inward disappointment, but knowing better than to say anything.

Last year, I was a month away from officially becoming Stepmom, and I have to say, my husband and kids did better. He bought me a card "from them" and let them sign their names.... (I was a little disappointed they weren't able to write me a personal note, but hey, at least it was something!). Jane texted me first thing in the morning "Happy Mother's Day! I love you!" which was very sweet, and Kate made me a craft at school and then called me and left a sweet message from her mom's phone later in the afternoon. So I was on cloud 9 just to know they actually think of ME on mother's day! There were times in the beginning of J and I's relationship that I would never have thought that possible. I will never have them with me on Mother's Day, but we can always celebrate the weekend before or after. It is enough to know that they think of me as Mom in some small ways, and that I'm able to have a little corner of their lives where I can nurture, help, love, and mother them in my own way. And to tell you the truth, it's almost a more relaxing treat to enjoy the weekend without having to do any of those Mom chores...so no pity parties here!

Here's some good articles for any struggling stepmoms out there:

Tips for Being a Stepmother on Mother's Day

What's a Stepmom to Do?

The Plight of Stepmoms on Mother's Day

Hitting a Low

Year 2014 is proving to be a constant overwhelming struggle with Jane. Two weeks into the year, she received the "gift of womanhood" (if you know what I mean), and it has been straight downhill from there. She has been guilty of so much deceit, lies, sneakiness, rudeness, disrespect, bad attitudes--I mean, you name it, she's probably done it. She has been "in trouble" practically the whole year. The latest offense was finding her chatting online in a game with some boy and saying "I love you"--all of which had been strictly against clearly given rules. All four of us parents in this blended family situation have had to come together so many times lately and discuss how to best help her learn. That may be the ONLY thing helping Jane right now, is that she is finally seeing the four of us as a united front, all backing each other up, instead of knowing she can get away with this or that with one or the other. It's been rough. You hate to have to discipline your child so much, but you fear what may happen if you just let it go. Then you worry about her becoming depressed, down on herself, and emotionally locked out, and what damage that could cause. Every time we reward her for doing something praiseworthy, we find something the very next day that needs punished. I know I shouldn't stress over labels, but I'm starting to feel that she's a "troubled" child, because nothing we do seems to make a difference or impact on her. We've tried every sort of method and approach imaginable, and she just doesn't respond. This parenting thing is tough! I really, really hope that she doesn't behave like this for the next seven years. I don't think I can handle fighting her will and discovering her deceitfulness that much longer. Maybe she's just getting it out early, and the teen years will be a breeze!! Ha, who am I kidding? But one can hope.

Lecture letter #2

Just finished writing Jane's second lecture letter. I'm so disappointed, and angry, and frustrated all at once. We caught her being very deceitful and dishonest about something which caused her mom and us to waste over 1,000 dollars. She is in such hot water. I just get so tired of ALWAYS punishing! It's never-ending. As soon as one punishment is done, she does something so royally stupid and senseless to get another one. She hurt all of us so badly this time. Her mom and I were crying on the phone together--that's how bad it was. Ugh. Just want to give up.

Dealing with my choices

I chose to marry a man with kids. I chose to get very involved in their lives and love them like my own. Eventually, I chose to quit my job and work part-time from home so I could be even MORE involved and not leave their training up to a nanny. Some might call these choices reckless and dumb--trading a career for a non-thanks job of being with kids that aren't even my own. But they were my choices, and I have never regretted them. Lately, the work I do from home has been super slow, and I've been on the look-out for the perfect part-time 9-2 job, so I can still do everything I do and make a little cash on the side. Well, I finally found some promising-looking job ads yesterday, and set up interviews.

Then I was hit with a ton of bricks in the middle of the night, and sat straight up in bed with one thought: SUMMER.

I can't go back to work. Full time camps for the girls all summer would cost more than I would make working 25 or so hours a week. We don't have family in town to stay with them. So this morning I had to cancel the interviews. I was feeling a bit depressed to know that even if I wanted to go back to work, I can't. I've locked myself down at this point. I started thinking of all the things I would have to take time off for already if I did get a job--their dentist appointments, early release days, awards programs, art shows, taking them to their grandparents, dance recitals, voice recitals.... the list goes on. Reality has hit. I made my choice, and I can't go back. I'm stuck until these kids are mature enough to stay at home for a few hours on their own. I'm not complaining. There are tons of women out there who would kill to be able to stay home all day. I know that. It's just that the permanency of those choices I made a few years ago is just sinking in for me now. I don't stay home for me. I like working. I stay home for them. I hope one day when they make tough choices to put their kids first, they will remember some of the things that we did to put them first.

Missing my girlies

Spring Break time--woo-hoo! Well, except for one little thing...I don't have my kids with me. It seems strange to be out and about in the stores seeing all the moms with their kids, and not having mine. I feel somehow inferior or "bad mom" to be out by myself when all the other ladies are spending time with little ones this week. I'm driving the "mom car" around and shopping in the kids' departments, but not holding on to any little hands while crossing through the parking lots. It makes me miss them.

I've kept myself really busy so far--cleaning out all the closets, putting winter clothes away, making lists of what we need for summer, taking outgrown clothes to resale shops, and planning summer camps and trips with my hubby. There's still five days left to go before they are back with us though. That seems like forever! Sometimes after they've been gone for long periods of time like this, Kate will say "Oh yeah, this is what dad's house looks like!" It kinda hurts to hear that. Jane promises to call and text, but of course, out of sight, out of mind... and she forgets and makes up excuses later. It's okay--I don't really blame an 11 year old for not texting her parents all the time, but I hope they miss us at least a little.

We just made lots of progress with Jane last week in regard to her behavior. Over the weekend, she completed three workbooks that I found at B&N. One was designed for kids about her age in controlling ADHD, and it had a lot of helpful quizzes and sections for her to complete. The second book was about getting along with others which had lots of good tips for sibling rivalry and controlling emotions. The third book was by American Girl about girls understanding their family, and it discussed stepparents, conflict resolution, and ways to learn to accept your family and get along. I feel like it was perfect timing for these books, and the messages really sank in. I just pray all that progress isn't lost and/or forgotten while she's at her mother's all this time.

I think I'll do yard work the next few days... that should really keep me busy! Happy Spring everyone!