Manipulation--Playing Dirty

Previously, I mentioned that there has been very little communication with bio mom and stepdad lately--since they moved. Well, the last few weeks of school, we had to see them and be pleasant and act like we're all great friends for 4 or 5 different events, recitals, etc. That caused some major stress! Still they carefully avoided me and spoke only to hubby J for whatever reason. Maybe he's less threatening than I am. And then the summer schedule began.

I made it very clear when distributing the calendars with camp and activity info that I could no longer do both drop off and pick up for the girls (as I have been taken advantage to do for the past 3 years because stepdad's mom is too lazy to ever come get them.) With the huge distance factor now, I wanted to stand up for myself and set boundaries. I'll pick up on our days. You pick up on your days--as it should be. Of course, I got no response.

So the first two times now that they should have come to pick up (once the grandma, once bio mom), they have called Jane and had her ask me to take them to meet half way. Seriously?? Why put Jane in the middle of this? Now if I say no, I look like the "mean, unwilling to be flexible and help out" person. And there's ALWAYS a sob story attached like "Well we just want to have time to eat lunch with your stepdad, and if I come all the way to get you, we won't have time." So if I say no, now I'm preventing them having lunch together. It's just outright low and dirty manipulation. Have the courage to call and ask me myself. Don't use your child to get your way. I feel as if Jane and I are just puppets on the ends of her strings. I want to scream "YOU'RE THE IDIOT THAT MOVED AN HOUR AWAY. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID SOB STORIES OF WHY YOU CAN'T COME PICK UP YOUR KIDS! DON'T TRY TO GUILT TRIP ME INTO HELPING OUT WITH THE INCONVENIENCES THAT YOU CAUSED!!!!"

I need to figure out a way before next time to say no without looking bad to Jane and Kate. They see what I do for them. They know I've done all the driving for the past 3 years. I hope they will understand that I can't let people walk all over me, even when those are people they love.

I wish I just didn't care

Please understand that my husband J is VERY sweet and considerate and loving. He takes great care of me. He loves me so completely even when I'm awful and grumpy and annoying. He would do anything to make me happy. So this post is not an attack on him. There are some feelings we have that men just have absolutely NO IDEA about. There are some things that bother us that have never even crossed their minds. My hurt feelings were not directed towards him. Just at myself for caring.

So we passed another Mother's Day. Yay. The past few years J has gotten me a card from the dog or a little gift from himself, but he's never had the girls do anything for me. Kate has always made me a card or sign or picture. Jane has only ever sent me a text. In his mind, I'm not their mother, so that's that. Last year, I voiced my feelings a little--what I thought was enough of a hint for this year--and said, "I hope this isn't from the dog again, and you actually let the girls sign it." But I guess my message didn't get through. He took me on a trip last year over Mother's Day to get me away from all the fabricated hype, and we did that again this year. Our last night all together--Thursday before Mother's Day--I thought they may give me a card or something, but no. We went to bed that night and nothing. I finally said to him that I wished they would at least acknowledge me in some small way. Maybe a card or they can just write a note or something. I made it clear I'm not asking for a gift, just some acknowledgment that I do serve in the capacity of a mother to these girls. Well, of course he felt awful that they didn't do anything. Like I said, he just doesn't think about these things. So the next morning before we left on our trip, he secretly asked the girls to call me on Sunday. Well--we were out of the country, so that wouldn't exactly work. I kept waiting for Jane to at least text me, because we could get texts on wifi, but calls couldn't come through. Finally at 8pm Jane was texting J saying she tried to call me 12 times! He called her back on Skype to let me talk to them, but by that time I was a mess. It was the first year Kate didn't make me a card, and no text from Jane. I couldn't be upset at anyone other than myself though. They were trying.

Why do I care so much if I get acknowledged on Mother's Day? It shouldn't mean anything. It shouldn't be enough to make me cry while on vacation. I kept telling myself to get a grip and get over it. I started the day wishing every woman around me Happy Mother's Day, and that worked for a while, just to make other people smile. But I soon found out Mother's Day in Mexico wasn't until Tuesday--so really they were just laughing at me! Oh well. I got a picture and poem from Kate 3 days later, so I was fine then. I hope I handle it better next year.

