Family Tree

So Kate came home with a family tree project due for Spanish class (3rd grade). She had 1/2 poster board and instructions for a basic family tree, with herself at the bottom, and branching up and out, labeling all relative names in Spanish. I started digging for pictures of Jason's family and she started painting her tree. I explained we would need to use only half of her tree and she could complete her mom's side of the tree at her mom's house. That's when the confusion began.

Kate: "But what about you? You're my mom. Where do you go on my tree?"

Me: "Well there's only room for one mom on here, so let's just stick with blood relatives--let's only do people who are directly in your family line and we'll have to leave out people who married into your family."

Kate: "Well, I already have Grandma and Papa. Now where do I put Grandma Cindy and Uncle Jim and Aunt Kelli?" (my family)

Me: "Kate, yes, we are all part of your family, but none of us are blood related like I explained. I married into your family. So we aren't going to be on this particular project."

Kate: "Well can't I just do 2 family trees?"

Me: "Kate, look. You didn't actually come from two separate families. When you were born, there was one mom and one dad. That's how we need to make this tree. I love you like my own, but I didn't give birth to you. So let's just put your mom and her family on here, because that's what a family tree is. If sometime you have to do one again, maybe we can ask for a bigger poster so you can include your stepmom and stepdad, ok?"

I thought she finally understood and was appeased, and then the next day she asked where she was going to put her stepdad! Gotta love the complexity of blended families and learn to just roll with it!

A response to my critics

Let me just address (now that I've had a week to cool off) some hate I've received over my blog lately.

1. If you don't like what I write here, go away. No one is forcing anyone to read, agree with, or comment on anything I write. This blog is therapeutic for me and allows me a place to vent and feel heard without upsetting anyone in my family. I have never claimed that all of my feelings are good, right, or justifiable. They're just feelings. I don't have to defend them to anyone. This blog will NEVER be seen by Kate or Jane, and they will not ever be hurt by anything I have written.

2. I have never been, nor ever intend to be, rude, mean, or disrespectful towards bio mom. Yes, I'm a stepmom--read the title genius! There IS going to be conflict and hurt feelings. But, I have never once taken them out on her or the kids. Again, this is my place to vent. I talk about conflicts and messy situations. All the good, easy-going times don't get mentioned, because they are drama-free. My relationship with bio mom is better than probably 90% of other stepmom/ biomom situations. We do a very good job of putting the kids first, the past behind us, and acting like adults. So take your judgmental attitude somewhere else, thank you very much.

3. Comments that my husband moved on "pretty fast" after his divorce are just outright lies and unfounded. If you want to attack me, fine, but don't drag my innocent husband into your sad, twisted, hateful world. He was single dad for nearly two years while his ex went through the affair boyfriend, met and got engaged with new boyfriend, was pregnant, and married for over a year before we ever even got engaged.

No girl grows up dreaming of becoming stepmom someday. No girl imagines becoming a parent the same day she says "I do." No girl anticipates her honeymoon and romantic dates being interrupted by texts and calls from his ex. No girl has goals to mother kids one day that already have a mother. No girl plans to put her parents in an awkward "step-grandparent" situation. You get the point. It's not ideal. But some of us fall in love with a great man, and we do whatever it takes to make it work, messy or not, perfect or not, ideal or not. So pardon me as I continue on my personal journey through good and bad as a stepmom and wife.

Dwelling on the Positive

The holiday season can be a bit rough in blended families. Ours is by far NOT terrible, judging by some other horror stories I've read; however it is still emotionally and psychologically draining to be around, cooperative with, and even attempting to exhibit the holiday spirit with the "other parents" so much during this time. I'm choosing to dwell on things that have made me happy lately, and striving to look for small treasures of joy during each day that I can focus on instead of letting myself get all frazzled and stressed out.

1. Kate left me a sweet note on our dry erase board saying "I love you sweet mom."

2. Jane proudly stated "Our brains are just alike" when we were looking through catalogs and picking dresses we liked or didn't like.

