Wednesday, March 8, 2017
Sick and tired...
I never realized that marrying a divorced man meant tying on a 5'11" 160 pound weight around my neck for the next 12 years of my life. Every single little thing we want to do has to go through her first. It almost feels like being a child and needing permission from a parent for everything I do. You want examples? Good--I could go on for days...
~We need passports renewed for our summer trip. Oh wait, she has to fill out a form to give us permission. Oh, her dumb butt filled it out wrong and has to redo it? Yeah, so now if she doesn't fix it in time, we lose our money and summer trip.
~We want to leave town an hour early for Spring Break? Oh right, we have to let her know anytime we pull the kids out of school (even if all they are missing is PE and she never returns the favor of letting us know).
~We want to sign Kate up for club sports? Better make sure her mother is okay with that.
~It's our turn to pick our summer dates first, and we gave them to her 2 months early. But wait, she has a problem with the dates we picked and wants us to change them to be more convenient for her.
~We want to take the kids to see a movie, but they feel awkward because their mother told them she wanted to take them.
~We have annual physical and dental appointments set up for them a year in advance, only to find out the day before their mother called and canceled without letting us know. Thanks.
~Hubby wants to let Jane do an amusement ride she's begging to do that requires a waiver, but wait--he has to call her mother first and make sure she's okay with it.
~We want to get tickets to a certain play or concert coming to town? Oh, better not do that before we check if she's already planning to take them.
~God forbid I want to get them a haircut before a trip even if it's really necessary because the one time I did, caused THE WORLD'S BIGGEST FIREWORKS SHOW. Hair and beauty is HER thing, and I am not to ever cross that line.
~We want some standards of dress now that Jane isn't wearing uniforms to school, and the one time I questioned her outfit, she replies "Well my mom said I could wear this." Ummmmm, Did I ask you what your mom said? No.
~We wanted to go out to eat at a certain restaurant, only to be greeted with "We just went there with mom last night". Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize even my freaking eating choices were going to be dictated by that woman.
I'm sure you're sick of hearing all these by now.... but yeah, that's my life, and I could go on and on. Being run by a woman who used to share a bed with my husband. Fantastic. To all you stepmoms out there who keep on keeping on through all this mess and manage to stay happy and fulfilled, I applaud you. Seriously.
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I completely understand what you are saying. All I can offer is that it will get better. One day, hopefully soon, you won't care as much or at all about bm. Either the kids must grow up and be more self sufficient, or there will be a light bulb moment where you just stop caring. I can tell you that it feels fantastic. Here's hoping it's sooner rather than later.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your words. Maybe I'm deceiving myself, but I feel like it's not so much that I care about her. It's more of frustration that she has to be so super involved in our family life just to get any little thing done. It shouldn't bother me, but it gets really old really fast. Even the older they get (14 and 11 now), there seems to still be so many reasons she must be consulted for one reason or another. I hope you're right that it gets better soon!
DeleteI have read the replies and I think this one suits what I'm about to say. I feel for you....DEEPLY! I was divorced for 12 years before I remarried to a man with a grown daughter. Both of our daughters were grown at the time (mine just graduated high school - and began a life of her own [LONGER STORY-ANOTHER TIME]....but the old saying goes "if i knew then what I know now"...this marriage would have never happened. it's been a constant struggle over the past 8 years, "Jane" has had an absent mother for most of her life; however, her grandmother stepped in when she was 4. Fast forward....she manipulates her grandmother and her dad, she is now 30 and pays no bills, drives an "off the showroom floor" vehicle, was married for 1 year, enough to have a kid and does NOT keep him on the weekends. Honestly, I have tried being a mom to her but I think she knows I see through her manipulations. Believe me, I'm not trying to lessen any hope you have but take a good look at what's going on. I am living proof at 30, the "kid" still rules the roost :(
DeleteI have read through the replies and found this was not only the newest but also closest to what I'm going through or have gone through. I give you credit for trying to make a better home for those kids but take a look around and pay close attention. Weigh the pros and cons. I go back to that old saying "if I knew then what I know now" my marriage would have never happened. My stepdaughter is now a divorced 30 year old single mom (the kid's dad is a very much a part of his life) and is co-dependent on her dad and grandmother. She pays no bills in her house (which they bought), drives a brand new SUV and is an A+ manipulator. Background - her biological mother was not part of her life since she was 4 so the grandmother stepped in. I thought it was a good "father/daughter" relationship but sometimes I think it's almost incestual to the fact he used to text her every night "good night baby, i love you"...well, I thought that was a little strange, this really is a long drawn out story over an 8 year period so my point is, I honestly tried to be a "mother" to this girl but I don't know what it is. we both have grown daughters and they are nothing alike...sorry, this is more of a venting session for me rather than giving some uplifting advice.....