Mother of the year

There is one weekend a year when bio mom and bio dad can be guaranteed to have their kids--Mother's Day and Father's Day. So then how in the world can bio mom possibly "forget" she would have them and schedule an out-of-town trip on Mother's Day? Are you kidding me? We've had a trip planned for months, because we knew we had no obligations that weekend. Then 2 weeks before, stepdad emails us to ask if we want the kids that weekend. I'm like, Seriously?? I would die to actually have them on Mother's Day! It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Too bad our Mexico trip is non-refundable. So they have to stay with friends or stepdad's mom--which they are not thrilled about. All the griping and whining that bio mom does that she misses her kids and doesn't see them enough--and then she plans to be away the one weekend a year that is set aside for moms to be with their kids. Unbelievable. Mother of the year award for her, please.

And the Battles Continue...

There has been unspoken tension between our house and bio mom's house regarding Jane's high school choice for the past year. The "unspoken" part is really the main cause of the tension. No one would talk about it. Jane would tell us she wanted one thing and tell her mom she wanted something else because she thought those were the schools WE wanted instead of voicing what SHE wanted. The divorce decree states that public school district is decided by the mother's residence. If the child is to go to private school, the father must agree and pay for it. So, Jane went on all the high school tours with her 8th grade class, and would give us feedback from the schools, both public and private. Then we found out that bio mom was sending her to all these extra private school tours and signing her up for Charter school consideration without our knowledge. Over halfway through the 8th grade, bio mom had still never brought up the subject, voiced her opinion about high school, nothing. We were left in the total dark just relying on tiny bits of info Jane would give us. Other parents would ask us where she was going, and we never knew. So finally hubby J brought it up and made it clear he was not agreeing to or paying for private school, so she will be going to the public school in their district--Clark. Ok, so that was out there. Then they tried to move over to a different school district that is really close to Kate's school, so it wouldn't be a problem for us, but that fell through. So in March, we went to the parent meeting at Clark, filled out all the forms, signed Jane up for volleyball, sat through 3 hours of talking and info (which bio mom didn't even bother to show up to). Every time we mentioned high school to Jane though or brought up different programs they offered, or showed her the paperwork on theater and music and sports, she would act uncomfortable and walk away. We thought she may just be nervous.

Well, finally the bombshell dropped. With no communication or warning whatsoever, they sold their house and moved to a school district at least 30 miles away from us. It was already a done deal by the time they told us. Okay, I have so many problems with this--but first, the school district is not one of them. This high school is the smallest public high school in town, which is probably good for Jane. It is 1/4 the size of the one she would have gone to. They have good academic and sports programs--all of that is totally fine with us. The problem is how terribly inconsiderate it was to not even warn us. The second problem is that they obviously told the girls to keep it a secret. Hubby J has never, ever, EVER had them keep ANYTHING from their mother. They are free to tell her whatever they want about what we do, what we've done, what we're planning. I don't think any child should be asked to keep a secret from the parent. It's just not right. My third problem is that from where we live, in morning traffic, it will take at least an hour and a half to get to Jane's high school. Seriously! They will have to get up SO early! Every day she's at our house, she'll be that far away from new friends and start resenting staying with us.

So the obvious conclusion is we have to move too. We were planning to move soon anyway, but now we have to go in a completely different area than we wanted. And we can't get it done before the school year starts, so we'll have to deal with long commutes for probably the first half of her freshman year. It just doesn't seem fair, but life never is.

Want to hear the real kicker? Bio mom had a total FIT--and I do mean total dramatic immature FIT--when we mentioned once that Jane should at least just TOUR the high school in our district to see what she thought. Of course, they only lived 10 miles away, and she was so infuriated that we would even mention something that would be SO OUT OF THE WAY for her. Then she moves somewhere that makes me have a 3-hour round trip just for drop off or pick up? Un-freakin-believable!!!

"It Can't Hurt to Ask"...

Have you ever heard the phrase "It can't hurt to ask"? And it's typically followed up by "The worst that can happen is you get told no." Sound familiar? Well, I'm not so sure I agree anymore. We asked and it did hurt. Here's the situation:

By some strange fluke calendar situation, bio mom was going to end up with 4 weekends in a row because April is her 5th weekend this year, and Mother's Day lands on the 1st weekend of May (usually ours) instead of the 2nd (hers anyway.) So, we realized this and J knew there was no way he was okay with her having 4 in a row! She whines and complains anytime they are with us just 2 in a row! So he very courteously explained to her what we discovered and asked if she would be gracious enough to let him have the second weekend in May. After ignoring his 3 texts for 9 days (not surprising), she finally responded with, "Well what weekend are you going to give me for that?" Seriously!!?? We don't have ANY weekends--that was the whole point! There is nothing we have to give. I was so hurt that she can never, ever seem to put herself in J's shoes. EVER. Do you think for one second she would be fine with us having 4 weekends in a row and not ask for some time? PLEASE!! We've seen it happen way too much. She begged and cried and practically forced us to come home early from a trip one Thanksgiving just because it had been "too long" since she saw them and "would never do that to us." YEAH RIGHT! You're doing it now! Just last month she was playing the "Don't make me feel bad for asking to see my children" card, and now J asks for something WAY more reasonable, and she can't understand? I'm so sick of the games and her just using her children to get what she wants.

