And She Disappoints Again...

As sad as it is to admit, you would think the kids would be used to being hurt by their mother. But every time that wound is reopened, it seems to cut a little deeper and sting a little more. This time ended with Kate angry and crying all the way home from her dance recital. But it began a couple weeks before. First, her mom came to 10 minutes of her opening basketball game, but left to go out with friends. Next, she didn't show up at all to Kate's last Christmas program at school, and just sent a "Tell her I'm sorry" text. Then after 7 years of demanding that dance is "her thing", refused to do Kate's hair or makeup for her recital this year, and didn't even bother to go say hi backstage or even see her after the show. Left early to "go get ready for a party" that didn't start until 5 hours later! Usually the parent that doesn't bring her will get her flowers--but no flowers either. Again, the "tell Kate I'm sorry I had to go" text. She couldn't take any more. She broke down all the way home about how angry she is with her mother and needs to sit her down and talk about time management--actual words out of an 11-year-olds mouth. I just felt helpless and heartbroken. I would fix it if I could--but she needed her mother. Then to top it all off, hubby J gets a text 2 days later from bio mom that she really misses Kate and would like to have some of our winter break days with her. Wow... just classic! Use the time that you're given, lady! She doesn't want to see you. And count on it--there WILL BE over the top making up for her guilty conscience over New Years--but it will be things and not time.

Stepdad vs. Stepmom

As I am out and about around other people, my ears always prick up when there is any talk of stepparents or blended family situations. These conversations, combined with movies, TV, and songs paint such a contrasting picture of how stepdads and stepmoms are perceived in this world. Here's my interpretations:

STEPDAD:

~How wonderful for this man to take on some dead-beat's kids and raise them as his own.

~Takes a great guy to be able to step in and love a woman AND her kid.

~Those kids really needed a guy like that in their lives.

~He's really doing the right thing by showing those kids what a father should be.

STEPMOM:

~Who does she think she is, taking over those kids? She's not their mom.

~That woman will never have a bond with those kids like their REAL mother does.

~She probably just married that guy for money and can't wait to get rid of the kids.

~She better check herself and not try to parent those kids. Her place is just to be friendly and no more.

Seriously, why is there such a difference in perceptions? "Stepdad" does not have the evil, wicked, dark cloud hanging over it's head like "Stepmom" does. Why are stepdads perceived as heroes while stepmoms are assumed gold-diggers with evil intentions? Is it all thanks to Cinderella and Snow White movies? Is it because kids pick up on mothers' jealousy and resentment towards the new woman, while men aren't quite as given to being emotional about the ex-wife's new partner? However it started, it is clearly an injustice. There are equal numbers of good and bad moms, dads, stepmoms, and stepdads. No one group is superior to the other, and it's up to us as individuals to prove that over time.

The Immaturaty Never, Ever Stops!

The last several months, I've been holding back a lot of our drama to see if it would help me be positive. What I've found is I actually feel like exploding if I can't vent about all the craziness that comes with Stepmom territory. So here's some of the juicy details:

~~Our custody agreement states that on the kid's birthdays, whichever parent does NOT have them for the day can have a 2 hour dinner with them. The parents' birthdays are not even addressed. Since the kids were so young, when my husband and bio mom were first divorced, they would have their birthday dinner with the kids if it wasn't already their day. We've kind of gotten away from that lately and just celebrated birthdays the day before or day after when the kids were with us. So that's the background. This year, the MORNING OF her birthday, bio mom decided to ask if the kids can have dinner with her. It was a weekend, and the kids had plans with friends. We already had groceries and meals planned and prepped. J responded by stating that he hasn't had the girls on his birthday for a while and why can't we just celebrate when we have them already because we had made plans for the day. She went all into victim mode. "Don't you dare make me feel bad for asking for MY kids on MY birthday. I never remember telling you that you couldn't have them on yours." Etc, etc, etc. The point is--she's in her 40's. The kids are teen and tween--what difference does it make if you celebrate on Monday instead of Sunday? Your birthday isn't that big of a deal, woman! Get over yourself. But no, she just insists on creating unnecessary drama to throw our whole day off. Of course J as always took the high road and assured her she could have dinner with them. So we cancelled plans with friends, and put meal plans on hold. Then an hour before the designated time, she calls to cancel!!!! Totally just wanted to screw with us. You know, in case things had been too calm and we were beginning to think she was normal. She had to prove she is still a manipulative weasel who will stop at nothing to get her own way. My own feelings aside, what exactly does this behavior teach the kids?

~~If you've read many of my posts before, you know we have been trying to hammer "honesty" into Jane's head for years! We both know the problem is that her mother is a habitual liar. Her mantra was always "Lie and deny". So for Jane to be around that 50% of her life makes it very difficult for her to overcome her sneaky, deceitful habits. She really tries, and I can see the turmoil she goes through at times to make the right decision. Well lately, she's had this new, first-time boy crush. She's been very worried about how her dad would respond to her "liking" a boy, let alone spending time with him. So, we caught her lying about it at least the first 4 times something came up. So as we're working through all this, an extra pressure is that she started only wanting to talk to him or make plans with friends when at her mom's. We do not want her thinking she can have no friends or social life with us. Her dad is very reasonable and supportive, because she's always had such a hard time making friends. We want to encourage it, but it's hard to do that when she is dishonest. So we have been trying to find that perfect balance between openness and support and also demanding honesty. She finally started opening up and talking to us about this boy and J even met him. Then twice in one week, her mom lied to us for her to cover things up she didn't want us to know. She was over at the boy's house with siblings and cousins, but the oldest person there was 17. J was upset that bio mom would allow her over at a boy's house with no parents! Bio mom lied and said the parents just ran out for a few minutes, but Jane had already told us they were gone the whole time. Ok, does she really think she is protecting Jane by doing this? Then later that week, she lied for Jane about missing school one morning. It's so extremely discouraging, that as soon as Jane starts being honest, her mom starts lying for her. It's so destructive for Jane.