DeleteWell the whole purpose of this blog is venting, so you're right on point, @notagoodstepmom! Welcome, and thanks for reading and sharing. Your stories concern me, and I'd love to hear more. My email is krb621@gmail.com
DeleteI completely, 100% relate to your frustration and irritation. When my fiance took his youngest child for her first haircut (after the egg donor had, oh, nearly 2 years to do it herself), the egg donor exploded. Ended up filing to drop off/pick up the kids at the police station, it was so bad. Over a HAIRCUT. She shares the attitude that everything has to be run by her first, even when it's truly none of her damn business.
ReplyDeleteWow!! That's so terrible. I just don't understand why these women can't be happy that their child is receiving love. It's sad really.
DeleteI have googled and googled and ran across your blog. I feel so alone through this process. I have friends and family who were fortunate enough that they don't have my type of issues. I am so in love with my husband. He is the man of my dreams and I appreciate everything he has done for our family. However, due this his ex wife I sometime feel like cutting my loss and giving up. We have his children every other weekend and every other major holiday, school holiday and 6 weeks in the summer. I am not allowed to attend any of their children's extracurricular activities, I am not allowed to do their daughters hair, I am not allowed to expect the children to behave. The children are not allowed to give me hugs. She does not send them with clothes, so I purchased them with things that they need for our home. Their mother said apparently we had too much money if we were splurging, so she took my husband back to court for an increase in child support. She calls, text, and shows up at our house yelling and screaming and demanding things from my husband. This past Christmas we sent the children home with a few of their gifts and she threw them out of her window and r an over them. She has attacked me and we've had to call the police. We've since gotten restraining orders and have to pay guardians to pick up the children. It is just so overwhelming. I completely throw my hands up.
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing! This has got to be one of the worst cases I've heard of. I'm so sorry for what you're enduring. I've honestly entertained the "cut and run" idea myself, but I stay because I love this man and I know his daughters need a good example to love them too. Hope your situation improves! Feel free to write anytime.
DeleteOh wow, I feel your pain. My step daughter lives with us, has for 2yrs now... and we can't get her a haircut without being scolded, apparently we're supposed to ask before we get her a trim... even though I am the one that has to brush it every morning and put up with the fits. Of course this is not the only thing, just happens to be the most recent and most ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteI totally sympathize!
DeleteI stumbled on this blog, and this post resonated with me. I'm a stepmom to two, and bio mom to 1. I feel like I actually knew what I was taking on when I decided to marry my husband and become a stepmom, but like you, I had no idea that meant I was taking on his ex-wife for all eternity as well. I tried to have a good working relationship with her initially, but she lied to me so many times, and then took me and my husband to court for extra child support, and tried to get more custody time with them to get more money, (despite recently being arrested with a DUI and possession of narcotics with the intent to sell, the judge decided bio mom deserves a second chance and gave her BACK 50% custody) and since then the relationship has completely fallen apart. I have no respect for this woman and unfortunately she knows it. The problem is, her and I both love our kids. These kids happen to have her DNA, but I am helping to raise them, and I adore them. However in today's society, there is so much attention and support for the LGBT community, but it seems like there is no support for the evil stepmom. What are stepmoms who actually love their step kids supposed to do? Are we always just supposed to slink in the background, and never really make an appearance? Are we not supposed to show that we Love our step kids? Are we supposed to just be the really fun aunt who happens to live with their dad? There really is no guidance or hard set rules for us. We don't get to rant and rave that school personnel are acting bigoted towards us or yell at other moms for staring at us and talking about us behind their back's. It angers me that pretty much any other kind of family gets given a free pass, but the step mom is always wrong. When I went to register my stepson at school, I heard the teachers talking about me behind my back, they even said, "that's the stepmom." I couldn't help myself and went over to them to find out what was being said. Two hours later, I received an apology after they had dug up the court papers ( I told them that before they started judging me they needed to read the court documents that were provided to the school, And not go off of the gossip that they had obtained from bio mom) and saw that I am not the evil person that the biological mother called and told them about. But the damage was done. I was hurt. I'm not a bad person, I'm a good person, but that doesn't seem to jive with being a stepmom in today's society. Some days, I seriously wish I was just gay, because it seems like society is a lot more accepting of that, than they are of the stepmom. Do you think being a stepmom is ever going to be "cool"? Do you think we're ever going to get our moment to shine? Do you think people will ever actually stop judging us and realize that we really are superheroes?
