Too much negativity

I'll admit, I have a LOT of pet peeves. At the very tip top of my list though are complaining and lying. The girls' complaining bothers me so much because they have SOOOO many material things, they have sooo many people to love them and contribute to their "stuff", they have a whole collection of things at mom's house, at dad's house, at our beach house, at their grandma's houses... They go to an expensive school, nice vacations, and on and on I could go. So when they complain about something or pout that we're not going out to eat, or call us mean for sending them to bed early, it REALLY, REALLY gets under my skin. Lying bothers me for the same reason it bothers anybody. The person lying to me thinks I'm not worth the truth, or I'm too stupid to realize they are lying. Either way, it's an insult.

Jane (12) has been doing a really good job the last two weeks of keeping me flustered with pet peeve 1. This is how it went for a full two hours after school last week:

Jane gets in the care: "I want a snack. Where are you taking us for a snack today?"

Me: "Well I don't OWE you a snack every day. It's an occasional treat. Today we have to run some errands until your voice lesson."

Jane: "But I need a snack. I'm starving. I'm not happy without a snack."

Me: "Sorry. Did you eat all your lunch? You went 4 full months during play practice with no afternoon snacks and you survived just fine."

Jane: "But I was angry and hungry the whole time." (Pouting, huffing, puffing)

Jane: "Where are we going for dinner tonight?"

Me: "We're eating at home."

Jane: "What? Why? I want to go out!!"

Me: "Sorry. Menu is planned. Daddy wants to eat at home because we've been out a lot lately."

Jane: "Well, what are you cooking? I want chicken cordon bleu."

Me: "Sorry. Groceries are bought and menu is planned. We are having chicken, but not chicken cordon bleu."

Jane.: "That sucks. I want chicken cordon bleu." (More angry faces and pouting, huffing, puffing)

Jane at the store: "I don't want you to get this (game to play outdoors at beach house). I won't play it. I want badminton."

Me: "Badminton won't work on the beach. It's too windy. You'll never get the birdy over the net. Everything will blow down."

Jane: "Fine. I just won't play anything."

Jane, holding up some other item: "I want this."

Me: "Maybe you can come back and buy it with your own money."

Jane: "I want you to get mean extravagant Easter present."

(It took every ounce of self-control I possess not to lose it right then!) Me: "We don't do Easter presents. And you definitely don't need anything extravagant. You should hear yourself right now. You sound like a spoiled brat throwing a temper tantrum. You're angry about everything I say or do. You need to snap out of it."

She proceeded to go sulk in a corner until I came and found her when I was ready to check out. We had a few minutes before voice lesson, so I took them for a Sonic slush. Not even a thank-you or word or appreciation after all that whining and pouting!

I realize a big part of this is that her step-dad's mom and her mother pretty much cave to all of her demands, and then she comes over here and thinks she can treat me the same way. Sorry, not gonna happen here. Her dad and I sat her down that night and talked about how negative she's been lately. She seemed shocked by how much she had said "I want" in just one afternoon. We showed her how all her angriness and poutiness just makes people not want to be around her. It doesn't accomplish anything but to make her unhappy and drag down everyone around her. I will dread going to pick her up in the afternoons if being around her is a constant beat-down. If she's like that around friends, she won't have any left pretty soon. I hope we got this message through while she still half-way listens to us before the full-force teen years take over soon. It sucks all the fun right out of game night/family night when she gets angry the second she starts losing anything. No one wants to be around an angry person. And it makes it so hard for me to stay in a good mood. We explained to her that since we are the people responsible for her well-being and happiness, when she is constantly UNHAPPY, it makes us want to quit trying. If nothing I do ever makes you happy, why try? I'm not stupid enough to believe that if I just give in to all her "I wants" she will be happy. It just makes her worse (as bio-mom is soon to find out, too late).