3. They are both super excited about the Christmas cookies I baked and beg for more every few minutes.

4. Kate thanked me for "making the house look so pretty for Christmas." (They're lucky to be organized enough to get a tree up--much less ornaments--at their other house more than a couple days before Christmas.)

5. Jane actually answered my texts and called me on Thanksgiving to say she loves and misses us.

6. Kate was very glad I made her a birthday cake a few days early and saved a piece, because she didn't get a cake at her other house on her actual birthday.

It's definitely the little things that can make a day so much sweeter and multiply my happiness. My happiness doesn't come from being recognized, or being the "better mom" or having my girls around. I'm learning to be happy whether they are with me or not, whether they're being sweet or little devils. My happiness needs to be within, no matter my circumstances. My marriage depends on that. Staying positive when things are not going my way is vital to success in a blended family. I'm writing this for my own benefit so I can re-read it all month long and stay focused. Let's have a happy holiday season!

Part Time Parenting

I've been needing to blog for a while, but haven't been able to organize my thoughts into anything that would be readable or make sense. So I decided to make some lists because that always helps me organize. Here's my pros and cons (as they come to me) of being a part time parent--meaning, kids are with us 50% and over at bio mom's 50% (more or less).

Pros:

1. Hubby and I rarely have to find a babysitter. We can plan all of our alone time around the girls' schedule.

2. We get to travel a lot more than we would with full time kids.

3. Having a few days "off" lets me get my head right and be more refreshed and less frustrated and irritated at every little thing they do. (Sometimes, after they've been with me for a week straight, I feel like all I do is correct them by the end of the week.)

4. When I am missing them, I always think about what I love about them. It helps me focus on the positive things.

5. I get to have the occasional "lazy" day where all I want to do is stay in my yoga pants, drink coffee, and surf the net, without worrying about laundry, dinner, taking kids here and there.

6. The kids are always more happy to see us after being away for the weekend. If they were here every day, I don't know that they'd ever be happy to see me.

Cons:

1. I'm missing 50% of their childhood.

2. Parenting conflicts with other household. (Example, this week Kate's teacher told us that she needs to not be so exclusive with one other friend. They need to include other girls in their friendship. I agreed and talked to Kate about what she can do to work on this. Bio mom thought teacher was out of line and is encouraging Kate to be even more exclusive with the friend.)

3. Having to constantly coordinate with the other household for scheduling events, parties, recitals, games, buying things. (Another example-- we just booked Kate's birthday party on a date that was formerly agreed upon by both houses. Six days before the party, the bio mom wants to move it because of a conflict, when we already paid a deposit. We have to work together to book summer trips. We have to constantly communicate about who is going to send money to the class mom, who is buying school photos, who is buying books from the book fair, who is getting volleyball and basketball shoes and uniforms, who is paying for voice lessons, who is paying for musical costumes, etc. It's constant coordination, and if one side is upset with the other, communication gets dropped, and the kids hurt for it.)

4. Sometimes not knowing what the kids have been doing for the last five days makes me feel somewhat alienated when I pick them up, almost like we have to get to know each other all over again and get back into our routine every time they've been gone longer than 2 days.

5. Losing nice stuff we buy them. This has gotten a little better as they get older, but it can be really upsetting when we buy them nice clothes, toys, books, whatever, and they wear/take them over to bio mom's, and we never see it again. (Jane this summer left a brand new outfit on the floor of their hotel in New York. Kate let her brother play with a nice electronic and he broke it. I could go on and on.)

6. Feeling like the "mean parents". Hubby and I have rules--strict rules I suppose. We are always present and involved and know what the kids are up to. They know exactly what they can and can't do. And they know there are going to be consequences for crossing the line. At bio mom's however, there is zero supervision, zero rules, zero accountability. Whatever goes. I know in the long run, our rules are safer and better for them. However, in the present, it stings when they call me "mean". I also wonder what it does to the girls to not be allowed to do something or act a certain way for a few days, and then other days, they can get away with it. Are we really teaching them anything? Do our rules do any good if they're only for 50% of their lives? I don't know--maybe 50% of the lessons we teach them will stick!