Forget we even asked. Forget their DAD would love to see his own kids. Forget that they will resent you for keeping them from him one day. Forget that when you have them, you're not even with them because your social calendar is always too full. Forget that when they learn your awful behavior, you're always asking us to help fix it. Forget it all. I'm so done being hurt by these things over and over. I need to be less involved with all the details so I don't get so worked up. J is always choosing the high road and being the bigger person. I just don't know how he keeps on and keeps on. I need to learn his secret. I would never be able to hold back or bite my tongue after 8 years of this like he does.

So maybe it's true that it doesn't hurt to ask....if you're dealing with a reasonable, non-manipulative, non-psycho, non-narcissistic normal, caring human being who doesn't have their entitled-princess-syndrome blinders to the world on. Then maybe it wouldn't hurt.

The Immaturaty Never, Ever Stops!

The last several months, I've been holding back a lot of our drama to see if it would help me be positive. What I've found is I actually feel like exploding if I can't vent about all the craziness that comes with Stepmom territory. So here's some of the juicy details:

~~Our custody agreement states that on the kid's birthdays, whichever parent does NOT have them for the day can have a 2 hour dinner with them. The parents' birthdays are not even addressed. Since the kids were so young, when my husband and bio mom were first divorced, they would have their birthday dinner with the kids if it wasn't already their day. We've kind of gotten away from that lately and just celebrated birthdays the day before or day after when the kids were with us. So that's the background. This year, the MORNING OF her birthday, bio mom decided to ask if the kids can have dinner with her. It was a weekend, and the kids had plans with friends. We already had groceries and meals planned and prepped. J responded by stating that he hasn't had the girls on his birthday for a while and why can't we just celebrate when we have them already because we had made plans for the day. She went all into victim mode. "Don't you dare make me feel bad for asking for MY kids on MY birthday. I never remember telling you that you couldn't have them on yours." Etc, etc, etc. The point is--she's in her 40's. The kids are teen and tween--what difference does it make if you celebrate on Monday instead of Sunday? Your birthday isn't that big of a deal, woman! Get over yourself. But no, she just insists on creating unnecessary drama to throw our whole day off. Of course J as always took the high road and assured her she could have dinner with them. So we cancelled plans with friends, and put meal plans on hold. Then an hour before the designated time, she calls to cancel!!!! Totally just wanted to screw with us. You know, in case things had been too calm and we were beginning to think she was normal. She had to prove she is still a manipulative weasel who will stop at nothing to get her own way. My own feelings aside, what exactly does this behavior teach the kids?

~~If you've read many of my posts before, you know we have been trying to hammer "honesty" into Jane's head for years! We both know the problem is that her mother is a habitual liar. Her mantra was always "Lie and deny". So for Jane to be around that 50% of her life makes it very difficult for her to overcome her sneaky, deceitful habits. She really tries, and I can see the turmoil she goes through at times to make the right decision. Well lately, she's had this new, first-time boy crush. She's been very worried about how her dad would respond to her "liking" a boy, let alone spending time with him. So, we caught her lying about it at least the first 4 times something came up. So as we're working through all this, an extra pressure is that she started only wanting to talk to him or make plans with friends when at her mom's. We do not want her thinking she can have no friends or social life with us. Her dad is very reasonable and supportive, because she's always had such a hard time making friends. We want to encourage it, but it's hard to do that when she is dishonest. So we have been trying to find that perfect balance between openness and support and also demanding honesty. She finally started opening up and talking to us about this boy and J even met him. Then twice in one week, her mom lied to us for her to cover things up she didn't want us to know. She was over at the boy's house with siblings and cousins, but the oldest person there was 17. J was upset that bio mom would allow her over at a boy's house with no parents! Bio mom lied and said the parents just ran out for a few minutes, but Jane had already told us they were gone the whole time. Ok, does she really think she is protecting Jane by doing this? Then later that week, she lied for Jane about missing school one morning. It's so extremely discouraging, that as soon as Jane starts being honest, her mom starts lying for her. It's so destructive for Jane.

