Too much negativity

I'll admit, I have a LOT of pet peeves. At the very tip top of my list though are complaining and lying. The girls' complaining bothers me so much because they have SOOOO many material things, they have sooo many people to love them and contribute to their "stuff", they have a whole collection of things at mom's house, at dad's house, at our beach house, at their grandma's houses... They go to an expensive school, nice vacations, and on and on I could go. So when they complain about something or pout that we're not going out to eat, or call us mean for sending them to bed early, it REALLY, REALLY gets under my skin. Lying bothers me for the same reason it bothers anybody. The person lying to me thinks I'm not worth the truth, or I'm too stupid to realize they are lying. Either way, it's an insult.

Jane (12) has been doing a really good job the last two weeks of keeping me flustered with pet peeve 1. This is how it went for a full two hours after school last week:

Jane gets in the care: "I want a snack. Where are you taking us for a snack today?"

Me: "Well I don't OWE you a snack every day. It's an occasional treat. Today we have to run some errands until your voice lesson."

Jane: "But I need a snack. I'm starving. I'm not happy without a snack."

Me: "Sorry. Did you eat all your lunch? You went 4 full months during play practice with no afternoon snacks and you survived just fine."

Jane: "But I was angry and hungry the whole time." (Pouting, huffing, puffing)

Jane: "Where are we going for dinner tonight?"

Me: "We're eating at home."

Jane: "What? Why? I want to go out!!"

Me: "Sorry. Menu is planned. Daddy wants to eat at home because we've been out a lot lately."

Jane: "Well, what are you cooking? I want chicken cordon bleu."

Me: "Sorry. Groceries are bought and menu is planned. We are having chicken, but not chicken cordon bleu."

Jane.: "That sucks. I want chicken cordon bleu." (More angry faces and pouting, huffing, puffing)

Jane at the store: "I don't want you to get this (game to play outdoors at beach house). I won't play it. I want badminton."

Me: "Badminton won't work on the beach. It's too windy. You'll never get the birdy over the net. Everything will blow down."

Jane: "Fine. I just won't play anything."

Jane, holding up some other item: "I want this."

Me: "Maybe you can come back and buy it with your own money."

Jane: "I want you to get mean extravagant Easter present."

(It took every ounce of self-control I possess not to lose it right then!) Me: "We don't do Easter presents. And you definitely don't need anything extravagant. You should hear yourself right now. You sound like a spoiled brat throwing a temper tantrum. You're angry about everything I say or do. You need to snap out of it."

She proceeded to go sulk in a corner until I came and found her when I was ready to check out. We had a few minutes before voice lesson, so I took them for a Sonic slush. Not even a thank-you or word or appreciation after all that whining and pouting!

I realize a big part of this is that her step-dad's mom and her mother pretty much cave to all of her demands, and then she comes over here and thinks she can treat me the same way. Sorry, not gonna happen here. Her dad and I sat her down that night and talked about how negative she's been lately. She seemed shocked by how much she had said "I want" in just one afternoon. We showed her how all her angriness and poutiness just makes people not want to be around her. It doesn't accomplish anything but to make her unhappy and drag down everyone around her. I will dread going to pick her up in the afternoons if being around her is a constant beat-down. If she's like that around friends, she won't have any left pretty soon. I hope we got this message through while she still half-way listens to us before the full-force teen years take over soon. It sucks all the fun right out of game night/family night when she gets angry the second she starts losing anything. No one wants to be around an angry person. And it makes it so hard for me to stay in a good mood. We explained to her that since we are the people responsible for her well-being and happiness, when she is constantly UNHAPPY, it makes us want to quit trying. If nothing I do ever makes you happy, why try? I'm not stupid enough to believe that if I just give in to all her "I wants" she will be happy. It just makes her worse (as bio-mom is soon to find out, too late).

Getting inside Jane's Head...

Okay, so I'm no head doctor, but sometimes I do like to try to get inside people's heads to figure out what makes them tick--especially people I have interpersonal relationships with, or who I know I'll be around for a long time. I like to observe and analyze actions, reactions, body language, cause and effect, behavioral patterns, et cetera. So here are some observations on Jane.

Lately, I have felt as though Jane is slipping away into a closed-off space. I'm not sure how to describe it exactly, but things just haven't felt "right" since the beginning of this school year (middle school). It is as if she is distancing herself a little, not getting quite as involved, not showing as much care for those around her. She is drifting off into her own little world, only coming out when she wants, and closing the virtual door behind her a little bit more each week. What I'm not sure of yet is if this behavior is directed towards me individually, or all of her parents as a whole.

