And She Disappoints Again...

As sad as it is to admit, you would think the kids would be used to being hurt by their mother. But every time that wound is reopened, it seems to cut a little deeper and sting a little more. This time ended with Kate angry and crying all the way home from her dance recital. But it began a couple weeks before. First, her mom came to 10 minutes of her opening basketball game, but left to go out with friends. Next, she didn't show up at all to Kate's last Christmas program at school, and just sent a "Tell her I'm sorry" text. Then after 7 years of demanding that dance is "her thing", refused to do Kate's hair or makeup for her recital this year, and didn't even bother to go say hi backstage or even see her after the show. Left early to "go get ready for a party" that didn't start until 5 hours later! Usually the parent that doesn't bring her will get her flowers--but no flowers either. Again, the "tell Kate I'm sorry I had to go" text. She couldn't take any more. She broke down all the way home about how angry she is with her mother and needs to sit her down and talk about time management--actual words out of an 11-year-olds mouth. I just felt helpless and heartbroken. I would fix it if I could--but she needed her mother. Then to top it all off, hubby J gets a text 2 days later from bio mom that she really misses Kate and would like to have some of our winter break days with her. Wow... just classic! Use the time that you're given, lady! She doesn't want to see you. And count on it--there WILL BE over the top making up for her guilty conscience over New Years--but it will be things and not time.

Mother of the year

There is one weekend a year when bio mom and bio dad can be guaranteed to have their kids--Mother's Day and Father's Day. So then how in the world can bio mom possibly "forget" she would have them and schedule an out-of-town trip on Mother's Day? Are you kidding me? We've had a trip planned for months, because we knew we had no obligations that weekend. Then 2 weeks before, stepdad emails us to ask if we want the kids that weekend. I'm like, Seriously?? I would die to actually have them on Mother's Day! It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Too bad our Mexico trip is non-refundable. So they have to stay with friends or stepdad's mom--which they are not thrilled about. All the griping and whining that bio mom does that she misses her kids and doesn't see them enough--and then she plans to be away the one weekend a year that is set aside for moms to be with their kids. Unbelievable. Mother of the year award for her, please.

The Immaturaty Never, Ever Stops!

The last several months, I've been holding back a lot of our drama to see if it would help me be positive. What I've found is I actually feel like exploding if I can't vent about all the craziness that comes with Stepmom territory. So here's some of the juicy details:

~~Our custody agreement states that on the kid's birthdays, whichever parent does NOT have them for the day can have a 2 hour dinner with them. The parents' birthdays are not even addressed. Since the kids were so young, when my husband and bio mom were first divorced, they would have their birthday dinner with the kids if it wasn't already their day. We've kind of gotten away from that lately and just celebrated birthdays the day before or day after when the kids were with us. So that's the background. This year, the MORNING OF her birthday, bio mom decided to ask if the kids can have dinner with her. It was a weekend, and the kids had plans with friends. We already had groceries and meals planned and prepped. J responded by stating that he hasn't had the girls on his birthday for a while and why can't we just celebrate when we have them already because we had made plans for the day. She went all into victim mode. "Don't you dare make me feel bad for asking for MY kids on MY birthday. I never remember telling you that you couldn't have them on yours." Etc, etc, etc. The point is--she's in her 40's. The kids are teen and tween--what difference does it make if you celebrate on Monday instead of Sunday? Your birthday isn't that big of a deal, woman! Get over yourself. But no, she just insists on creating unnecessary drama to throw our whole day off. Of course J as always took the high road and assured her she could have dinner with them. So we cancelled plans with friends, and put meal plans on hold. Then an hour before the designated time, she calls to cancel!!!! Totally just wanted to screw with us. You know, in case things had been too calm and we were beginning to think she was normal. She had to prove she is still a manipulative weasel who will stop at nothing to get her own way. My own feelings aside, what exactly does this behavior teach the kids?

~~If you've read many of my posts before, you know we have been trying to hammer "honesty" into Jane's head for years! We both know the problem is that her mother is a habitual liar. Her mantra was always "Lie and deny". So for Jane to be around that 50% of her life makes it very difficult for her to overcome her sneaky, deceitful habits. She really tries, and I can see the turmoil she goes through at times to make the right decision. Well lately, she's had this new, first-time boy crush. She's been very worried about how her dad would respond to her "liking" a boy, let alone spending time with him. So, we caught her lying about it at least the first 4 times something came up. So as we're working through all this, an extra pressure is that she started only wanting to talk to him or make plans with friends when at her mom's. We do not want her thinking she can have no friends or social life with us. Her dad is very reasonable and supportive, because she's always had such a hard time making friends. We want to encourage it, but it's hard to do that when she is dishonest. So we have been trying to find that perfect balance between openness and support and also demanding honesty. She finally started opening up and talking to us about this boy and J even met him. Then twice in one week, her mom lied to us for her to cover things up she didn't want us to know. She was over at the boy's house with siblings and cousins, but the oldest person there was 17. J was upset that bio mom would allow her over at a boy's house with no parents! Bio mom lied and said the parents just ran out for a few minutes, but Jane had already told us they were gone the whole time. Ok, does she really think she is protecting Jane by doing this? Then later that week, she lied for Jane about missing school one morning. It's so extremely discouraging, that as soon as Jane starts being honest, her mom starts lying for her. It's so destructive for Jane.