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for expressing your thoughts hear! I understand so well how you are feeling! I'm sorry that happened to you at school--it sadly happens way to often with stepmoms. Even stepdads I feel are not treated nearly as badly as we are. Your questions at the end are on point. I wish the answers could be "yes", but I'm not confident I'll ever live to see that. It's up to us to make a difference--to speak up and show that we are good people!
Delete*here, not hear*
DeleteI have been a stepmother for the past 13 years to 3 kids. When I met my husband, he was divorced & raising the kids & also have full custody. I didn't have any kids of my own at the time, but has since given him 5 babies & 1 more on the way. I could write a book on step parenting. I'm far from perfect but could give just a little advice to the "sick & tired" stepmother. I understand that your husband had a previous life before you, but please do not be a doormat. As long as you say nothing and let that ex wife run the show, you will be miserable and never happy. She is the past, but you are the present and the future. Don't inconvenience yourself or your marriage and constantly change things around for her "convenience!" I stand my ground & remain very firm when dealing with my husband's ex and the kids. I'm not nasty, but They all know that I don't take any crap!
ReplyDeleteWow! You definitely have your hands full! Thank you so much for your experienced advice! I will definitely take it to heart.
DeleteI appreciate reading this so much!! I am dealing with a less than cooperative bio mom who does the same things and some days I feel like I'm just going to lose my nerve!! Why can't these women see that working together would make everyone's life SO much easier!?!?!?!
ReplyDeleteI agree! Why can't they see how simple it really could be? We are all just here trying to love these children. Thanks for reading!
DeleteOmg thank you for that! When you said it was like weighing a tie you took the words from my mouth. I feel like the bitterness rips through my house everyday. She plays sweet and innocent, runs our name threw the mud but in reality she a manipulative bitch. Now that my step daughter is older she’s picked up the trait. She breaks court order visitation every chance she gets and promises “make up” days. My husband won’t say anything in fear of her hating him and the mother taking him to court. Every time I say anything my voice is never heard...ever! Not by the Mom, kid or my husband. She left my husband a vm telling him she didn’t want to come here anymore because she felt like she didn’t fit in and she’s rather stay with her grandma that night (it was our night) so I said well if you don’t like being with us then I guess you don’t want to go to Disney world anymore? Her mother told me she didn’t mean it and if we didn’t take her we’d just “fuel her fire”. Since we came back she’s been here once. I told my husband she just sees us as money and trips. He doesn’t see it though. I don’t think it’s fair that he has to buy her love. She sends him pictures of shoes, clothes, camping crap etc that she wants. Ugh!
ReplyDeleteI totally feel you on the manipulation! My oldest stepdaughter is also just like her mother in that regard! Charms daddy and uses him to get what she wants, then is totally unappreciative and rude. I wish I could give you some perfect advice, but I'm still working through it myself! Good luck!
DeleteDitto!! Up we cant do a thing with out letting HER KNOW! But does she let us know SHE is taking him to another state for the weekend? NOPE
ReplyDeleteAMEN!!!