Hitting a Low

Year 2014 is proving to be a constant overwhelming struggle with Jane. Two weeks into the year, she received the "gift of womanhood" (if you know what I mean), and it has been straight downhill from there. She has been guilty of so much deceit, lies, sneakiness, rudeness, disrespect, bad attitudes--I mean, you name it, she's probably done it. She has been "in trouble" practically the whole year. The latest offense was finding her chatting online in a game with some boy and saying "I love you"--all of which had been strictly against clearly given rules. All four of us parents in this blended family situation have had to come together so many times lately and discuss how to best help her learn. That may be the ONLY thing helping Jane right now, is that she is finally seeing the four of us as a united front, all backing each other up, instead of knowing she can get away with this or that with one or the other. It's been rough. You hate to have to discipline your child so much, but you fear what may happen if you just let it go. Then you worry about her becoming depressed, down on herself, and emotionally locked out, and what damage that could cause. Every time we reward her for doing something praiseworthy, we find something the very next day that needs punished. I know I shouldn't stress over labels, but I'm starting to feel that she's a "troubled" child, because nothing we do seems to make a difference or impact on her. We've tried every sort of method and approach imaginable, and she just doesn't respond. This parenting thing is tough! I really, really hope that she doesn't behave like this for the next seven years. I don't think I can handle fighting her will and discovering her deceitfulness that much longer. Maybe she's just getting it out early, and the teen years will be a breeze!! Ha, who am I kidding? But one can hope.

Lecture letter #2

Just finished writing Jane's second lecture letter. I'm so disappointed, and angry, and frustrated all at once. We caught her being very deceitful and dishonest about something which caused her mom and us to waste over 1,000 dollars. She is in such hot water. I just get so tired of ALWAYS punishing! It's never-ending. As soon as one punishment is done, she does something so royally stupid and senseless to get another one. She hurt all of us so badly this time. Her mom and I were crying on the phone together--that's how bad it was. Ugh. Just want to give up.

Tween girl emotions

I know I do it. I know all women to a certain degree go through it. Jane is now caught up in it: The emotional roller-coaster of womanhood. Ughh. It's bad enough just handling my own hormones. Now she is giving me a run for my money on who can be the moodiest woman in the house! I just can't wait until Kate joins us.... j/k!

I've been pushing her a little to open up and talk more instead of keeping her face buried in a book or ipad screen all the time. I pushed a little too hard and made her cry. Then I started crying. Then we were a blubbering mess together for no apparent reason. It's ridiculous. So then, she went off and ignored me at school one afternoon and wouldn't look my way or even acknowledge that she knew me. It hurt pretty bad, so J talked to her, and she hugged me real tight and said she was sorry and didn't mean it, and we started crying again. Later that night, she said I was basically a nanny, which hurt my feelings again, so the next morning she called me "mom" to make it better. It's just up and down, up and down... I don't know if I can handle teen girls for 10 more years!

The Entitlement Issue

I've noticed Jane demonstrating a new attitude lately that really gets under my skin--the whole "If I want it, I will have it" mentality. Now if you are grown and have worked to be able to provide yourself with everything you want, kudos to you. But an 11 year old--not so much. Examples:

"I need heart socks and headbands and earrings to wear every day for February. Think you can make that happen?"

"You have to do my nails with blah blah color and blah blah pattern for my school dance Friday."

"Uh, no....I'm not wearing this homemade toga for Greekfest (that you worked all day on and I forgot to tell you about until the day before.) You need to go to Party City and get me a real costume."

Yes, she is a very privileged child and has always received pretty much everything she wants. The difference is that now she is starting to demand it, and believes she is entitled to her every whim. I know she's a little old to start breaking her of this now, but what's been done in the past is past. We've got to address this attitude now. And it is very hard in a stepfamily to not give our child what they want, because in the back of our heads, we know if we say "No", they will just go demand it of their other set of parents. That won't teach them any lesson at all. Several times Jane has asked for something, and I have purchased whatever it is, and saved it for birthday, Christmas, Valentine's...whatever is next, only to find she went ahead and already got it out of her mom. So we have to approach this carefully. Maybe we should let her know she is going to get it if... and put conditions or chores on as a way of earning it instead of just being handed everything on a silver platter. She still may run to her mom for it, but maybe there will be less chance of that if she knows we are planning on it once she has earned it. I don't know. How do you other stepfamilies handle this entitlement attitude?

Getting inside Jane's Head...

Okay, so I'm no head doctor, but sometimes I do like to try to get inside people's heads to figure out what makes them tick--especially people I have interpersonal relationships with, or who I know I'll be around for a long time. I like to observe and analyze actions, reactions, body language, cause and effect, behavioral patterns, et cetera. So here are some observations on Jane.

