~Welcome to my personal story as a first time wife and stepmom. I use this space to share real life happenings in a blended family, funny stories, my personal frustrations, failures, and occasional victories as I journey through this life with two beautiful and challenging stepdaughters. Thanks for reading, and I hope you find something to help you have a better day!~

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Sick and tired...

I never realized that marrying a divorced man meant tying on a 5'11" 160 pound weight around my neck for the next 12 years of my life. Every single little thing we want to do has to go through her first. It almost feels like being a child and needing permission from a parent for everything I do. You want examples? Good--I could go on for days...

~We need passports renewed for our summer trip. Oh wait, she has to fill out a form to give us permission. Oh, her dumb butt filled it out wrong and has to redo it? Yeah, so now if she doesn't fix it in time, we lose our money and summer trip.

~We want to leave town an hour early for Spring Break? Oh right, we have to let her know anytime we pull the kids out of school (even if all they are missing is PE and she never returns the favor of letting us know).

~We want to sign Kate up for club sports? Better make sure her mother is okay with that.

~It's our turn to pick our summer dates first, and we gave them to her 2 months early. But wait, she has a problem with the dates we picked and wants us to change them to be more convenient for her.

~We want to take the kids to see a movie, but they feel awkward because their mother told them she wanted to take them.

~We have annual physical and dental appointments set up for them a year in advance, only to find out the day before their mother called and canceled without letting us know. Thanks.

~Hubby wants to let Jane do an amusement ride she's begging to do that requires a waiver, but wait--he has to call her mother first and make sure she's okay with it.

~We want to get tickets to a certain play or concert coming to town? Oh, better not do that before we check if she's already planning to take them.

~God forbid I want to get them a haircut before a trip even if it's really necessary because the one time I did, caused THE WORLD'S BIGGEST FIREWORKS SHOW. Hair and beauty is HER thing, and I am not to ever cross that line.

~We want some standards of dress now that Jane isn't wearing uniforms to school, and the one time I questioned her outfit, she replies "Well my mom said I could wear this." Ummmmm, Did I ask you what your mom said? No.

~We wanted to go out to eat at a certain restaurant, only to be greeted with "We just went there with mom last night". Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize even my freaking eating choices were going to be dictated by that woman.

I'm sure you're sick of hearing all these by now.... but yeah, that's my life, and I could go on and on. Being run by a woman who used to share a bed with my husband. Fantastic. To all you stepmoms out there who keep on keeping on through all this mess and manage to stay happy and fulfilled, I applaud you. Seriously.

18 comments:

  1. I completely understand what you are saying. All I can offer is that it will get better. One day, hopefully soon, you won't care as much or at all about bm. Either the kids must grow up and be more self sufficient, or there will be a light bulb moment where you just stop caring. I can tell you that it feels fantastic. Here's hoping it's sooner rather than later.

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    1. Thank you so much for your words. Maybe I'm deceiving myself, but I feel like it's not so much that I care about her. It's more of frustration that she has to be so super involved in our family life just to get any little thing done. It shouldn't bother me, but it gets really old really fast. Even the older they get (14 and 11 now), there seems to still be so many reasons she must be consulted for one reason or another. I hope you're right that it gets better soon!

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    2. I have read the replies and I think this one suits what I'm about to say. I feel for you....DEEPLY! I was divorced for 12 years before I remarried to a man with a grown daughter. Both of our daughters were grown at the time (mine just graduated high school - and began a life of her own [LONGER STORY-ANOTHER TIME]....but the old saying goes "if i knew then what I know now"...this marriage would have never happened. it's been a constant struggle over the past 8 years, "Jane" has had an absent mother for most of her life; however, her grandmother stepped in when she was 4. Fast forward....she manipulates her grandmother and her dad, she is now 30 and pays no bills, drives an "off the showroom floor" vehicle, was married for 1 year, enough to have a kid and does NOT keep him on the weekends. Honestly, I have tried being a mom to her but I think she knows I see through her manipulations. Believe me, I'm not trying to lessen any hope you have but take a good look at what's going on. I am living proof at 30, the "kid" still rules the roost :(

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    3. I have read through the replies and found this was not only the newest but also closest to what I'm going through or have gone through. I give you credit for trying to make a better home for those kids but take a look around and pay close attention. Weigh the pros and cons. I go back to that old saying "if I knew then what I know now" my marriage would have never happened. My stepdaughter is now a divorced 30 year old single mom (the kid's dad is a very much a part of his life) and is co-dependent on her dad and grandmother. She pays no bills in her house (which they bought), drives a brand new SUV and is an A+ manipulator. Background - her biological mother was not part of her life since she was 4 so the grandmother stepped in. I thought it was a good "father/daughter" relationship but sometimes I think it's almost incestual to the fact he used to text her every night "good night baby, i love you"...well, I thought that was a little strange, this really is a long drawn out story over an 8 year period so my point is, I honestly tried to be a "mother" to this girl but I don't know what it is. we both have grown daughters and they are nothing alike...sorry, this is more of a venting session for me rather than giving some uplifting advice.....

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    4. Well the whole purpose of this blog is venting, so you're right on point, @notagoodstepmom! Welcome, and thanks for reading and sharing. Your stories concern me, and I'd love to hear more. My email is krb621@gmail.com

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  2. I completely, 100% relate to your frustration and irritation. When my fiance took his youngest child for her first haircut (after the egg donor had, oh, nearly 2 years to do it herself), the egg donor exploded. Ended up filing to drop off/pick up the kids at the police station, it was so bad. Over a HAIRCUT. She shares the attitude that everything has to be run by her first, even when it's truly none of her damn business.

