Sick and tired...

I never realized that marrying a divorced man meant tying on a 5'11" 160 pound weight around my neck for the next 12 years of my life. Every single little thing we want to do has to go through her first. It almost feels like being a child and needing permission from a parent for everything I do. You want examples? Good--I could go on for days...

~We need passports renewed for our summer trip. Oh wait, she has to fill out a form to give us permission. Oh, her dumb butt filled it out wrong and has to redo it? Yeah, so now if she doesn't fix it in time, we lose our money and summer trip.

~We want to leave town an hour early for Spring Break? Oh right, we have to let her know anytime we pull the kids out of school (even if all they are missing is PE and she never returns the favor of letting us know).

~We want to sign Kate up for club sports? Better make sure her mother is okay with that.

~It's our turn to pick our summer dates first, and we gave them to her 2 months early. But wait, she has a problem with the dates we picked and wants us to change them to be more convenient for her.

~We want to take the kids to see a movie, but they feel awkward because their mother told them she wanted to take them.

~We have annual physical and dental appointments set up for them a year in advance, only to find out the day before their mother called and canceled without letting us know. Thanks.

~Hubby wants to let Jane do an amusement ride she's begging to do that requires a waiver, but wait--he has to call her mother first and make sure she's okay with it.

~We want to get tickets to a certain play or concert coming to town? Oh, better not do that before we check if she's already planning to take them.

~God forbid I want to get them a haircut before a trip even if it's really necessary because the one time I did, caused THE WORLD'S BIGGEST FIREWORKS SHOW. Hair and beauty is HER thing, and I am not to ever cross that line.

~We want some standards of dress now that Jane isn't wearing uniforms to school, and the one time I questioned her outfit, she replies "Well my mom said I could wear this." Ummmmm, Did I ask you what your mom said? No.

~We wanted to go out to eat at a certain restaurant, only to be greeted with "We just went there with mom last night". Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize even my freaking eating choices were going to be dictated by that woman.

I'm sure you're sick of hearing all these by now.... but yeah, that's my life, and I could go on and on. Being run by a woman who used to share a bed with my husband. Fantastic. To all you stepmoms out there who keep on keeping on through all this mess and manage to stay happy and fulfilled, I applaud you. Seriously.

I really need to vent.

Do you ever get to a point where you sit back and look at your life and wonder, "How in the world did I, ME, get to a place in my life where THIS is the stuff that is consuming my energy and stressing me out?" I mean, if you told me 10 years ago that I would be hopping mad over how my husband's ex-wife treats our kids, I would probably run the other way as fast as I could! But this is where I am in life, and yes, I am hopping mad! Three things:

1. Okay, remember last year, how she pitched a HUGE ROYAL fit about me planning a spa day for Jane's 13th birthday, and how dare I overstep such a sacred mommy-daughter thing, etc? Well, fast-forward to this year. Jane is scheduled to be in her care on her 14th birthday. We did our celebration early when she was with us--but only cake and presents--nothing extravagant, so that she can do all the over-the-top special little mommy-daughter stuff she pleases. Imagine my surprise then (not really!) when I find out she left Jane FOR 3 STRAIGHT DAYS, BIRTHDAY INCLUDED with a new, not-so-close friend so bio mom could leave town, and come back to town her birthday night, but instead of seeing her daughter, go to a concert instead!! And I was out of line for actually spending her birthday WITH her? MIND-BLOWN! Need I say more?

2. The second thing getting my blood boiling is how she handled Kate's dance lessons for this year. There was a registration day every week starting back in June at the dance school Kate has attended since the age of 3. Guess who never went to one of them? Yeah. So school starts and Kate still can't tell me what day her dance lessons are this year, so I pick up the phone and ask. Here's what I get: "Well, I didn't register her because I wanted to look at a dance school that's closer to our new house. Well, also I didn't think she wanted to take dance any more. Well, I just haven't had time. And you know I had to wait to make sure it didn't interfere with volleyball, and ...... " Yeah, I've heard enough. Kate beside me started crying her eyes out. She couldn't believe she wasn't even signed up, and definitely would not want to change schools. So I offer to see if there are any openings on my days and I would just take her. Suddenly, OMG, NO WAY! She found an immediate opening on her day for the exact class Kate wanted. Just too flipping lazy to ever take initiative on these things.