~~The other thing really bothering me lately is that I am so terribly TIRED of us being the bad guys. It is truly a beat-down. WE make them go to bed. WE make them shower and stay clean and brush their teeth. WE make them put electronics down for family time. WE check up on what they're watching/playing/texting/reading. WE expect them to use manners and answer when spoken to and do as they are told. It doesn't seem terribly unreasonable, does it? But we get eye-rolls and huffs and puffs and attitude because they don't have to do any of these things with bio mom. I'm so sick of it, that I've started letting things slide. You know what, if they have that much of a problem showering and brushing their teeth--fine. Let them stink and have nasty teeth. Not my problem. I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm such a Nazi for having rules and expecting them to be followed. Sure, let's have a 13 and 10 year old make all their decisions and do whatever they please. Then I realize I'm being just like bio mom--so I go back to being Nazi mom real quick! I'd rather be Nazi mom than to be anything like that piece of work!

Too much negativity

I'll admit, I have a LOT of pet peeves. At the very tip top of my list though are complaining and lying. The girls' complaining bothers me so much because they have SOOOO many material things, they have sooo many people to love them and contribute to their "stuff", they have a whole collection of things at mom's house, at dad's house, at our beach house, at their grandma's houses... They go to an expensive school, nice vacations, and on and on I could go. So when they complain about something or pout that we're not going out to eat, or call us mean for sending them to bed early, it REALLY, REALLY gets under my skin. Lying bothers me for the same reason it bothers anybody. The person lying to me thinks I'm not worth the truth, or I'm too stupid to realize they are lying. Either way, it's an insult.

Jane (12) has been doing a really good job the last two weeks of keeping me flustered with pet peeve 1. This is how it went for a full two hours after school last week:

Jane gets in the care: "I want a snack. Where are you taking us for a snack today?"

Me: "Well I don't OWE you a snack every day. It's an occasional treat. Today we have to run some errands until your voice lesson."

Jane: "But I need a snack. I'm starving. I'm not happy without a snack."

Me: "Sorry. Did you eat all your lunch? You went 4 full months during play practice with no afternoon snacks and you survived just fine."

Jane: "But I was angry and hungry the whole time." (Pouting, huffing, puffing)

Jane: "Where are we going for dinner tonight?"

Me: "We're eating at home."

Jane: "What? Why? I want to go out!!"

Me: "Sorry. Menu is planned. Daddy wants to eat at home because we've been out a lot lately."

Jane: "Well, what are you cooking? I want chicken cordon bleu."

Me: "Sorry. Groceries are bought and menu is planned. We are having chicken, but not chicken cordon bleu."

Jane.: "That sucks. I want chicken cordon bleu." (More angry faces and pouting, huffing, puffing)

Jane at the store: "I don't want you to get this (game to play outdoors at beach house). I won't play it. I want badminton."

Me: "Badminton won't work on the beach. It's too windy. You'll never get the birdy over the net. Everything will blow down."

Jane: "Fine. I just won't play anything."

Jane, holding up some other item: "I want this."

Me: "Maybe you can come back and buy it with your own money."

Jane: "I want you to get mean extravagant Easter present."

(It took every ounce of self-control I possess not to lose it right then!) Me: "We don't do Easter presents. And you definitely don't need anything extravagant. You should hear yourself right now. You sound like a spoiled brat throwing a temper tantrum. You're angry about everything I say or do. You need to snap out of it."

She proceeded to go sulk in a corner until I came and found her when I was ready to check out. We had a few minutes before voice lesson, so I took them for a Sonic slush. Not even a thank-you or word or appreciation after all that whining and pouting!

I realize a big part of this is that her step-dad's mom and her mother pretty much cave to all of her demands, and then she comes over here and thinks she can treat me the same way. Sorry, not gonna happen here. Her dad and I sat her down that night and talked about how negative she's been lately. She seemed shocked by how much she had said "I want" in just one afternoon. We showed her how all her angriness and poutiness just makes people not want to be around her. It doesn't accomplish anything but to make her unhappy and drag down everyone around her. I will dread going to pick her up in the afternoons if being around her is a constant beat-down. If she's like that around friends, she won't have any left pretty soon. I hope we got this message through while she still half-way listens to us before the full-force teen years take over soon. It sucks all the fun right out of game night/family night when she gets angry the second she starts losing anything. No one wants to be around an angry person. And it makes it so hard for me to stay in a good mood. We explained to her that since we are the people responsible for her well-being and happiness, when she is constantly UNHAPPY, it makes us want to quit trying. If nothing I do ever makes you happy, why try? I'm not stupid enough to believe that if I just give in to all her "I wants" she will be happy. It just makes her worse (as bio-mom is soon to find out, too late).

