Lecture letter #2

Just finished writing Jane's second lecture letter. I'm so disappointed, and angry, and frustrated all at once. We caught her being very deceitful and dishonest about something which caused her mom and us to waste over 1,000 dollars. She is in such hot water. I just get so tired of ALWAYS punishing! It's never-ending. As soon as one punishment is done, she does something so royally stupid and senseless to get another one. She hurt all of us so badly this time. Her mom and I were crying on the phone together--that's how bad it was. Ugh. Just want to give up.

Dealing with my choices

I chose to marry a man with kids. I chose to get very involved in their lives and love them like my own. Eventually, I chose to quit my job and work part-time from home so I could be even MORE involved and not leave their training up to a nanny. Some might call these choices reckless and dumb--trading a career for a non-thanks job of being with kids that aren't even my own. But they were my choices, and I have never regretted them. Lately, the work I do from home has been super slow, and I've been on the look-out for the perfect part-time 9-2 job, so I can still do everything I do and make a little cash on the side. Well, I finally found some promising-looking job ads yesterday, and set up interviews.

Then I was hit with a ton of bricks in the middle of the night, and sat straight up in bed with one thought: SUMMER.

I can't go back to work. Full time camps for the girls all summer would cost more than I would make working 25 or so hours a week. We don't have family in town to stay with them. So this morning I had to cancel the interviews. I was feeling a bit depressed to know that even if I wanted to go back to work, I can't. I've locked myself down at this point. I started thinking of all the things I would have to take time off for already if I did get a job--their dentist appointments, early release days, awards programs, art shows, taking them to their grandparents, dance recitals, voice recitals.... the list goes on. Reality has hit. I made my choice, and I can't go back. I'm stuck until these kids are mature enough to stay at home for a few hours on their own. I'm not complaining. There are tons of women out there who would kill to be able to stay home all day. I know that. It's just that the permanency of those choices I made a few years ago is just sinking in for me now. I don't stay home for me. I like working. I stay home for them. I hope one day when they make tough choices to put their kids first, they will remember some of the things that we did to put them first.

Missing my girlies

Spring Break time--woo-hoo! Well, except for one little thing...I don't have my kids with me. It seems strange to be out and about in the stores seeing all the moms with their kids, and not having mine. I feel somehow inferior or "bad mom" to be out by myself when all the other ladies are spending time with little ones this week. I'm driving the "mom car" around and shopping in the kids' departments, but not holding on to any little hands while crossing through the parking lots. It makes me miss them.

I've kept myself really busy so far--cleaning out all the closets, putting winter clothes away, making lists of what we need for summer, taking outgrown clothes to resale shops, and planning summer camps and trips with my hubby. There's still five days left to go before they are back with us though. That seems like forever! Sometimes after they've been gone for long periods of time like this, Kate will say "Oh yeah, this is what dad's house looks like!" It kinda hurts to hear that. Jane promises to call and text, but of course, out of sight, out of mind... and she forgets and makes up excuses later. It's okay--I don't really blame an 11 year old for not texting her parents all the time, but I hope they miss us at least a little.

We just made lots of progress with Jane last week in regard to her behavior. Over the weekend, she completed three workbooks that I found at B&N. One was designed for kids about her age in controlling ADHD, and it had a lot of helpful quizzes and sections for her to complete. The second book was about getting along with others which had lots of good tips for sibling rivalry and controlling emotions. The third book was by American Girl about girls understanding their family, and it discussed stepparents, conflict resolution, and ways to learn to accept your family and get along. I feel like it was perfect timing for these books, and the messages really sank in. I just pray all that progress isn't lost and/or forgotten while she's at her mother's all this time.

I think I'll do yard work the next few days... that should really keep me busy! Happy Spring everyone!