~~The other thing really bothering me lately is that I am so terribly TIRED of us being the bad guys. It is truly a beat-down. WE make them go to bed. WE make them shower and stay clean and brush their teeth. WE make them put electronics down for family time. WE check up on what they're watching/playing/texting/reading. WE expect them to use manners and answer when spoken to and do as they are told. It doesn't seem terribly unreasonable, does it? But we get eye-rolls and huffs and puffs and attitude because they don't have to do any of these things with bio mom. I'm so sick of it, that I've started letting things slide. You know what, if they have that much of a problem showering and brushing their teeth--fine. Let them stink and have nasty teeth. Not my problem. I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm such a Nazi for having rules and expecting them to be followed. Sure, let's have a 13 and 10 year old make all their decisions and do whatever they please. Then I realize I'm being just like bio mom--so I go back to being Nazi mom real quick! I'd rather be Nazi mom than to be anything like that piece of work!

Kids and Grief

Well, I see I haven't written in quite a while. There are a couple reasons for that. One--I don't like focusing on the negative just to have a good story for my blog. Two--the age old excuse of "busy-ness". Anyway, here are the thoughts and issues that I've been dealing with over the past few months.

The girls lost their grandfather in October. He is the first family member either of them have ever lost. He had battled cancer for 10 months, so it was expected. The day we told them he passed away, Jane immediately was crying and kept saying "Why, why, why?" She continued to cry the whole night long. I guess she got it all at once, because for the whole next week at her Grandma's house, the funeral, the graveside, looking at old pictures, she was so strong, and never really lost it again.

Kate on the other hand has handled this completely the opposite extreme. The first night when she heard the news, she was kind of like, Okay. Now can I go play? She wanted to carry on like normal as if nothing had changed. She was in a state of denial. We packed the car and drove to Missouri, and she was still talking, laughing, making jokes the whole way. Then we get there and she actually sees Grandma without her Papa, and she was inconsolable from there on out. She was sobbing so loud at night, I had to go lay down with her. She would see a picture of him and scream and run the other way. She buried her head in my lap for the entire 2 hour visitation and funeral. We had to step out and get some water and have her catch her breath, she was making such a commotion. It just broke my heart.

Once we got back home and back into school routine, Kate started changing--a lot. Her teachers noticed and started making comments. Her mother noticed. Her dad and I were very concerned. She was acting out so much. She started talking out of place all day at school, she stopped writing down any assignments, she wasn't listening or paying attention to anything she read or what people around her were saying. It's like she was in this little bubble. After a bit of research, I found this behavior is normal for kids processing grief, so her dad recommended we just let it go for a few weeks and see if she snaps out of it. Well a few weeks turned into over a month, and she was getting more and more defiant. We would have to tell her something 3 times before she would listen. Her grades were slipping at school. She started obsessing over food and sneaking food, snacks, cookies, candy and lying about it--at both her mom's house and ours. The only time she would talk is to ask what the next meal was going to be.

At this point, a couple weeks ago, I was really concerned. Sure, it may have started as a response to grief, but her behavior was just getting worse, and I didn't think we could excuse it any longer. We had a talk with her teacher, and with her mother several times to see if she was behaving the same for all of us. It seemed she was. We told her what reports her teachers had given, and it seemed almost like something immediately went off in her brain. She was embarrassed by her behavior. She was immediately sorry and went to school and apologized to everyone, on her own accord. She started working really hard on her school work, and would read books for points instead of play on electronics. I'm not really sure what triggered this turn around--but I really hope it's permanent. I love having my sweet Kate back to normal. Here's what she did when cleaning her room that night--how could I be upset by this mess? =)

Things I Wish I Could Say to You

Sometimes keeping all feelings, opinions, and emotions that have to do with bio mom locked away and unspoken is the hardest part of stepparenting. "Just shut up and smile" is almost never easy. So lately, here are all those things I've been wishing I could say out loud:

~ Teaching your 13 year old child that having a social life is more important than honesty or character is pathetic.

~ Making this 13 yr old girl feel like she is "late to the scene" for not having a boyfriend yet is completely unfathomable to me.

~ Allowing her to have Snapchat with no monitoring so she won't be "left behind" is downright naïve and stupid.

~ Lying to your children to make them think better of you will just come back to bite you in the butt.

~ Making their father feel petty and overprotective for demanding honesty and not tolerating sneakiness is only hurting your children.