Lately, I have felt as though Jane is slipping away into a closed-off space. I'm not sure how to describe it exactly, but things just haven't felt "right" since the beginning of this school year (middle school). It is as if she is distancing herself a little, not getting quite as involved, not showing as much care for those around her. She is drifting off into her own little world, only coming out when she wants, and closing the virtual door behind her a little bit more each week. What I'm not sure of yet is if this behavior is directed towards me individually, or all of her parents as a whole.

I can name a handful of possible reasons for this behavior right off the bat. She is going through puberty, and is so focused on her changing body and emotions, that there is no room for others right now, not to mention the embarrassment and self-esteem issues that come along with that. She has been getting into trouble lately with age-appropriateness, and feelings of guilt could be causing her to be unwilling to connect with us. She has recently seen a lot of things online where she threw her innocent mind away, and could be bothered by the idea of what adults actually do, and doesn't want to think of her father and I in that way. Maybe she is in a stage of resenting the whole "two families" thing. She has been going back and forth, back and forth from Mom's to Dad's, Dad's to Mom's every few days for 4 years already, and has to face another 7. I can understand how that could be very overwhelming and exhausting.

I've tried a few things to pull her out of this funk. We went shopping to buy an outfit for her first Middle School Dance, but she was pretty quiet the whole time. I put some new music and games on her iPad, but that didn't generate much interaction. We picked out Halloween costumes, and the first one I said I liked, she picked right away. That was very unusual for her, because decisiveness is definitely not one of her strong points. She can agonize over the smallest decision such as what game to play, for hours! But as the stepmom, I don't want to try too hard. I feel like I should go about my business and not force anything. I'm going to be watching her with her dad this weekend to see if I sense the same thing with him, or if she's more open with him still.

Another pattern I have noticed with Jane is the "blame game". She literally idolizes the time in her life where her Mom and Dad and her were together living "the fairytale life." She cannot yet bring herself to admit that maybe things weren't as perfect as her fabricated memories make her think. Her mom or dad could neither do any wrong in her eyes (which is truthfully an admirable trait in a kid). However, since neither her mom or dad could have messed up the fairytale, she looks around trying to blame someone or something else.

For a long time, I have personally felt that this is at the root of her conflicts and dislike for Kate. My opinion is that she subconsciously equalizes Kate's existence and presence with the demise of her own princess-hood. Here she was, only child, living in a great big house, with anything she could ever wish for, and then along comes Kate. And then along comes divorce. So in her mind, her memories of "life with Mom and Dad" were sans Kate. And everything thereafter, all the problems, and conflict, and moving, and new family... is with Kate. I honestly think she could very well relate the two in her mind. So now, every time she doesn't agree with her Mother's treatment of Kate and herself, she blames Kate. She says "Kate was pitching such a fit, Mom just had to". Or "Kate got x and y and I didn't because she was crying and being a baby and said she felt sick." So instead of blaming her Mom for unfair treatment, she blames Kate. One day I explained to Jane that Kate's behavior is so different at her mom's than with us because she is allowed to act that way. Any kid who can get away with being bad will do it. Kate doesn't behave differently because she is such an awful kid. I explained that different parents have different styles, and if Kate doesn't get in trouble or face any consequences, it is not Kate's fault necessarily, but an allowed behavior by the parent. Jane seemed to understand, so now instead of blaming Kate for everything she doesn't like, she has started blaming her step-grandma who stays with them over at her mom's. Every time she comes over now, she has a new story of "guess what horrible thing Mary did now?" One day when she's older and wants to know the true story of what happened to her "fairytale" she will learn the truth of her mother's affair and drug addictions. Until then, it's hard sometimes, but necessary to let her keep believing her mother is a perfect saint.

The last observation I want to mention is Jane's "clinginess". She constantly hovers, has to be holding hands 24/7, touching in some way, or sitting almost right on top of J or I at all times. Now I don't mind holding her hand now and then or giving a random hug and kiss, but I have to be honest--I get annoyed by this. She is by nature a very "hot-blooded" girl--her skin is always hot and sweaty and she still wants to be so close and touchy. She's not cuddly; she's clingy. I don't know if people will understand this difference. Kate is a cuddler. She curls right up under my arm and cuddles. I love that. What Jane does for some reason, I don't accept as well. I don't like someone following me all over every step I take like a little shadow, to the point where if I step backwards or turn around, I run right into her. I like my space. She likes my space. How do I tell her to go away without hurting her feelings? The other day, we made a quick stop at a store, and were literally parked 5 steps from the door. She came around and tried to hold my hand while I'm putting my keys in my purse, and purse on my shoulder. She couldn't go five steps without holding my hand! I was thinking, "Is this normal for an 11-year old?" J told me he thinks it stems from abandonment issues. Although she was never abandoned, her family split up, and the ADHD compounds her reaction to it. J thinks she is so clingy as an emotional coping mechanism. I get that. So most the time I bite my lip and hold her hot, sweaty hands and let her be my shadow. Certain times though, I just cannot handle it and tell her to go do this or that to get her out of my hair. Sounds awful, but I'm being completely honest here.