3. Number three-- a really good one. She called my husband at work this week to say that I have been making Jane feel bad every time I make a comment about how far our drive to school is, and I really need to stop saying anything about it. WHAT?? I HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS WITH THIS! First of all lady, you move an hour away from us last minute, and tell me not to say a word about it? Seriously, are you the one sitting in a car for 4 hours a day? Are you the one who has to make a 2 hour round trip just to see your kid sit on the bench at her volleyball game? Are you the one who is being forced to move into an area you don't even like? NO. Second, don't you dare EVER call MY husband to complain about me. If you have a problem with me, call me! You two are not on a team against me, EVER! And you never will be! Third, don't make this about Jane feeling bad. No. Jane doesn't feel bad--it's you who is just sick of feeling guilty for what you did to us. Oh, the nerve of some people! She is so consumed with herself, she can't see past her own nose!

If you're still reading, I apologize for all that negative energy. Just had to get it off my chest without annoying the hubby.

What I've learned...

I learned something this week--hopefully for the last time!

DON'T EVER EMAIL THE EX!

No matter what.

Even if you feel you need to be heard.

Even if you are just defending your husband.

No matter what she did.

No matter how bad it is.

No matter if you feel she needs to understand your hurt.

No matter if it kills you to keep quiet.

JUST DON'T EVER, EVER EMAIL HER TO SAY YOU'RE UPSET, TO GIVE YOUR OPINION, TO DISCUSS SOMETHING THAT BOTHERED YOU.

Just stop opening your mouth. Just drive the kids around and keep the house clean and food in their bellies. That's it.

It will just get turned around and explode in your face EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

You can't ever win with a manipulative narcissist.

DON'T DO IT.

"It Can't Hurt to Ask"...

Have you ever heard the phrase "It can't hurt to ask"? And it's typically followed up by "The worst that can happen is you get told no." Sound familiar? Well, I'm not so sure I agree anymore. We asked and it did hurt. Here's the situation:

By some strange fluke calendar situation, bio mom was going to end up with 4 weekends in a row because April is her 5th weekend this year, and Mother's Day lands on the 1st weekend of May (usually ours) instead of the 2nd (hers anyway.) So, we realized this and J knew there was no way he was okay with her having 4 in a row! She whines and complains anytime they are with us just 2 in a row! So he very courteously explained to her what we discovered and asked if she would be gracious enough to let him have the second weekend in May. After ignoring his 3 texts for 9 days (not surprising), she finally responded with, "Well what weekend are you going to give me for that?" Seriously!!?? We don't have ANY weekends--that was the whole point! There is nothing we have to give. I was so hurt that she can never, ever seem to put herself in J's shoes. EVER. Do you think for one second she would be fine with us having 4 weekends in a row and not ask for some time? PLEASE!! We've seen it happen way too much. She begged and cried and practically forced us to come home early from a trip one Thanksgiving just because it had been "too long" since she saw them and "would never do that to us." YEAH RIGHT! You're doing it now! Just last month she was playing the "Don't make me feel bad for asking to see my children" card, and now J asks for something WAY more reasonable, and she can't understand? I'm so sick of the games and her just using her children to get what she wants.

Forget we even asked. Forget their DAD would love to see his own kids. Forget that they will resent you for keeping them from him one day. Forget that when you have them, you're not even with them because your social calendar is always too full. Forget that when they learn your awful behavior, you're always asking us to help fix it. Forget it all. I'm so done being hurt by these things over and over. I need to be less involved with all the details so I don't get so worked up. J is always choosing the high road and being the bigger person. I just don't know how he keeps on and keeps on. I need to learn his secret. I would never be able to hold back or bite my tongue after 8 years of this like he does.

So maybe it's true that it doesn't hurt to ask....if you're dealing with a reasonable, non-manipulative, non-psycho, non-narcissistic normal, caring human being who doesn't have their entitled-princess-syndrome blinders to the world on. Then maybe it wouldn't hurt.