I can name a handful of possible reasons for this behavior right off the bat. She is going through puberty, and is so focused on her changing body and emotions, that there is no room for others right now, not to mention the embarrassment and self-esteem issues that come along with that. She has been getting into trouble lately with age-appropriateness, and feelings of guilt could be causing her to be unwilling to connect with us. She has recently seen a lot of things online where she threw her innocent mind away, and could be bothered by the idea of what adults actually do, and doesn't want to think of her father and I in that way. Maybe she is in a stage of resenting the whole "two families" thing. She has been going back and forth, back and forth from Mom's to Dad's, Dad's to Mom's every few days for 4 years already, and has to face another 7. I can understand how that could be very overwhelming and exhausting.

I've tried a few things to pull her out of this funk. We went shopping to buy an outfit for her first Middle School Dance, but she was pretty quiet the whole time. I put some new music and games on her iPad, but that didn't generate much interaction. We picked out Halloween costumes, and the first one I said I liked, she picked right away. That was very unusual for her, because decisiveness is definitely not one of her strong points. She can agonize over the smallest decision such as what game to play, for hours! But as the stepmom, I don't want to try too hard. I feel like I should go about my business and not force anything. I'm going to be watching her with her dad this weekend to see if I sense the same thing with him, or if she's more open with him still.

Another pattern I have noticed with Jane is the "blame game". She literally idolizes the time in her life where her Mom and Dad and her were together living "the fairytale life." She cannot yet bring herself to admit that maybe things weren't as perfect as her fabricated memories make her think. Her mom or dad could neither do any wrong in her eyes (which is truthfully an admirable trait in a kid). However, since neither her mom or dad could have messed up the fairytale, she looks around trying to blame someone or something else.

For a long time, I have personally felt that this is at the root of her conflicts and dislike for Kate. My opinion is that she subconsciously equalizes Kate's existence and presence with the demise of her own princess-hood. Here she was, only child, living in a great big house, with anything she could ever wish for, and then along comes Kate. And then along comes divorce. So in her mind, her memories of "life with Mom and Dad" were sans Kate. And everything thereafter, all the problems, and conflict, and moving, and new family... is with Kate. I honestly think she could very well relate the two in her mind. So now, every time she doesn't agree with her Mother's treatment of Kate and herself, she blames Kate. She says "Kate was pitching such a fit, Mom just had to". Or "Kate got x and y and I didn't because she was crying and being a baby and said she felt sick." So instead of blaming her Mom for unfair treatment, she blames Kate. One day I explained to Jane that Kate's behavior is so different at her mom's than with us because she is allowed to act that way. Any kid who can get away with being bad will do it. Kate doesn't behave differently because she is such an awful kid. I explained that different parents have different styles, and if Kate doesn't get in trouble or face any consequences, it is not Kate's fault necessarily, but an allowed behavior by the parent. Jane seemed to understand, so now instead of blaming Kate for everything she doesn't like, she has started blaming her step-grandma who stays with them over at her mom's. Every time she comes over now, she has a new story of "guess what horrible thing Mary did now?" One day when she's older and wants to know the true story of what happened to her "fairytale" she will learn the truth of her mother's affair and drug addictions. Until then, it's hard sometimes, but necessary to let her keep believing her mother is a perfect saint.

The last observation I want to mention is Jane's "clinginess". She constantly hovers, has to be holding hands 24/7, touching in some way, or sitting almost right on top of J or I at all times. Now I don't mind holding her hand now and then or giving a random hug and kiss, but I have to be honest--I get annoyed by this. She is by nature a very "hot-blooded" girl--her skin is always hot and sweaty and she still wants to be so close and touchy. She's not cuddly; she's clingy. I don't know if people will understand this difference. Kate is a cuddler. She curls right up under my arm and cuddles. I love that. What Jane does for some reason, I don't accept as well. I don't like someone following me all over every step I take like a little shadow, to the point where if I step backwards or turn around, I run right into her. I like my space. She likes my space. How do I tell her to go away without hurting her feelings? The other day, we made a quick stop at a store, and were literally parked 5 steps from the door. She came around and tried to hold my hand while I'm putting my keys in my purse, and purse on my shoulder. She couldn't go five steps without holding my hand! I was thinking, "Is this normal for an 11-year old?" J told me he thinks it stems from abandonment issues. Although she was never abandoned, her family split up, and the ADHD compounds her reaction to it. J thinks she is so clingy as an emotional coping mechanism. I get that. So most the time I bite my lip and hold her hot, sweaty hands and let her be my shadow. Certain times though, I just cannot handle it and tell her to go do this or that to get her out of my hair. Sounds awful, but I'm being completely honest here.

So those are some of my latest thoughts on Jane. I'm preparing myself for some crazy teen years to come!