Can't I just be daddy's fun, cool wife?

We've been pushing our girls SUPER hard the last 2 months to get along better; not fight; not bully; not insult each other; be kind. We have definitely seen some effort, and probably some improvement as well. I even framed little quotations in the hallway between their bedrooms as constant reminders: However, I've been asking myself, "Why am I the one doing this? Why do I care so much how they treat each other?" Their own mother said she doesn't think the girls will ever get along at this point, so don't even bother trying! I don't know when or why or how I have become this super-involved "parent." I lose my patience almost once a week. I always regret it and feel guilty for yelling instead of relaxing. I feel like I have come to the place of doing almost EVERYTHING a normal parent does. I have taken them to every dental, doctor, you-name-it appointment for the past 2 years (even when it's not my husband's custody day). I have to plan summer camps and register and take care of every little thing the school needs all the time. I have to get medications and refills and prescriptions. The organization stuff I can do. I'm good at it. But I'm not a good people person. I catch myself griping about a mess left over here, dirty clothes on the floor there, someone's bad attitude, or loud and wild craziness. I feel like my over-involvement is making me much less fun to be around. I don't want the girls to dread being with me because it's just a matter of time until one gets "yelled at." Jane has started giving me this huffy-puffy, so-annoyed, teenager-y attitude lately and it gets me SO flustered SO fast, I don't even have a second to check myself, and before you know it, I made her cry again. Isn't my job as "bonus mom" just supposed to be the fun-loving, no-stress, friendly "aunt" type of position? How have I become this over-bearing, everything has to be perfect, teach them to behave person? Maybe I see the need and feel like no one else is doing anything about it, so I feel obligated. But I fear they will grow to resent me very soon. How do I get back to being their daddy's fun, cool wife instead of the evil stepmother that I feel like?

Unhealthy Hostility

When I accepted my husband's proposal for marriage, I knew I was also accepting his two girls into my life--forever. What I was also accepting, however--as far from the forefront as my thoughts as it was--was his ex being part of my life--forever. Despite my early, naïve thinking that she would be a very insignificant factor in my new life--maybe to only be seen or heard from around birthdays or the holidays--the cold, hard truth is that she is very much a big part of our family life and she is here to stay. She'll never stop being their mom. Any hostility, resentment, insecurities, or jealousy on my part will only lead to my own unhappiness and miserable marriage. I had to realize that my negative comments or "Poor me--I don't have a say in anything. I'm just overlooked, neglected stepmom" attitudes are the exact opposite of what my family needs from me.

My husband just escaped a hostile environment. Divorce wasn't pleasant. There's always arguments and accusations, hurt feelings, court dates, dividing property, financial distress. He didn't endure that just to get back into a relationship with a negative, hostile person. And it seems like the more involved I get, the easier it is to fall into that negativity trap. I'm here to be his second wind, his breath of fresh air, a reminder that love CAN last, and trust IS attainable. So anytime I roll my eyes at the mention of her name, or mutter under my breath while he's talking to her on the phone, or act hurt when the oldest girl talks incessantly about memories of their family "before", I am doing a disservice. I am hurting, not helping. I am inviting unhealthy hostility into my life and the lives of my family.

I had to make a choice very early on in my blended family experience to GET OVER IT! I now am so involved in the girls' daily life and school happenings, that I communicate with her at least two or three times a week. At first it was just places and times to meet to drop off or pick up this or that. Gradually it has evolved to also include discussions of behavior, health, puberty, and what we need to work on. It's not always easy, but if I don't let my mind wander and dwell on the past, we work together pretty well. On the flip side, I have to walk a tight line and not get too involved or friendly with her to the point that I'm sharing and parenting more with her than with my husband. He doesn't want us to be "friends" because he knows I'm a very trusting person and could easily be hurt by her stabbing me in the back again.

So I must be friendly, but not friends.

I must be open, but not vulnerable.

I must be flexible, but not a push-over.

I must be non-judgmental, but not naïve.

I must be honest, but not mean.

I must communicate, but not overshare.

I must be very balanced!

It's easy to see now why so many stepmoms easily fall to one side or the other over time and have such huge frustrations because it's such a delicate balance. I feel like the old adage to "keep them at arm's length" is a good one to apply in this situation. Don't let her control your life, but be open enough to allow the kids to see a united blended family instead of all the unhealthy hostility.

Part Time Parenting

I've been needing to blog for a while, but haven't been able to organize my thoughts into anything that would be readable or make sense. So I decided to make some lists because that always helps me organize. Here's my pros and cons (as they come to me) of being a part time parent--meaning, kids are with us 50% and over at bio mom's 50% (more or less).

Pros:

1. Hubby and I rarely have to find a babysitter. We can plan all of our alone time around the girls' schedule.

2. We get to travel a lot more than we would with full time kids.

3. Having a few days "off" lets me get my head right and be more refreshed and less frustrated and irritated at every little thing they do. (Sometimes, after they've been with me for a week straight, I feel like all I do is correct them by the end of the week.)

4. When I am missing them, I always think about what I love about them. It helps me focus on the positive things.

5. I get to have the occasional "lazy" day where all I want to do is stay in my yoga pants, drink coffee, and surf the net, without worrying about laundry, dinner, taking kids here and there.

6. The kids are always more happy to see us after being away for the weekend. If they were here every day, I don't know that they'd ever be happy to see me.