So those are some of my latest thoughts on Jane. I'm preparing myself for some crazy teen years to come!

Inflated ego one second...then deflated the next.

Is this a typical phenomena in parenting? One second your kid says something so genuinely sweet and kind, that it sends you walking on clouds, and the next second, they do something so horribly rude and disrespectful, you find yourself falling so hard and landing flat on your face? Well, it happened to me, and I get the feeling I'm not alone.

Yesterday after school, the subject of a parenting seminar offered at school came up. Jane asked if I was going.

Me: "No."

Jane: "Good."

Me: "Why good? Don't you think I should go learn how to be a better parent?"

Jane: "NO! I like you just the way you are. Don't change."

Ahhh! What sweet words to my little stepmom ego. "She actually likes the way I parent!! Who woulda thought?"

Well fast forward a couple hours, and POP goes my ego. Remember, she is still on electronics restrictions at our house. Well, I found on her phone this new game she had been playing at her mom's involving male and female characters with quests to become "romantically involved with three other characters" and "have babies"! WILL SHE EVER LEARN?? I'm literally pulling my hair out at this point. J and I are on the way to ask her mother to PLEASE downgrade her phone to an old kind that just texts and calls... no internet or games! We'll see how this goes over! You can bet we will not be making the same mistake of trusting Kate with internet privileges at too young of an age. Maybe in five years, we'll try again!

So why should kids have internet access, again?

So this is when it all starts--the confrontations as your child gets older and the line between what is appropriate for their age and inappropriate is constantly being moved around. The "battle round" has begun already? We're going to be doing this for the next seven to ten years with Jane? UUggghhh! Here we go.

So we're having a good ol' time in Galveston with some friends for the weekend. Jane had just had a pretty bad week with grumpiness, bad grades, and snapping at adults, myself included. Now, I mentioned previously her mother had gotten her an iPhone for Christmas. (I still don't know why an iPhone, equipped with internet access was necessary! If she just wanted to be able to call and text her child, a regular non-smart phone would have served all the purposes of a 10 year old!) Okay, back to the point. So, yes, I will say it--I don't trust her with the internet! She is 11 now. She is a very curious child. She has been caught not once, or twice, but already three times since the age of 7 googling questions about sex. So, No, I don't trust her, and with good reason. I check her history from time to time to see what she's been up to. Well, I opened her history, and BOOM--like a ton of bricks, I knew right then my day was ruined. I became short of breath and started shaking uncontrollably, scrolling through pages and pages of you tube videos she had watched all night Tuesday night into Wednesday morning.... Well, no wonder she was so grumpy and getting bad grades! She hadn't slept. She took her phone with her to bed at her mother's (never would have been allowed at our house, by the way) and just went you tube crazy apparently. I guess the restriction settings are not strict enough on her phone, because she watched all sorts of "Nude scenes", "strippers" "hot girls private show", etc, etc... You get the point. I can't even type them all out, because it gets my blood boiling all over again.

Anyways, I called J in to see it, and Jane got into so much trouble. She has completely lost all electronics and privileges. She can only read and do schoolwork basically all day until she can gain our trust back. What makes me the saddest though, is that she can't "unsee" it. Her little immature 11-year-old mind is now forever filled with this garbage. When we talked about it after we both calmed down, and I was trying to get her to explain to me why she did it, I asked if she enjoyed what she saw. She said "NO." So I responded, "Well, then guess what? You should have hit the "Stop" button, or "Off" button, or anything except to KEEP watching these filthy things."

While she was back at school the next day, I sat down and wrote her a long "Lecture letter" like I used to get from my mom, and she got from her mom.... But I had Jane read it when she got home, and we were able to discuss a lot of things and talk calmly, knowing there would always be love between us, and that I'm not perfect and have made plenty of mistakes too, and that's why I'm here--is to help her through her mistakes. I had already had the sex talk with her about 6 months before, and we have discussed periods, and all that. So I reminded her again, if she's curious about something or has a question, come ask me. I've been very open with her. So, we're getting over that big event and she seems to be doing well with all the punishments.

