What I've learned...

I learned something this week--hopefully for the last time!

DON'T EVER EMAIL THE EX!

No matter what.

Even if you feel you need to be heard.

Even if you are just defending your husband.

No matter what she did.

No matter how bad it is.

No matter if you feel she needs to understand your hurt.

No matter if it kills you to keep quiet.

JUST DON'T EVER, EVER EMAIL HER TO SAY YOU'RE UPSET, TO GIVE YOUR OPINION, TO DISCUSS SOMETHING THAT BOTHERED YOU.

Just stop opening your mouth. Just drive the kids around and keep the house clean and food in their bellies. That's it.

It will just get turned around and explode in your face EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

You can't ever win with a manipulative narcissist.

DON'T DO IT.

The Immaturaty Never, Ever Stops!

The last several months, I've been holding back a lot of our drama to see if it would help me be positive. What I've found is I actually feel like exploding if I can't vent about all the craziness that comes with Stepmom territory. So here's some of the juicy details:

~~Our custody agreement states that on the kid's birthdays, whichever parent does NOT have them for the day can have a 2 hour dinner with them. The parents' birthdays are not even addressed. Since the kids were so young, when my husband and bio mom were first divorced, they would have their birthday dinner with the kids if it wasn't already their day. We've kind of gotten away from that lately and just celebrated birthdays the day before or day after when the kids were with us. So that's the background. This year, the MORNING OF her birthday, bio mom decided to ask if the kids can have dinner with her. It was a weekend, and the kids had plans with friends. We already had groceries and meals planned and prepped. J responded by stating that he hasn't had the girls on his birthday for a while and why can't we just celebrate when we have them already because we had made plans for the day. She went all into victim mode. "Don't you dare make me feel bad for asking for MY kids on MY birthday. I never remember telling you that you couldn't have them on yours." Etc, etc, etc. The point is--she's in her 40's. The kids are teen and tween--what difference does it make if you celebrate on Monday instead of Sunday? Your birthday isn't that big of a deal, woman! Get over yourself. But no, she just insists on creating unnecessary drama to throw our whole day off. Of course J as always took the high road and assured her she could have dinner with them. So we cancelled plans with friends, and put meal plans on hold. Then an hour before the designated time, she calls to cancel!!!! Totally just wanted to screw with us. You know, in case things had been too calm and we were beginning to think she was normal. She had to prove she is still a manipulative weasel who will stop at nothing to get her own way. My own feelings aside, what exactly does this behavior teach the kids?

~~If you've read many of my posts before, you know we have been trying to hammer "honesty" into Jane's head for years! We both know the problem is that her mother is a habitual liar. Her mantra was always "Lie and deny". So for Jane to be around that 50% of her life makes it very difficult for her to overcome her sneaky, deceitful habits. She really tries, and I can see the turmoil she goes through at times to make the right decision. Well lately, she's had this new, first-time boy crush. She's been very worried about how her dad would respond to her "liking" a boy, let alone spending time with him. So, we caught her lying about it at least the first 4 times something came up. So as we're working through all this, an extra pressure is that she started only wanting to talk to him or make plans with friends when at her mom's. We do not want her thinking she can have no friends or social life with us. Her dad is very reasonable and supportive, because she's always had such a hard time making friends. We want to encourage it, but it's hard to do that when she is dishonest. So we have been trying to find that perfect balance between openness and support and also demanding honesty. She finally started opening up and talking to us about this boy and J even met him. Then twice in one week, her mom lied to us for her to cover things up she didn't want us to know. She was over at the boy's house with siblings and cousins, but the oldest person there was 17. J was upset that bio mom would allow her over at a boy's house with no parents! Bio mom lied and said the parents just ran out for a few minutes, but Jane had already told us they were gone the whole time. Ok, does she really think she is protecting Jane by doing this? Then later that week, she lied for Jane about missing school one morning. It's so extremely discouraging, that as soon as Jane starts being honest, her mom starts lying for her. It's so destructive for Jane.