Cons:

1. I'm missing 50% of their childhood.

2. Parenting conflicts with other household. (Example, this week Kate's teacher told us that she needs to not be so exclusive with one other friend. They need to include other girls in their friendship. I agreed and talked to Kate about what she can do to work on this. Bio mom thought teacher was out of line and is encouraging Kate to be even more exclusive with the friend.)

3. Having to constantly coordinate with the other household for scheduling events, parties, recitals, games, buying things. (Another example-- we just booked Kate's birthday party on a date that was formerly agreed upon by both houses. Six days before the party, the bio mom wants to move it because of a conflict, when we already paid a deposit. We have to work together to book summer trips. We have to constantly communicate about who is going to send money to the class mom, who is buying school photos, who is buying books from the book fair, who is getting volleyball and basketball shoes and uniforms, who is paying for voice lessons, who is paying for musical costumes, etc. It's constant coordination, and if one side is upset with the other, communication gets dropped, and the kids hurt for it.)

4. Sometimes not knowing what the kids have been doing for the last five days makes me feel somewhat alienated when I pick them up, almost like we have to get to know each other all over again and get back into our routine every time they've been gone longer than 2 days.

5. Losing nice stuff we buy them. This has gotten a little better as they get older, but it can be really upsetting when we buy them nice clothes, toys, books, whatever, and they wear/take them over to bio mom's, and we never see it again. (Jane this summer left a brand new outfit on the floor of their hotel in New York. Kate let her brother play with a nice electronic and he broke it. I could go on and on.)

6. Feeling like the "mean parents". Hubby and I have rules--strict rules I suppose. We are always present and involved and know what the kids are up to. They know exactly what they can and can't do. And they know there are going to be consequences for crossing the line. At bio mom's however, there is zero supervision, zero rules, zero accountability. Whatever goes. I know in the long run, our rules are safer and better for them. However, in the present, it stings when they call me "mean". I also wonder what it does to the girls to not be allowed to do something or act a certain way for a few days, and then other days, they can get away with it. Are we really teaching them anything? Do our rules do any good if they're only for 50% of their lives? I don't know--maybe 50% of the lessons we teach them will stick!

4 Things that can only stress a Step

!

This is my "Intimate Journey" according to my title, so I'll tell you exactly how this train of thought started. I am completely happy with my body all except for a couple inches of belly bulge. Since the age of 28, I have not been able to burn off belly fat any time I please like I used to. An extra workout, skip a meal, drink more water was all it took before, and I had a flat stomach again in a day or two. Not so much anymore. I can workout for a month straight, eat nothing but turkey burgers and broccoli, and the belly fat stays on. You probably already know it is related to the hormone cortisol, which is multiplied by stress and/or simple carbs (sugar). Yes, I like my sweets. But I cut out sweets, and guess what, belly bulge is still here. So I thought about stress. What causes me stress? I was surprised to find all my answers revolved around "stepmom" status.

1. What if I am the reason the kids decide one day they want to live with bio mom? I mean, if I lose it one too many times, or have too strict of rules, or make them do too many chores, they have the option in a few years to just up and leave. STRESS!

2. How will the kids ever turn out ok when there is no discipline, guidance, or even time for love and listening 50% of their lives? I am daily stunned by the things my girls say go on at bio mom's. I know I have to take it all with a grain of salt, because who knows how they portray our house to her! But seriously, no one puts them to bed at night? They just fall asleep in their clothes wherever they happen to be reading or watching TV. Kate comes back after 3 days and hasn't showered or changed underclothes since her last day with us. Jane (12 years old) was given by bio mom a strapless mini dress--yes, you read that right--a strapless mini dress to wear this summer in New York! Trying to hard to be a friend instead of a parent, you think?? MAJOR STRESS!

3. What if my girls don't want a relationship with me once they're grown and gone? After all, I'm "daddy's wife". What if they feel no need to stay close? They've been living with so much pressure all their lives to keep both "moms" happy. Maybe they're really tired of that, and will just want 1 mom so they don't have to worry about our hurt feelings all the time? MORE STRESS!

4. Am I getting too involved? I notice other stepparents, and read several articles indicating that my level of participation in my kids lives is way above average. There are dangers involved with this. It can lead to resentment and bitterness down the road. Most of what I do started because I wanted to help ease the load of responsibilities for my husband. So I slowly started taking things over. Now, I'm in so deep, I don't think I could back off even if I need to. I take them to dentists and doctors. I register them for school. I buy all their clothes and shoes. I make the birthday cakes. I help at school functions. I decorate their rooms. On and on it goes. I've managed to worm my way into every area of their lives, and I just hope it is truly what THEY need, and not what I want. I hope it's healthy for them. I don't want them to look back later and think, "Man, she tried way too hard to be Mom." Back seat stepparents seem to have far less drama and hurt feelings! STRESS, STRESS, STRESS!

I'm sure you other stepparents can add some good ones to this list! In the mean time, I will go have some chocolate since it seems my belly fat isn't going away any time soon anyways.

Ramblings with No Subject!

I have so much in my heart and head right now that I just need to get out.  This will probably be the most random, unorganized post you've ever read because I'm just sorting through my thoughts as I type them!

The summer is going pretty well so far.  We are always so busy in June.  We have my husband's birthday and Father's Day, my birthday, and our anniversary to celebrate.  (Let's not talk about how much weight I put on this month after all those treats!)  The girls have been with me most of June so far, but will be away most of July at camps and vacation with their mom.