Okay. Now for my BIGGEST frustration over the whole thing? GET THIS! You will not believe what you are about to read! Jane's mother, her own MOTHER says, "Oh, I can't take her phone away from her--she'll get mad at me." EXACT QUOTE!! Can you believe that? "Oh sure, I'd rather have my 11 year old girl watch porn on her phone, than to have her get upset with me." And you call yourself a mom? Get real. YOU ARE A JOKE! You are doing your daughter absolutely ZERO favors by being scared of her! You will have ZERO respect from her when she is older. Seriously??!! I have to stop. I'll go on and on. But I'm not out of line for that to bother me, am I?

Back in the groove...this time officially as a "parent"

Wow, what a summer! I haven't written in so long, because everything got crazy there in May with all the end of school year activities and recitals, and then of course June was our big wedding day. Summer got away from us so fast, and now we are back in another school year with a second and sixth grader!

Our wedding was beautiful. The girls walked their daddy down the aisle--it was so precious. They were both a big part of our day and we danced the night away together.

I had a great summer with the girls. They stayed home with me quite a bit in between camps. I prepared some lessons on character traits. So for about 30 minutes each day, we would sit down, learn a new trait, and review the old ones. We learned about Gratitude, Kindness, Diligence, Selflessness, Honesty, Patience, Self-control, Respect, and Obedience. We discussed the definitions of each, examples, benefits of possessing that trait, and the opposites of each. It really went over much better than I expected. I've never done anything like that before, and I thought they might just hate it. Jane ate it up...she loves learning things like this, loves chapel time at school, and sacred studies. Kate participated well, but it was a struggle to hold her attention at times and get her to remember definitions. So all summer long I was watching for them to show these traits themselves, and would write down their name each time they were "caught" showing good character traits. Then, they got treats on the last day of summer for how many times their names were written down. It was really fun, and Jane is already asking if we can do it again next summer. I have to admit, it felt like we were bonding even closer during those times, and it helped the girls get along better, because they wanted to have their names written down.

One really special thing that happened was Jane sent J and I a letter from camp one week, and addressed it "Dad and Mom". That was the first time she has referred to me as Mom. I loved it! Well, now they are back at school and we officially have a middle schooler! Scary. She has started wearing a little makeup to school, and cares about her appearance more and more. Their school has these little "dances" every few months, and it's really just a time for the kids to get together and have snacks in a completely safe, chaperoned atmosphere. Jane is excited and can't wait to get all dressed up for them.

Since school has started, I've been really bothered by the seeming lack of care they are receiving at their mother's house. It is actually breaking my heart. I picked them up on a Wednesday after school, and had last seen them when I dropped them off Monday at school. Both were wearing the exact same uniforms and undergarments! As I was picking up their clothes after showers that evening, I asked why they hadn't changed panties, and why they were wearing dirty clothes. They really didn't have an answer for me. Well, then this week when I picked them up, Kate's uniform dress was filthy and she didn't have any playground shorts on with it. So I asked again, and she told me she wore that dress 3 days in a row, and couldn't find any clean shorts to wear. So I asked if she could have her mom or grandma help her set out clothes the night before like we do, and she said "Mom's always too tired. She just sits on the couch and won't do anything because she's tired. Mary (the step-grandma) won't help me get ready in the mornings because she's too rushed and busy with Jack (their baby half-brother)." It killed me to hear that! I just held her and said "Oh Kate, I wish I could take care of you every morning. I know it's not your fault your clothes are all dirty. I just wish I could help." So now after this happening two weeks in a row, I'm really wondering if I should say something to the mother. I really, really want to, but I know she will probably take it wrong coming from me. J is worried about it too. He may be convinced to say something if it keeps happening. It's just so sad. Jane's school picture day is again on a day she's coming from her mother's, and she's really upset because no one will help fix her hair or make her look special for picture day. Kate's pictures have been on our days the last few years, and I always curl her hair and let her wear lip gloss, and special things like that. It just doesn't seem fair sometimes to only have them part-time! Other times, the break from kids is a God-send.... So I'm torn, but just have to keep loving and doing what I can.