Family Vacations

As far as the kids were concerned, I felt like I may as well not even be there. Family vacations--not quite so glamorous as a stepparent. At times I felt like a tag-along fourth wheel this year. The girls were just constantly trying to one-up each other to get "daddy's" attention or to impress him with what they were doing. They constantly fought over who got to walk beside him or hold his hand or sit by him at dinner. Meanwhile, I'm like, "Hi. Nevermind. I'll just be over here." Then Jane was giving me major attitude any time I asked her to do anything. I couldn't say anything to her all week without her either correcting me, arguing, or being sarcastic. She was on a 3-hour daily phone limit all week, which may have contributed to her grumpiness. If her dad mentioned her time limit or checked up on her, she was all sweet and said "Okay, daddy." If heaven forbid I said something though, she exploded "Oh my gosh, I wasn't even on my phone. I was just checking the time. I'm just going to sit here and be on it for 3 hours right now then and not get ready to go." Maybe it's normal for a teenage girl and has nothing at all to do with ME. Maybe our hormones were just at odds all week. (Ughh--just wait until it's all three of us girls being hormonal!) But it really started wearing on me by the last 2 days. I told J I would rather not talk to her at all then to endure her responses. In my heart, I know she doesn't hate me, or even resent me. But when she's been snarling at me all evening, then goes and texts her mom all night--it hurts. I'm sure J enjoyed himself pretty well with all three of us girls just clamoring after him all week. We got to see and do some really cool things, and I'm sure when we look back on the pictures later, we'll all remember a good time, and none of this nonsense. Truth be told, I'm really glad they love their dad so much and try so hard to please him. We both realize they receive minimal attention at their mother's. They're largely just left on their own. (Jane gets a bit more time than Kate lately because she goes shopping with her mom ALL THE TIME and can call or text whenever. Kate hates shopping and therefore concludes her mother doesn't like spending time with her.) So I'm really thankful they got a full week of their dad's undivided attention, even if I had to be ignored for a while.

The Daddy Effect

At times, I feel like Jane and I are subconsciously fighting little dirty fights to see who can get more attention from my husband. If she feels or senses that I'm getting a little too "comfortable" in this family, or a little too "cocky" with everything I think I know about J and her and Kate, she will bring up something from "before my time" to make me immediately feel like an outsider or like I don't really belong here. I don't think she really is intentionally pushing me out or hurting my feelings. She just wants to feel like she has more history and connections to her daddy than I do. She tries so hard to please him and do things she knows he will like--WAY harder than she tries to please me! =) Over the last week, there were two different instances where this "Daddy effect" really started getting under my skin.

Scenario 1:

We were dropping the girls off at surf camp, and J pulled over to let us out while he went and parked. (They're always reading or on electronics in the car, so we have to warn them that "we're here; unbuckle; get out") Anyways, I had to tell Jane 3 times to put her book away and jump out. The last time I raised my voice:

Me: "Jane, PUT YOUR BOOK AWAY AND GET OUT!!"

Jane: (Proceeds to stomp out of the car, slam the door, and walk noticeably in front of me.)

Me: (Caught up and ignored it.) "Have a good day at surf camp and don't be rude to your sister like yesterday."

Jane: (Turns up nose and starts walking in front again.)

Me: "Is something bothering you? You're acting like you might be upset."

Jane: No. (Walks away)

Me: (Gave it a minute to blow over and tried to help her with sunscreen.)

Jane: (Standing with arms folded and pouty face.)

*****DADDY WALKS UP FROM PARKING THE CAR*****

Jane: Smiling really big, skipping up to him, "Daddy, daddy, can you watch me surf today?"

My thoughts: "What the heck just happened? Is this not the same kid who was just giving me such attitude? Wow. I feel like I just got slapped in the face. I feel so belittled and unimportant to her. I'm just a means to an end, unless there's a better means around. Then I'm just nothing."

Scenario 2:

We're all out playing on the beach, and I had to ask Jane to please start sharing the rafts with Kate.

Kate: "I'm sorry Jane for not playing nicely. Want to help me with this raft?"

Jane: (Turns her back to both of us and stomps away.)

Me: (Go help Kate get her raft out in the water to where Jane is brooding. "Y'all play nice. You can't be mad all day."

Jane: (Turns back on us both and swims away)

Kate: (Comes in from water crying because Jane won't play)

*****DADDY WALKS UP TO GET IN THE WATER AND HELP KATE*****

Jane: Swims over as fast as she can all smiles. "Daddy, daddy, help me with my raft too!"

My thoughts: "Well, what am I, chopped liver? I feel like I completely don't even exist to her sometimes. Does she really hate me? No, I honestly don't think so. But how can she be so hurtful without even knowing it? Maybe she does know it. Maybe she doesn't mind making me feel bad, but she doesn't want J to know or suspect how she treats me behind his back. I can't process all this. I just need to cry."

I tell my husband later what is actually happening when he walks up, and he is shocked. He had no idea any of that drama was even playing out. There was another time that Jane got so mad that J wouldn't take her with him to run an errand, that she stormed out to the garage and waited there the whole time. I asked her to come in and join us in a game or movie, and she literally screamed at me and slammed the door. As soon as J got home, she was all sweet and smiley and asking for ice cream. REALLY?? J told me not to let it bother me because there's just something about Daddy's and little girls.... I sure hope that's all it is and not that she really hates me!