They have been doing really well with their behavior  They are NOT nice to each other, but the amount of rudeness and mean comments to each other seems to be decreasing.  I'm happy if they are just neutral.  I don't force them to be kind, but I don't tolerate rudeness.  We have to start somewhere!  Maybe once they're in their 30's, they'll finally be friends!

If you've read my other posts, you know we're working with Jane on what's appropriate for her age, and what is too "adult-ish".  We thought her mom was on-board and supportive with this, but Jane came over the other day with an adult women's magazine, and said her mom gave it to her so she could look at the pictures of stylish clothes.  Well, I don't know how stuck in the sand bio-mom's head is, but I don't know a single 12-year old girl who would not read the articles about "How to spice up your sex life"  and "10 ways to make your man find you irresistible" and so on.  Unbelievable!!  Why would she let her have that magazine?  Then we also hear from Kate that Jane is allowed to watch the TV show Friends at her mom's house, which has tons of sex scenes and conversations in it.  I don't want to HIDE sex from her and make it some big mystery that she's not allowed to know about, but at the same time, I don't want to FEED it to her all the time and give her access to all kinds of details she shouldn't know yet.

It's so frustrating when we try to set standards and boundaries for her here, and then there is no support at her other house.  Her mom tries so hard to be a friend instead of a parent.  It is also very hard to try to explain to her that we don't think she is old enough for things that her mom allows, without sounding negative about her mother.

Then Kate broke my heart last night and today saying she didn't want to go back to her mother's house.  She wanted to stay with me.  She curled up in the back seat in their driveway and said if they didn't see her, she didn't have to get out.  Could I just take her back to our house.  It made me so sad, because of course I would LOVE to take her home with me!!  She had a bad dream about our pet Lab dying and was sobbing uncontrollably all morning, which made it even harder to make her leave.  =(

My mom came to visit for a few days, and it was the first time the girls have really been able to spend time with her and get to know each other a little bit.  It felt good to watch them just accept her for who she is and want to learn about her, and talk and play together.  The girls loved hearing stories about how I behaved as a child and finding out why I'm such a "perfectionist" about things.

Everything else filling up my thoughts isn't related to being "stepmom" so I'll spare you all!  Hope everyone is enjoying their summer!

Summer Goals

Blogging will probably be scarce during the summer. I get so much less free time than I'm used to during the school year. Here's some goals I have for the girls and I to work on this summer during our time together:

JANE:

1. Honesty, honesty, honesty--No matter how small the lie, I want her to start recognizing every time she isn't telling the truth. She admitted last week that sometimes, she doesn't even realize she is lying. That means it could already be a habit for her, so we are going to work really hard on that.

2. Respecting adults and using manners--I've been a little concerned watching her interact with friends' parents and grandparents lately. She just takes things without asking, or doesn't say "please" and "thank-you". Being polite seems like a petty issue, but I think it will take her a long way when making friends and getting jobs, et cetera.

3. Being nice to Kate--This one just stays and stays and STAYS on the list!! I don't even need to explain. This issue makes me cry at night. I've talked and talked and made suggestions until I'm blue in the face. She just really needs to get a grip.

KATE:

1. Being argumentative--This has been driving me CRAZY lately! No matter what I say, how trivial or unimportant, she will argue, even when obviously dead wrong, just for the sake of arguing. I want to pull my hair out! Examples: Me-"Watch out for that rock in the way." K-"No, it's not a rock. It's a pebble." Me-"Can you pick up your towel please?" K-"That's not my towel." My head-(Clearly, yes it is, because you're the only one who just showered; it's your towel; and it's in your room... Why even deny or try to argue that? UUGGGHHHHHH!) Me-"Tomorrow is the last day of school." K-"No it's not. Thursday is." My head--TOMORROW IS THURSDAY!!! Do you understand my frustration?

2. Not taking Jane's meanness personally--Kate will cry herself to sleep after a rude comment from Jane. She's always been very emotional, and she takes everything to heart. She complains that she thinks Jane hates her and won't ever want to play with her again. She's afraid to ever tell on anything Jane does, or stick up for herself, for fear of Jane "getting mad" at her. It's so sad and breaks my heart. I wish she could see that Jane just says things without thinking because she is jealous or insecure.

I have no illusions of actually perfecting these things in one summer. I know kids are kids, and I don't expect them to be perfect. But we should always be striving towards goals of bettering ourselves, right? If we can make a little progress in these things this summer, I will feel successful. And of course, I hope we have lots of fun and laughter and smiles along the way.

Hitting a Low

Year 2014 is proving to be a constant overwhelming struggle with Jane. Two weeks into the year, she received the "gift of womanhood" (if you know what I mean), and it has been straight downhill from there. She has been guilty of so much deceit, lies, sneakiness, rudeness, disrespect, bad attitudes--I mean, you name it, she's probably done it. She has been "in trouble" practically the whole year. The latest offense was finding her chatting online in a game with some boy and saying "I love you"--all of which had been strictly against clearly given rules. All four of us parents in this blended family situation have had to come together so many times lately and discuss how to best help her learn. That may be the ONLY thing helping Jane right now, is that she is finally seeing the four of us as a united front, all backing each other up, instead of knowing she can get away with this or that with one or the other. It's been rough. You hate to have to discipline your child so much, but you fear what may happen if you just let it go. Then you worry about her becoming depressed, down on herself, and emotionally locked out, and what damage that could cause. Every time we reward her for doing something praiseworthy, we find something the very next day that needs punished. I know I shouldn't stress over labels, but I'm starting to feel that she's a "troubled" child, because nothing we do seems to make a difference or impact on her. We've tried every sort of method and approach imaginable, and she just doesn't respond. This parenting thing is tough! I really, really hope that she doesn't behave like this for the next seven years. I don't think I can handle fighting her will and discovering her deceitfulness that much longer. Maybe she's just getting it out early, and the teen years will be a breeze!! Ha, who am I kidding? But one can hope.