ReplyDeletetook the words out of my finger tips :)
ReplyDeleteI just came across this, I am late to be commenting but felt like I needed to. I have been in a relationship with my partner for 4 years and he has a 7 year old son. At first, I was not allowed to even see his son (he had been separated from the child's mother for a long time at that point) but she would have a lot of different men come to her home and have fleeting relationships with them. She would call me names, make bizarre and crude assumptions about me and (I later found out) send me abusive messages on Facebook (I didn't get them, probably due to privacy settings) I had never met her, nor had I broken up her relationship, she just did all of this without prompt. Eventually I was able to have some contact with my step son but we were not allowed to have him overnight and she was still very aggressive, unhelpful and spiteful. A year into my relationship, my partner admitted that he slept with her behind my back a few months after we got together. I struggled so badly with this but decided to stay together. But god, it made me resent her.
ReplyDeleteAfter being together for almost 2 years, she had to contact me out of the blue as she was unable to get in contact with my partner, I was very civil and I thought, what the hell, i'm going to say something. So I just told her that I cared for her son very much and would look after him like my own etc. She had a revelation, she apologised and said she had completely misjudged me (yeah, based on nothing!) and I said would she like to meet me for a coffee so she could be sure I was of sound mind enough to take care of her kid. We did that and it ended with her telling me that I was amazing and he was lucky to have me in his life. I thought things would be great.
Unfortunately things weren't always as peachy. She changes her mind in an instant. We asked to take my stepson home to visit my family who are a few hours away and were told "if you want to play happy families, have your own child" that was a year or so ago. I asked again for permission to do the same this week and she said "wow you don't need to as permission, of course" She works shifts and we have him when she is working but she changes her shifts all the tie but doesn't tell us, so it means the day before she'll reveal a change of plan and we just have to drop any plans. We ask permission for any plans we make ourselves and can't go on holiday without having to ask her. But 9 times out of ten she "forgets" our plans and arranges something herself. It depresses me. she has another baby with another man who won't take help or offer any child care, she often asks my partner to have her baby over night, which he's done once but won't do again.
If we book any time away she complains that we don't take my step son too, when we ask about taking him somewhere she gets shitty about it. She complains that the school trousers we bought him are "too cheap", she complained that we took him for a hair cut when he turned up with long, greasy hair that he didn't like and was being picked on for. She told him if he gets his hair cut again then she will take away his shoes. she poisons his view of other people and he repeats her words like a parrot. She used to deny my partner any access to his son just because she got in a mood, but now as she works shifts, she needs us to cover all of them, but she refuses to accept that we bend over backwards to accommodate her job. We can't plan anything in our life in advance because we just wait for her shifts to be sent to us (which she will sometimes only do the day before) and she goes ballistic if we request a day for something we need to do. It's exhausting. she just expects everyone to do whatever she wants.
I\m sorry for the long rant, this is the first place I've found where I feel like someone else will understand what's going on.
Im late to this thread but ive got to say, i feel this on such a deep level. My fionce and i have been together for a little over a year and i love him and his 3 year old to the ends of the earth but her mother...this woman will flip about anything. I once forgot to take the french braid out of her hair and i thought the end of the world was near. She has this "rule" that i am never to be in the same room as the baby, im never to move in with him,and she has no care at all that she can not legally enforce either. She has broken my car window when she saw my car in his driveway (durring the week when we only have the baby Thursday through Saturdays) and even broke into our house and covered our bed in glass from a broken collage picture frame and covered my entire kitchen in baking powder and flour all because we had taken the baby to a childrens event in town that she had wanted to take her to, but it just so happened that it fell on daddys time. Shes a nutcase. I am actually afraid of her and we have never even been face to face. We ALWAYS are forced to bend to her will and sacrifice to make things happen her way and on her time because we just want to avaid the fighting for the babys sake. The sadest part to me is the baby is the one who is really going to be hindered by her behavior and if she was more mature i would be more than willing to meet her and have a conversation. Im not the evil monster coming in to steal her daughter and ruin her life. A cordial relationship and functional co parenti g is all he and i want from her so we just have to hang in there and hope that it will come in time.
ReplyDeleteThis is so sad! Thanks for sharing. I really hope your situation has gotten better! Good luck!
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