Dealing with my choices

I chose to marry a man with kids. I chose to get very involved in their lives and love them like my own. Eventually, I chose to quit my job and work part-time from home so I could be even MORE involved and not leave their training up to a nanny. Some might call these choices reckless and dumb--trading a career for a non-thanks job of being with kids that aren't even my own. But they were my choices, and I have never regretted them. Lately, the work I do from home has been super slow, and I've been on the look-out for the perfect part-time 9-2 job, so I can still do everything I do and make a little cash on the side. Well, I finally found some promising-looking job ads yesterday, and set up interviews.

Then I was hit with a ton of bricks in the middle of the night, and sat straight up in bed with one thought: SUMMER.

I can't go back to work. Full time camps for the girls all summer would cost more than I would make working 25 or so hours a week. We don't have family in town to stay with them. So this morning I had to cancel the interviews. I was feeling a bit depressed to know that even if I wanted to go back to work, I can't. I've locked myself down at this point. I started thinking of all the things I would have to take time off for already if I did get a job--their dentist appointments, early release days, awards programs, art shows, taking them to their grandparents, dance recitals, voice recitals.... the list goes on. Reality has hit. I made my choice, and I can't go back. I'm stuck until these kids are mature enough to stay at home for a few hours on their own. I'm not complaining. There are tons of women out there who would kill to be able to stay home all day. I know that. It's just that the permanency of those choices I made a few years ago is just sinking in for me now. I don't stay home for me. I like working. I stay home for them. I hope one day when they make tough choices to put their kids first, they will remember some of the things that we did to put them first.