Lecture letter #2

Just finished writing Jane's second lecture letter. I'm so disappointed, and angry, and frustrated all at once. We caught her being very deceitful and dishonest about something which caused her mom and us to waste over 1,000 dollars. She is in such hot water. I just get so tired of ALWAYS punishing! It's never-ending. As soon as one punishment is done, she does something so royally stupid and senseless to get another one. She hurt all of us so badly this time. Her mom and I were crying on the phone together--that's how bad it was. Ugh. Just want to give up.

My 11 year old kid is barking like a dog.... HELP!

Jane has been exhibiting some strange behavior lately. I wrote last week about her "emotional ups and downs", but now it is more than just emotions. She is acting out. Her dad and I have both separately and together sat her down in the past and talked about ADHD, what it does to her brain, how to recognize behaviors resulting from it, learning to control herself, etc. This week however, she is just outright out of control, and I can't get through to her. She has outbursts of all these strange noises, will talk in different indiscernible voices, squeal, suddenly scream for no reason, bark like a dog, and she doesn't even know she is consciously doing these things. I don't know if she is just feigning innocence, in denial, or honestly doesn't know, but she looked at me this morning and said "What outbursts? I haven't made any sounds." It is very disheartening to sit by and watch her act like this, because I thought she had made so much progress and was well beyond this point. I started thinking it could be a self-defense mechanism, a sign of something else going on, but I don't know anything going on that could be bothering her. Maybe there is some kind of trouble at her mother's house.

What do I do? Should she get "in trouble" for having a condition she didn't choose? Should she be scolded because she is old enough to control herself better? Do we just let her be, and see if she stops behaving this way soon? Poor Kate had to calmly ask her 4 times on the way to school to "Please keep your hands to yourself, Jane" because she keep randomly reaching over and grabbing her. Three teachers on her last report card wrote comments about her being impulsive, talking disruptively, and not participating well in class. She is on the highest dose of medication allowed for her size, and it has always worked well until the last few weeks. I'm at my wit's end, but here is what I constantly remind myself:

1. LOVE her, not her behavior, and SHOW her you love her.

2. Don't make her feel bad about herself. When correcting, tell her she is choosing to let the ADHD control her, instead of her controlling it.

3. Be positive. You CAN do this. Show her how happy everyone is around her when she is behaving with self-control.

4. Make yourself available and open if she finally decides to share something personal, or let her defenses down and become vulnerable. Watch for signs of the root problems that is causing this sudden change in behavior.

The Entitlement Issue

I've noticed Jane demonstrating a new attitude lately that really gets under my skin--the whole "If I want it, I will have it" mentality. Now if you are grown and have worked to be able to provide yourself with everything you want, kudos to you. But an 11 year old--not so much. Examples:

"I need heart socks and headbands and earrings to wear every day for February. Think you can make that happen?"

"You have to do my nails with blah blah color and blah blah pattern for my school dance Friday."

"Uh, no....I'm not wearing this homemade toga for Greekfest (that you worked all day on and I forgot to tell you about until the day before.) You need to go to Party City and get me a real costume."

Yes, she is a very privileged child and has always received pretty much everything she wants. The difference is that now she is starting to demand it, and believes she is entitled to her every whim. I know she's a little old to start breaking her of this now, but what's been done in the past is past. We've got to address this attitude now. And it is very hard in a stepfamily to not give our child what they want, because in the back of our heads, we know if we say "No", they will just go demand it of their other set of parents. That won't teach them any lesson at all. Several times Jane has asked for something, and I have purchased whatever it is, and saved it for birthday, Christmas, Valentine's...whatever is next, only to find she went ahead and already got it out of her mom. So we have to approach this carefully. Maybe we should let her know she is going to get it if... and put conditions or chores on as a way of earning it instead of just being handed everything on a silver platter. She still may run to her mom for it, but maybe there will be less chance of that if she knows we are planning on it once she has earned it. I don't know. How do you other stepfamilies handle this entitlement attitude?

Must Read Article

This article was being passed around on FB this week, and I really think we should all take a few minutes to read it:

What Really Happens When We Give Kids Everything They Want

I think there is even greater danger in blended families of the problems mentioned in this article because in addition to the kids being pressured by their peers, we parents are pressured by the other set of parents. "Well, if her mom buys her $80 Sperry's, then I better go get her a pair too so she won't like her mom more than me." This kind of insecure reasoning and bending over backwards to make sure we get our kids everything they want, and do a better job than their other parents is very destructive to building character in the kids' lives. I was reminded of that this Christmas, when Jane came over wearing a new present from her mom--a hoodie from Victoria's Secret Pink. Sure, it was innocent enough with just the word "Pink" and a picture of the dog, but J and I have a major problem with it. We don't want our 11 year old daughter wearing a brand of clothes that is all about sex. We don't want men or boys looking at her and thinking "Victoria's Secret" at 11. How do we tell her? I got two words out of my mouth, and she immediately went to defense mode--"Isabella and Becca and Casey all wear it." It's tough, but we have to stick to boundaries even if it makes us the "mean" ones, or if it worries us that they will resent us, and want to be around the parent that lets them do whatever they want.