~~The other thing really bothering me lately is that I am so terribly TIRED of us being the bad guys. It is truly a beat-down. WE make them go to bed. WE make them shower and stay clean and brush their teeth. WE make them put electronics down for family time. WE check up on what they're watching/playing/texting/reading. WE expect them to use manners and answer when spoken to and do as they are told. It doesn't seem terribly unreasonable, does it? But we get eye-rolls and huffs and puffs and attitude because they don't have to do any of these things with bio mom. I'm so sick of it, that I've started letting things slide. You know what, if they have that much of a problem showering and brushing their teeth--fine. Let them stink and have nasty teeth. Not my problem. I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm such a Nazi for having rules and expecting them to be followed. Sure, let's have a 13 and 10 year old make all their decisions and do whatever they please. Then I realize I'm being just like bio mom--so I go back to being Nazi mom real quick! I'd rather be Nazi mom than to be anything like that piece of work!

Just another day in the life of a stepmom...

Sometimes there are no right answers.

Sometimes all the counseling and therapy in the world cannot help.

Sometimes killing with kindness is no longer an option.

Sometimes all the good intentions in the world fall short.

And sometimes, unfortunately the kids are caught in the middle.

What do you do? How do you protect the kids?

Apparently, for the past 3 or 4 weeks, the kids now get the guilt trip for to talking/texting me while at their mother's. The mother has even stopped responding to any emails or texts from me, but will respond right away to J. Kate informed me that their mother will cry and throw fits that "her feelings are hurt" if communication is made. I'm hurt for the kids, not myself. How can they learn the value of maturity or communication with this example? It hurts. And I'm left once again having to retreat into the shadows and pretend I'm non-existent until this little fit has blown over. The funny thing is, I don't even have a clue what started it or what I did to upset her this time. What makes me more sad is that Jane is too scared of upsetting her mom to even talk/text her daddy. It's just not fair to these girls.

Roller Coasters

I'm learning that in blended families there are lots and lots of additional opportunities for sudden and/or gradual "mood swings". Let me explain. We have the kids with us for a few days and everyone is clicking, routines are followed, and we excitedly plan the next few weeks out. The kids can't wait to come back. So we're happy, feeling like things are going well with the kids. And then, something comes up with the ex (because she hears how happily the kids are talking about their time at dad's and wants to sabotage it to bring the focus to herself). And then we get the "Oh my gosh, I just realized I need the girls with me on your day or weekend because of this or that." Never fails. It's like that every time something big is going on at either house. When we got a puppy, got the beach house, got married, the girls were always wanting to be with us and she would try to find ways to trump it. Then their mom got a puppy, got a new car, got a new house, had a baby--so at those times, they always want to be over there. I may buy them a single headband, and their mom then rushes them off on a "bribery-scapade" and gets them each hundreds of dollars worth of jewelry and accessories that they just bring over and never wear or take back to their mom's. It's back and forth, back and forth, each house always wanting the momentum of kid's affections swinging their way. What it boils down to is insecure and immature adults each craving the affirmation that "Yes, my kid loves me and won't stop just because they love their other family too."

I found out over this weekend that their mom cried and cried for hours last week just because Jane sent me a text that she had finished her book and was bored on a road trip with her mom. Her mom took that text to mean that Jane was blaming her for not having something to do. She said it hurt her feelings that Jane would text me about that. How ridiculous! First of all, the text said NOTHING about her mother. It just said "I finished my book and I'm bored in the car." How insecure must you be to get your feelings hurt over that? How sad for your kids that everything is always about YOU. Anyways, it is sad she is so emotionally immature, but I'm feeling pretty good that I am not nearly that insecure any more. I can tell I've made progress in that department, and it feels good. I actually just had my hair in a ponytail and wore an old sweatshirt around her this weekend and didn't care what she thought! (Okay, done tooting my own horn.)

The lesson is, I think that we in blended families need to learn to maintain a consistent, balanced energy in our homes with and without the kids, whether something big is happening that they are excited about, or whether it is just normal hum-drum stuff. If we teach them to be emotional roller-coasters by our own moods, it is only going to hinder them later in life. J and I have started telling them about all the fun things we do together even when they are not home, to show them we are happy and content. They may act upset and jealous that they miss certain things, but deep down I know they are happy to see us happy. We love having them with us, but life doesn't stop when they are not, and we want them to feel the same way too, no matter which family they are with.