~~The other thing really bothering me lately is that I am so terribly TIRED of us being the bad guys. It is truly a beat-down. WE make them go to bed. WE make them shower and stay clean and brush their teeth. WE make them put electronics down for family time. WE check up on what they're watching/playing/texting/reading. WE expect them to use manners and answer when spoken to and do as they are told. It doesn't seem terribly unreasonable, does it? But we get eye-rolls and huffs and puffs and attitude because they don't have to do any of these things with bio mom. I'm so sick of it, that I've started letting things slide. You know what, if they have that much of a problem showering and brushing their teeth--fine. Let them stink and have nasty teeth. Not my problem. I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm such a Nazi for having rules and expecting them to be followed. Sure, let's have a 13 and 10 year old make all their decisions and do whatever they please. Then I realize I'm being just like bio mom--so I go back to being Nazi mom real quick! I'd rather be Nazi mom than to be anything like that piece of work!

Things I Wish I Could Say to You

Sometimes keeping all feelings, opinions, and emotions that have to do with bio mom locked away and unspoken is the hardest part of stepparenting. "Just shut up and smile" is almost never easy. So lately, here are all those things I've been wishing I could say out loud:

~ Teaching your 13 year old child that having a social life is more important than honesty or character is pathetic.

~ Making this 13 yr old girl feel like she is "late to the scene" for not having a boyfriend yet is completely unfathomable to me.

~ Allowing her to have Snapchat with no monitoring so she won't be "left behind" is downright naïve and stupid.

~ Lying to your children to make them think better of you will just come back to bite you in the butt.

~ Making their father feel petty and overprotective for demanding honesty and not tolerating sneakiness is only hurting your children.

~ Teaching them that "brand names" is all that matters will only have them running up your credit cards during high school and college. Hope you like paying all their bills.

~ Saying one thing to us and the opposite to them only encourages dishonesty and makes you look stupid when you tell them not to lie.

~ Enabling her to sneak around to meet a boy without her father finding out is SO FREAKING UNBELIEVABLE!! She's 13!!! Live your own social life and stop trying to live through her! You will only have yourself to blame when you have a 16-year old pregnant dropout who needs you to raise her child! Don't come crying to us! We have done all we could and you are just hell-bent on ruining our children!

But what do I know about parenting? I'm just the stepmom who has tried and tried to clean up all your dirty messes and teach morals and character despite everything they see from you. I just try to lead by example and love, love, love and give attention that they never get from you. My conscious is clean. On the other hand, I don't know how you ever get one second of sleep at night.

That felt good. Wish none of it were true.

From Zero to Drama in under 60

Just when you think that after 5 trying years, you've finally gotten used to each other, and can anticipate and avoid conflict and hurt feelings--BAM--out of nowhere, here comes DRAMA QUEEN (aka bio mom). Was she having a terrible day? Was she already several drinks in? PMS? Who knows...but this one really made me angry and left me completely bewildered. Here's my side of the story.

So, Jane's 13th birthday was last week. The summer calendar had been set up and distributed in May. Bio mom would be with Jane 2 days before and 2 days after her birthday. Jane would be with Dad on her actual birthday. Since we'd have the day together, I set up a surprise full spa day for her and her friends. This was going to be her gift from her dad and I this year. I sent out secret invitations and made reservations and ordered decorations, etc.

Well, a few days before, I hear Jane asking if some friends can come over to her mom's house the day after her birthday to celebrate. I discreetly texted her mom to let her know that some of those friends were coming to a party the day before, and I didn't want the surprise to be spoiled, but some of the friends might be wondering why they're invited to 2 different parties a day apart. Following?

Well that's when (you know what) hit the fan. I received a barrage of texts saying how inconsiderate it was for me to plan something for "her daughter's" special day. How could I not let her know sooner? How could I hurt her feelings and invite Jane's friends when she is the one who wants to invite the friends? Apparently "13" is a very special mother/daughter birthday and I was way over my boundaries to plan Jane a surprise birthday.

Naturally, I have numerous problems with this!!!

1. Jane is in dad's custody on her birthday. That means she is with me all day. What am I supposed to do? Sit around the house and not celebrate with her because I'm not her mother??

2. Jane had said for weeks leading up to it that her mother had nothing planned, and she may just get to go out to eat, but that's all.

3. Why am I inconsiderate for not sharing my plans? Does she ever share her plans with us? NO!

4. If 13 is such a special day for "her daughter", why didn't she make plans? She had 4 days surrounding the birthday to do something--anything.