That's where I get discouraged and want to give up so many times. I put so much energy into teaching, teaching, teaching, but then for 50% of their lives, the lessons are either opposite, or just not reinforced at all. So I ask myself time and time again, "What is the point?" Why do all this teaching and character-building, risking their dislike, when it's not going anywhere because of lack of reinforcement? Amy I wasting my time? Should I just be fun and let whatever chaos of the day rule the home, since that is what happens at their mom's? No, I don't think so. If one or both of them ends up being a better person because of my influence, then it is worth it, and I can go to sleep each night knowing I am doing and have done everything within my power to affect these girls toward as much good as I possibly can. Whether anyone ever realizes it or thanks me doesn't matter.

Greater Joy, Greater Pain

"Kids say the darndest things." Isn't that the truth? Some things are profoundly more amusing as a step parent. Here's some things Kate has said in the past couple weeks:

"I'm so glad I don't have a wicked stepmom like Cinderella and Snow White did."

"I'm happy Daddy found you. It would be awful if I had a Mom and Dad at one house and just a Dad at the other house. Daddy is probably glad he found you too so he wouldn't have to pay a maid or babysitter anymore."

"You're the best mom ever. I would never want anyone else. You're pretty, and you love me, and Daddy loves you, and you take care of me. We really needed you when it was just Daddy and us. He couldn't ever fix my hair right!"

"I'm going to live with you until I'm 30. Then I'm going to buy the house next door to you. And if you and Daddy retire to live on an island like you say you are, then I'll live on the island with you. My husband will be there to take care of my kids and drive them around, but I'm staying with you. Wherever you move, I'm going too." Okay, Kate. Whatever you say! =)

These little things she says just make my day! Isn't it ironic how the more you love someone, the greater the joy they can bring you? But with that, the greater pain you feel in disappointments.

I love their innocent perspectives now as children, but a fear of mine is what their perspectives will be as adults. Will I just be "daddy's wife", or "that really strict stepmom we had growing up"? An even greater fear is, what will happen to me if something happens to J? I know I shouldn't think like that, but sometimes, I go there. I will no longer have kids or anyone close to me. Yeah, I was right--shouldn't think about that. Total downer.

Anyway, my method is to treasure each special moment I have with them now, so I can draw on the memories later to get me through the darker moments.

Am I a mom?

So, there's something that has been nagging me lately... Am I a mom? I have been doing a lot of reading and research on being a stepmom lately, and have been exposed to several different, and some conflicting mindsets of other stepmoms out there. I have read all the way from one extreme of "Yes, you're a mom. They are your kids too. You can refer to yourself as 'mom' and discipline and make decisions for them" etc., all the way to the other extreme of "No. You are not a mom. You are their father's wife and that is all. You have no right to be an authority, be respected, correct, or be involved in their lives" etc., and about every position in between. So naturally, I think the answer lies somewhere in the middle, with a good balance of the two mindsets, but where exactly? I'm a person who likes to have rules and regulations drawn out in black and white for me so I know where to fit in, and where to stay away. I suppose every stepfamily has its own unique dynamic, which makes "where the stepmom fits in" a decision based on one's individual family's needs.

Certain days I feel like a total mom--running the kids around, helping with school work, fixing dinners, buying clothes, going to birthday parties, etc. Then, the kids are suddenly not here for a few days, and I look around at the empty house and think, "Okay, who am I now? I'm suddenly not mom anymore." So I go back to just being me the "wifey" and become comfortable with that, when suddenly--BAM!--the kids are back and I must become "mom" again. Having part-time kids is so confusing and wonderful and exhausting. I just feel like a tennis ball some days, being bounced around from one side of the court to the other.

Maybe the label of "mom" just isn't quite as important as the person I actually am. Maybe it shouldn't matter to me what label I give myself, and just focus on being the best wife I can and best stepmom I can, and just stop trying to figure it all out!

Inflated ego one second...then deflated the next.

Is this a typical phenomena in parenting? One second your kid says something so genuinely sweet and kind, that it sends you walking on clouds, and the next second, they do something so horribly rude and disrespectful, you find yourself falling so hard and landing flat on your face? Well, it happened to me, and I get the feeling I'm not alone.

Yesterday after school, the subject of a parenting seminar offered at school came up. Jane asked if I was going.

Me: "No."

Jane: "Good."

Me: "Why good? Don't you think I should go learn how to be a better parent?"

Jane: "NO! I like you just the way you are. Don't change."

Ahhh! What sweet words to my little stepmom ego. "She actually likes the way I parent!! Who woulda thought?"