Overheard...

Rushing through the grocery store, a very loud phone conversation caught my attention. This lady did not care WHO heard her! It reminded me that we are not alone, and there's always a stepparent out there who has it worse than you. This is the part I heard:

"That is not what she told us."

"I'm telling you all this for YOUR daughter's good. I don't care what she told you. I'll give you the address and you can go see for yourself."

"Babe, she doesn't even have a bed to sleep in at that house. I mean, where does she sleep? In the living room where everyone is walking through and doing who knows what? This is YOUR daughter, and she doesn't even have a bed! You need to get on board and feel what I'm feeling for her."

I know this is just one side of one side of this family's story, but it makes me sad for all the kids who are neglected because parents are too selfish to provide for them. I'm thankful to have a husband who puts his family's needs and wants way before his own, and I'm thankful the situation at their mother's isn't this bad. They may be dirty and messy, but at least they have a bed.

Letting out Steam

Time to Vent! I apologize in advance if you think this blog is too negative or self-centered. But this is MY place to vent and get things off my chest so that it doesn't come between my husband or kids and I later.

So, let's go there and talk about completely incompetent bio-mom.

Number 1: Jane's pills. Jane has 2 monthly prescriptions for pills she takes every day, and has had to take a pill every day for 7 years, so this is nothing new. For the past 2 years, I have been responsible (to help out my husband) for calling in the scripts, going to physically pick up the scripts, dropping the scripts at the pharmacy, going back to pick up meds when ready, distributing half to bio mom. Yes, it's quite an ordeal, and saves my husband a lot of time. Well, bio mom's insurance changed and the prescribing doctor is no longer in network. Her words: "I'll take care of it." (Husband and I roll our eyes at each other.) Go figure, 30 days later Jane has no medicine and no new doctor. Bio mom: "I'll get it tomorrow." Tomorrow, bio mom to me: "I'm so busy, can you take care of Jane's pills?" My thinking: Really!! Wow, now that she's been without meds for several days and you've done nothing about it, you decide to ask me for help? You are completely laughable. I thought you "had it under control"? Ha. What a joke. I drive over to pick up her insurance cards, and kids say they've all been laying around watching TV for the last 3 hours! O.M.G!!! You were too freakin busy doing what? Sitting on your fat butt?? Unbelievable.

Guess what? It's now 30 days later again, and guess who still has no pills and no new doctor? Yeah. Guess "too-involved" little ol stepmom is going to have to handle this one too. What a surprise.

Number 2: Immunizations. So, an entire month before school started, I (yes, me-stepmom) had to take care of filling out registration forms for school, because--yeah, someone else had promised to do it and didn't. I immediately inform my husband and bio mom that Jane is going to need three shots before starting 7th grade. Bio mom: "I'll take care of it." Great. (A very sarcastic "great"). She proceeds to tell us the day before school that she checked with Jane's pediatrician and all her shots are up to date and she'll just turn in a shot record at school. Um, nooo--it doesn't work that way. Their school requires three specific shots the summer before 7th grade. It's impossible that she has gotten them already. My husband says, "Just let her do her thing and find out she's wrong later." So today we get the email from school: "Jane cannot come back on premises until she is compliant with immunization regulations." I did a HUGE "I told you so" dance in my head! Duh! What is she thinking anyway? But no one listens to stepmom. No, just slap my hand and tell me I'm too involved, and you can handle this because you're "the mom." Okay, sure, just like you handle everything else..... YOU DON'T!

So guess who has to schedule an emergency appointment for shots and rush the doctor note over to school so Jane doesn't miss many classes? Yep, you guessed it: stepmom. Apparently bio moms only want to take care of fun stuff like hair cuts and make up and fancy, cute clothes.

"We are the women who..."