~ Teaching them that "brand names" is all that matters will only have them running up your credit cards during high school and college. Hope you like paying all their bills.

~ Saying one thing to us and the opposite to them only encourages dishonesty and makes you look stupid when you tell them not to lie.

~ Enabling her to sneak around to meet a boy without her father finding out is SO FREAKING UNBELIEVABLE!! She's 13!!! Live your own social life and stop trying to live through her! You will only have yourself to blame when you have a 16-year old pregnant dropout who needs you to raise her child! Don't come crying to us! We have done all we could and you are just hell-bent on ruining our children!

But what do I know about parenting? I'm just the stepmom who has tried and tried to clean up all your dirty messes and teach morals and character despite everything they see from you. I just try to lead by example and love, love, love and give attention that they never get from you. My conscious is clean. On the other hand, I don't know how you ever get one second of sleep at night.

That felt good. Wish none of it were true.

From Zero to Drama in under 60

Just when you think that after 5 trying years, you've finally gotten used to each other, and can anticipate and avoid conflict and hurt feelings--BAM--out of nowhere, here comes DRAMA QUEEN (aka bio mom). Was she having a terrible day? Was she already several drinks in? PMS? Who knows...but this one really made me angry and left me completely bewildered. Here's my side of the story.

So, Jane's 13th birthday was last week. The summer calendar had been set up and distributed in May. Bio mom would be with Jane 2 days before and 2 days after her birthday. Jane would be with Dad on her actual birthday. Since we'd have the day together, I set up a surprise full spa day for her and her friends. This was going to be her gift from her dad and I this year. I sent out secret invitations and made reservations and ordered decorations, etc.

Well, a few days before, I hear Jane asking if some friends can come over to her mom's house the day after her birthday to celebrate. I discreetly texted her mom to let her know that some of those friends were coming to a party the day before, and I didn't want the surprise to be spoiled, but some of the friends might be wondering why they're invited to 2 different parties a day apart. Following?

Well that's when (you know what) hit the fan. I received a barrage of texts saying how inconsiderate it was for me to plan something for "her daughter's" special day. How could I not let her know sooner? How could I hurt her feelings and invite Jane's friends when she is the one who wants to invite the friends? Apparently "13" is a very special mother/daughter birthday and I was way over my boundaries to plan Jane a surprise birthday.

Naturally, I have numerous problems with this!!!

1. Jane is in dad's custody on her birthday. That means she is with me all day. What am I supposed to do? Sit around the house and not celebrate with her because I'm not her mother??

2. Jane had said for weeks leading up to it that her mother had nothing planned, and she may just get to go out to eat, but that's all.

3. Why am I inconsiderate for not sharing my plans? Does she ever share her plans with us? NO!

4. If 13 is such a special day for "her daughter", why didn't she make plans? She had 4 days surrounding the birthday to do something--anything.

5. Her son's--Jane's half-brother Jack-birthday is the day after Jane's. He turned 3. For the past 3 years, she has had a party planned for him--in advance--the week of their birthdays. For the past 3 years, Jane has gotten nothing--not even a cake--until a month or so later. And suddenly, this year, I'm supposed to believe she would actually put effort into Jane instead of Jack? Ummmm, no--again, you made your priority VERY clear. So excuse me if I show Jane a little attention and let her enjoy her birthday!

6. All of this is going on as my husband on one side of me is crying himself to sleep from just having said goodbye to his dad for the last time, and Jane is sad, but trying to be excited about her upcoming birthday. I was there trying to hold my family together. I didn't have time for this drama. How can I fall apart when everyone around is already distraught? So I never got to vent or scream or punch anything! I just had to suck it up and stay calm, (which is why I'm writing now that I'm alone!)

In reality, I know that it probably just made her feel like a failure and insecure that I had this awesome day planned for "her daughter" and she did nothing. But that doesn't take away the words she said or how she acted towards me. For the life of me, I cannot wrap my head around being so angry that my daughter is going to have a good birthday. I have tried and tried this week, but cannot understand what ticked her off. How selfish do you have to be that your only concern is whether it makes you look bad or not, or afraid that Jane may actually enjoy time with her stepmom? Shouldn't a mother be happy for her daughter? Shouldn't a mother be glad that someone is there to pick up her slack? I just don't get it.

Not feelin' the love...

This week I feel like a live-in maid/nanny. It hurts because I try so hard to be more. But I'm not. I need to be a wife and that's all.