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    1. Wow!! That's so terrible. I just don't understand why these women can't be happy that their child is receiving love. It's sad really.

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  3. I have googled and googled and ran across your blog. I feel so alone through this process. I have friends and family who were fortunate enough that they don't have my type of issues. I am so in love with my husband. He is the man of my dreams and I appreciate everything he has done for our family. However, due this his ex wife I sometime feel like cutting my loss and giving up. We have his children every other weekend and every other major holiday, school holiday and 6 weeks in the summer. I am not allowed to attend any of their children's extracurricular activities, I am not allowed to do their daughters hair, I am not allowed to expect the children to behave. The children are not allowed to give me hugs. She does not send them with clothes, so I purchased them with things that they need for our home. Their mother said apparently we had too much money if we were splurging, so she took my husband back to court for an increase in child support. She calls, text, and shows up at our house yelling and screaming and demanding things from my husband. This past Christmas we sent the children home with a few of their gifts and she threw them out of her window and r an over them. She has attacked me and we've had to call the police. We've since gotten restraining orders and have to pay guardians to pick up the children. It is just so overwhelming. I completely throw my hands up.

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    1. Thanks for writing! This has got to be one of the worst cases I've heard of. I'm so sorry for what you're enduring. I've honestly entertained the "cut and run" idea myself, but I stay because I love this man and I know his daughters need a good example to love them too. Hope your situation improves! Feel free to write anytime.

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  4. Oh wow, I feel your pain. My step daughter lives with us, has for 2yrs now... and we can't get her a haircut without being scolded, apparently we're supposed to ask before we get her a trim... even though I am the one that has to brush it every morning and put up with the fits. Of course this is not the only thing, just happens to be the most recent and most ridiculous.

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  5. I stumbled on this blog, and this post resonated with me. I'm a stepmom to two, and bio mom to 1. I feel like I actually knew what I was taking on when I decided to marry my husband and become a stepmom, but like you, I had no idea that meant I was taking on his ex-wife for all eternity as well. I tried to have a good working relationship with her initially, but she lied to me so many times, and then took me and my husband to court for extra child support, and tried to get more custody time with them to get more money, (despite recently being arrested with a DUI and possession of narcotics with the intent to sell, the judge decided bio mom deserves a second chance and gave her BACK 50% custody) and since then the relationship has completely fallen apart. I have no respect for this woman and unfortunately she knows it. The problem is, her and I both love our kids. These kids happen to have her DNA, but I am helping to raise them, and I adore them. However in today's society, there is so much attention and support for the LGBT community, but it seems like there is no support for the evil stepmom. What are stepmoms who actually love their step kids supposed to do? Are we always just supposed to slink in the background, and never really make an appearance? Are we not supposed to show that we Love our step kids? Are we supposed to just be the really fun aunt who happens to live with their dad? There really is no guidance or hard set rules for us. We don't get to rant and rave that school personnel are acting bigoted towards us or yell at other moms for staring at us and talking about us behind their back's. It angers me that pretty much any other kind of family gets given a free pass, but the step mom is always wrong. When I went to register my stepson at school, I heard the teachers talking about me behind my back, they even said, "that's the stepmom." I couldn't help myself and went over to them to find out what was being said. Two hours later, I received an apology after they had dug up the court papers ( I told them that before they started judging me they needed to read the court documents that were provided to the school, And not go off of the gossip that they had obtained from bio mom) and saw that I am not the evil person that the biological mother called and told them about. But the damage was done. I was hurt. I'm not a bad person, I'm a good person, but that doesn't seem to jive with being a stepmom in today's society. Some days, I seriously wish I was just gay, because it seems like society is a lot more accepting of that, than they are of the stepmom. Do you think being a stepmom is ever going to be "cool"? Do you think we're ever going to get our moment to shine? Do you think people will ever actually stop judging us and realize that we really are superheroes?

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    1. Thanks so much for expressing your thoughts hear! I understand so well how you are feeling! I'm sorry that happened to you at school--it sadly happens way to often with stepmoms. Even stepdads I feel are not treated nearly as badly as we are. Your questions at the end are on point. I wish the answers could be "yes", but I'm not confident I'll ever live to see that. It's up to us to make a difference--to speak up and show that we are good people!

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  6. I have been a stepmother for the past 13 years to 3 kids. When I met my husband, he was divorced & raising the kids & also have full custody. I didn't have any kids of my own at the time, but has since given him 5 babies & 1 more on the way. I could write a book on step parenting. I'm far from perfect but could give just a little advice to the "sick & tired" stepmother. I understand that your husband had a previous life before you, but please do not be a doormat. As long as you say nothing and let that ex wife run the show, you will be miserable and never happy. She is the past, but you are the present and the future. Don't inconvenience yourself or your marriage and constantly change things around for her "convenience!" I stand my ground & remain very firm when dealing with my husband's ex and the kids. I'm not nasty, but They all know that I don't take any crap!

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    1. Wow! You definitely have your hands full! Thank you so much for your experienced advice! I will definitely take it to heart.

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  7. I appreciate reading this so much!! I am dealing with a less than cooperative bio mom who does the same things and some days I feel like I'm just going to lose my nerve!! Why can't these women see that working together would make everyone's life SO much easier!?!?!?!

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    1. I agree! Why can't they see how simple it really could be? We are all just here trying to love these children. Thanks for reading!

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