This article by Barbara Goldberg of The Evil Stepmother Speaks really touched me. I wish bio moms, kids, and our husbands really understood all of these points. Go read it!

Who Is that Stepmother Woman?

4 Things that can only stress a Step

!

This is my "Intimate Journey" according to my title, so I'll tell you exactly how this train of thought started. I am completely happy with my body all except for a couple inches of belly bulge. Since the age of 28, I have not been able to burn off belly fat any time I please like I used to. An extra workout, skip a meal, drink more water was all it took before, and I had a flat stomach again in a day or two. Not so much anymore. I can workout for a month straight, eat nothing but turkey burgers and broccoli, and the belly fat stays on. You probably already know it is related to the hormone cortisol, which is multiplied by stress and/or simple carbs (sugar). Yes, I like my sweets. But I cut out sweets, and guess what, belly bulge is still here. So I thought about stress. What causes me stress? I was surprised to find all my answers revolved around "stepmom" status.

1. What if I am the reason the kids decide one day they want to live with bio mom? I mean, if I lose it one too many times, or have too strict of rules, or make them do too many chores, they have the option in a few years to just up and leave. STRESS!

2. How will the kids ever turn out ok when there is no discipline, guidance, or even time for love and listening 50% of their lives? I am daily stunned by the things my girls say go on at bio mom's. I know I have to take it all with a grain of salt, because who knows how they portray our house to her! But seriously, no one puts them to bed at night? They just fall asleep in their clothes wherever they happen to be reading or watching TV. Kate comes back after 3 days and hasn't showered or changed underclothes since her last day with us. Jane (12 years old) was given by bio mom a strapless mini dress--yes, you read that right--a strapless mini dress to wear this summer in New York! Trying to hard to be a friend instead of a parent, you think?? MAJOR STRESS!

3. What if my girls don't want a relationship with me once they're grown and gone? After all, I'm "daddy's wife". What if they feel no need to stay close? They've been living with so much pressure all their lives to keep both "moms" happy. Maybe they're really tired of that, and will just want 1 mom so they don't have to worry about our hurt feelings all the time? MORE STRESS!

4. Am I getting too involved? I notice other stepparents, and read several articles indicating that my level of participation in my kids lives is way above average. There are dangers involved with this. It can lead to resentment and bitterness down the road. Most of what I do started because I wanted to help ease the load of responsibilities for my husband. So I slowly started taking things over. Now, I'm in so deep, I don't think I could back off even if I need to. I take them to dentists and doctors. I register them for school. I buy all their clothes and shoes. I make the birthday cakes. I help at school functions. I decorate their rooms. On and on it goes. I've managed to worm my way into every area of their lives, and I just hope it is truly what THEY need, and not what I want. I hope it's healthy for them. I don't want them to look back later and think, "Man, she tried way too hard to be Mom." Back seat stepparents seem to have far less drama and hurt feelings! STRESS, STRESS, STRESS!

I'm sure you other stepparents can add some good ones to this list! In the mean time, I will go have some chocolate since it seems my belly fat isn't going away any time soon anyways.

Liebster Award

I am flattered to have Heather from Life of a Traveling Navy Wife nominate my blog for the Liebster award. I'm going to copy the details from her post, and then get to my questions:

For those who don't speak German, Liebster means sweet, kind, nice, endearing, beloved, lovely, pleasant, valued, welcome. You receive the award because someone thinks that highly of you - and you pass it forward to other bloggers who inspire you to feel that way about them.

The Rules of the Liebster Award

•Each person must post 11 things about themselves by answering the questions that the nominator has set for you.

•Create 11 questions for the people you’ve nominated to answer.

•Choose 11 people (with less than 200 followers) and link to them in your post.

•Go to their page and let them know (or contact them through social media).

•No tag backs!