Well fast forward a couple hours, and POP goes my ego. Remember, she is still on electronics restrictions at our house. Well, I found on her phone this new game she had been playing at her mom's involving male and female characters with quests to become "romantically involved with three other characters" and "have babies"! WILL SHE EVER LEARN?? I'm literally pulling my hair out at this point. J and I are on the way to ask her mother to PLEASE downgrade her phone to an old kind that just texts and calls... no internet or games! We'll see how this goes over! You can bet we will not be making the same mistake of trusting Kate with internet privileges at too young of an age. Maybe in five years, we'll try again!

I'm so confused....

I received a twitter follower from a user a few days ago whose profile was all about "Step mothers". I thought that was interesting, so I followed her back, and found out she has an entire website, blog, book, etc. about the struggles of being a stepmom, practical advice, and so on. I never even knew that stuff existed! So I was reading through her blog, and now I'm afraid I have been going about the stepmom thing all wrong. I need to start over!

So I shouldn't discipline? I shouldn't try so hard to be a "parent"? Maybe I'm supposed to be just a fun, loving, non-authority figure? What? She has so many articles that hit so close to home for me. My kids have parents who can discipline them. It is NOT a contest to see who is a better Mom or who can get the most affection from the kids, or who the kids talk about more negatively... I realized all these things that circle through my head are NORMAL! Come to find out, all stepmoms struggle with that. All of us struggle to find our place in our family's life. Am I Mom? Am I like an Aunt? Am I a nanny? Am I dad's wife? Who am I and what is my role? Yes, I pick up from school, go to activities, do homework, cook, do laundry, buy them clothes... but where does it end? If I do all that, should I not also be able to correct when wrong is done? I should just stand by and let them mess up over and over? What about when their "Real parents" aren't around for any of the wrong-doing? Is it okay then to correct? Their was a phrase I read in one of the blog articles that stated "Connect, don't correct." That is actually a new concept for me. Yes, I feel connected to my stepkids, but I also correct them, and they take it well because of our connection. So, how do I handle all this new advice? I feel like I've been doing everything wrong, and I need a fresh start. I read so many helpful tips, but how do I digress to that silent, un-involved in anything other than "my business" partner? I am feeling like I have way overstepped my role in my new family. I have no answers right now... only questions. I encourage you to click on the link and check out her website. I may need to buy this book now!

So why should kids have internet access, again?

So this is when it all starts--the confrontations as your child gets older and the line between what is appropriate for their age and inappropriate is constantly being moved around. The "battle round" has begun already? We're going to be doing this for the next seven to ten years with Jane? UUggghhh! Here we go.

So we're having a good ol' time in Galveston with some friends for the weekend. Jane had just had a pretty bad week with grumpiness, bad grades, and snapping at adults, myself included. Now, I mentioned previously her mother had gotten her an iPhone for Christmas. (I still don't know why an iPhone, equipped with internet access was necessary! If she just wanted to be able to call and text her child, a regular non-smart phone would have served all the purposes of a 10 year old!) Okay, back to the point. So, yes, I will say it--I don't trust her with the internet! She is 11 now. She is a very curious child. She has been caught not once, or twice, but already three times since the age of 7 googling questions about sex. So, No, I don't trust her, and with good reason. I check her history from time to time to see what she's been up to. Well, I opened her history, and BOOM--like a ton of bricks, I knew right then my day was ruined. I became short of breath and started shaking uncontrollably, scrolling through pages and pages of you tube videos she had watched all night Tuesday night into Wednesday morning.... Well, no wonder she was so grumpy and getting bad grades! She hadn't slept. She took her phone with her to bed at her mother's (never would have been allowed at our house, by the way) and just went you tube crazy apparently. I guess the restriction settings are not strict enough on her phone, because she watched all sorts of "Nude scenes", "strippers" "hot girls private show", etc, etc... You get the point. I can't even type them all out, because it gets my blood boiling all over again.

Anyways, I called J in to see it, and Jane got into so much trouble. She has completely lost all electronics and privileges. She can only read and do schoolwork basically all day until she can gain our trust back. What makes me the saddest though, is that she can't "unsee" it. Her little immature 11-year-old mind is now forever filled with this garbage. When we talked about it after we both calmed down, and I was trying to get her to explain to me why she did it, I asked if she enjoyed what she saw. She said "NO." So I responded, "Well, then guess what? You should have hit the "Stop" button, or "Off" button, or anything except to KEEP watching these filthy things."

While she was back at school the next day, I sat down and wrote her a long "Lecture letter" like I used to get from my mom, and she got from her mom.... But I had Jane read it when she got home, and we were able to discuss a lot of things and talk calmly, knowing there would always be love between us, and that I'm not perfect and have made plenty of mistakes too, and that's why I'm here--is to help her through her mistakes. I had already had the sex talk with her about 6 months before, and we have discussed periods, and all that. So I reminded her again, if she's curious about something or has a question, come ask me. I've been very open with her. So, we're getting over that big event and she seems to be doing well with all the punishments.

Okay. Now for my BIGGEST frustration over the whole thing? GET THIS! You will not believe what you are about to read! Jane's mother, her own MOTHER says, "Oh, I can't take her phone away from her--she'll get mad at me." EXACT QUOTE!! Can you believe that? "Oh sure, I'd rather have my 11 year old girl watch porn on her phone, than to have her get upset with me." And you call yourself a mom? Get real. YOU ARE A JOKE! You are doing your daughter absolutely ZERO favors by being scared of her! You will have ZERO respect from her when she is older. Seriously??!! I have to stop. I'll go on and on. But I'm not out of line for that to bother me, am I?