5. Her son's--Jane's half-brother Jack-birthday is the day after Jane's. He turned 3. For the past 3 years, she has had a party planned for him--in advance--the week of their birthdays. For the past 3 years, Jane has gotten nothing--not even a cake--until a month or so later. And suddenly, this year, I'm supposed to believe she would actually put effort into Jane instead of Jack? Ummmm, no--again, you made your priority VERY clear. So excuse me if I show Jane a little attention and let her enjoy her birthday!

6. All of this is going on as my husband on one side of me is crying himself to sleep from just having said goodbye to his dad for the last time, and Jane is sad, but trying to be excited about her upcoming birthday. I was there trying to hold my family together. I didn't have time for this drama. How can I fall apart when everyone around is already distraught? So I never got to vent or scream or punch anything! I just had to suck it up and stay calm, (which is why I'm writing now that I'm alone!)

In reality, I know that it probably just made her feel like a failure and insecure that I had this awesome day planned for "her daughter" and she did nothing. But that doesn't take away the words she said or how she acted towards me. For the life of me, I cannot wrap my head around being so angry that my daughter is going to have a good birthday. I have tried and tried this week, but cannot understand what ticked her off. How selfish do you have to be that your only concern is whether it makes you look bad or not, or afraid that Jane may actually enjoy time with her stepmom? Shouldn't a mother be happy for her daughter? Shouldn't a mother be glad that someone is there to pick up her slack? I just don't get it.

Overheard...

Rushing through the grocery store, a very loud phone conversation caught my attention. This lady did not care WHO heard her! It reminded me that we are not alone, and there's always a stepparent out there who has it worse than you. This is the part I heard:

"That is not what she told us."

"I'm telling you all this for YOUR daughter's good. I don't care what she told you. I'll give you the address and you can go see for yourself."

"Babe, she doesn't even have a bed to sleep in at that house. I mean, where does she sleep? In the living room where everyone is walking through and doing who knows what? This is YOUR daughter, and she doesn't even have a bed! You need to get on board and feel what I'm feeling for her."

I know this is just one side of one side of this family's story, but it makes me sad for all the kids who are neglected because parents are too selfish to provide for them. I'm thankful to have a husband who puts his family's needs and wants way before his own, and I'm thankful the situation at their mother's isn't this bad. They may be dirty and messy, but at least they have a bed.

Letting out Steam

Time to Vent! I apologize in advance if you think this blog is too negative or self-centered. But this is MY place to vent and get things off my chest so that it doesn't come between my husband or kids and I later.

So, let's go there and talk about completely incompetent bio-mom.

Number 1: Jane's pills. Jane has 2 monthly prescriptions for pills she takes every day, and has had to take a pill every day for 7 years, so this is nothing new. For the past 2 years, I have been responsible (to help out my husband) for calling in the scripts, going to physically pick up the scripts, dropping the scripts at the pharmacy, going back to pick up meds when ready, distributing half to bio mom. Yes, it's quite an ordeal, and saves my husband a lot of time. Well, bio mom's insurance changed and the prescribing doctor is no longer in network. Her words: "I'll take care of it." (Husband and I roll our eyes at each other.) Go figure, 30 days later Jane has no medicine and no new doctor. Bio mom: "I'll get it tomorrow." Tomorrow, bio mom to me: "I'm so busy, can you take care of Jane's pills?" My thinking: Really!! Wow, now that she's been without meds for several days and you've done nothing about it, you decide to ask me for help? You are completely laughable. I thought you "had it under control"? Ha. What a joke. I drive over to pick up her insurance cards, and kids say they've all been laying around watching TV for the last 3 hours! O.M.G!!! You were too freakin busy doing what? Sitting on your fat butt?? Unbelievable.

Guess what? It's now 30 days later again, and guess who still has no pills and no new doctor? Yeah. Guess "too-involved" little ol stepmom is going to have to handle this one too. What a surprise.

Number 2: Immunizations. So, an entire month before school started, I (yes, me-stepmom) had to take care of filling out registration forms for school, because--yeah, someone else had promised to do it and didn't. I immediately inform my husband and bio mom that Jane is going to need three shots before starting 7th grade. Bio mom: "I'll take care of it." Great. (A very sarcastic "great"). She proceeds to tell us the day before school that she checked with Jane's pediatrician and all her shots are up to date and she'll just turn in a shot record at school. Um, nooo--it doesn't work that way. Their school requires three specific shots the summer before 7th grade. It's impossible that she has gotten them already. My husband says, "Just let her do her thing and find out she's wrong later." So today we get the email from school: "Jane cannot come back on premises until she is compliant with immunization regulations." I did a HUGE "I told you so" dance in my head! Duh! What is she thinking anyway? But no one listens to stepmom. No, just slap my hand and tell me I'm too involved, and you can handle this because you're "the mom." Okay, sure, just like you handle everything else..... YOU DON'T!

So guess who has to schedule an emergency appointment for shots and rush the doctor note over to school so Jane doesn't miss many classes? Yep, you guessed it: stepmom. Apparently bio moms only want to take care of fun stuff like hair cuts and make up and fancy, cute clothes.