1. What question do you hate to answer? "Do you have kids?" is never fun if the person asking is someone who is in some way affiliated with the kids' school, extra-curricular activities, or who may some day meet "the other mom" and realize that I was actually JUST the "step". I will answer "yes" to this question with no hesitation when we are vacationing somewhere or talking to strangers that will in no way ever figure out that I'm not "bio mom". Otherwise, I feel the need to say, "Yes, I have two girls. Well, actually they're my stepdaughters." And then I just love watching the facial expressions as the person tries to come up with some kind of positive response.

2. If happiness were the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? This is hard to narrow down! I will go with baking. I love to bake goodies, cookies, brownies, bars, cakes, and pies! I love trying new recipes and adding my own twist.

3. How did you choose the title of your blog? I wanted to be very clear what my blog would be about. I had a blog several years ago that was just about anything and everything. This time around, I needed an outlet for all my new and mixed up feelings about being "stepmom", and realized very quickly that using my husband as that outlet all the time wasn't very healthy!

4. What is your favorite charity and why? I can't say that I have a favorite. I've donated to Kidd's Kids, which takes terminally ill kids and their families to Disney for a week once a year. I've donated to some others and to local churches and missions. Nothing obvious stands out that I'm passionate about at this point in my life. I guess I need to get on it!

5. Most daring thing you've done in your adult life? At the age of 24, I just packed up my life and moved from South Carolina to San Antonio, knowing only one person out here. Later I learned to SCUBA dive, and dove to a depth of about 100 feet with the largest ocean animal--whale sharks! Which seems more daring?

6. What was the best meal you've ever had? It was without a doubt a meal in Cozumel, MX. We were exploring the island, and came across this place called "Alberto's" right on the beach. It was just a little shack with tables and chairs set up in the sand, but advertised "the best lobster tail anywhere"... And it totally WAS! It was so delicious. I don't even remember what came with the lobster, but I've never had it that good anywhere else since.

7. Craziest thing in your refrigerator right now? Bottles of my husband's home-brewed beer, which endearingly enough, have a picture of my face pasted all over the labels!! (Hope you caught that sarcasm) =)

8. What one book would you recommend to your readers? I have a thing for self-analyzation books, and The Five Love Languages completely changed the way I viewed myself, my relationships, others, and taught me how to love and be loved.

9. Road trip or airplane? Definitely road trip! I have to fly a lot to get where we're going, but I hate it. I'm not scared or nervous about actually flying. I detest the process of being pushed around and told what you can and cannot do, and being groped up and felt down at security, and changes to your schedule that are beyond your control... ugh.. I could go on for days about bad airport experiences.

10. Sweet or salty? Easy one--SWEET!!! A million times over.

11. What is your favorite indulgence? Deluxe spa pedicures. LOVE them, but I don't get to pamper myself too often.

Thanks for the great questions! They definitely made me stop and think.

I need to read up on my favorite blogs and find out who hasn't been nominated yet before I nominate 11 more. Thanks again for this opportunity Heather.

Happy Friday all!

Mind Games

I've written before about a time when Kate put me into an awkward position by stating, "My mom doesn't like you. Do you like her?" Ah, the innocent frankness of kids! Gotta love it. Anyway, lately she has been playing these mind games with me, like she intends to trap me saying something negative about her mom or spending time with her mom. It goes something like this:

Kate: Are you going to miss me when I go to NY with mom?

Me: Of course I am! I hope you have a great time!

Kate: Oh, you want me to have a good time? So that means you're glad I'm leaving you?

Me: Well, I'm not glad you won't be with me, but I AM glad you have the chance to go somewhere and do something fun!

Kate: So you're mad that I'm leaving you?

Me: No, I'm not mad! Of course I'll miss you, but I'm glad you get to go.

Kate: Oh, so you want me to leave you? You're glad I'll be with mom instead of you?

Me: UUGGGGHHHHH!! You are impossible, child!!

Kids always know just how to test your patience, don't they? As if it's not already complicated enough to explain our "blended situation" in 100% positive-"we're a team; everyone loves everyone"-approach, she has to go and try to trip me up!

So there you have a Kate story since it's all been about Jane lately =). Next week we have our family vacation, and then it's right back to school..... Where did the summer go??