Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Stepdad vs. Stepmom
As I am out and about around other people, my ears always prick up when there is any talk of stepparents or blended family situations. These conversations, combined with movies, TV, and songs paint such a contrasting picture of how stepdads and stepmoms are perceived in this world. Here's my interpretations:
STEPDAD:
~How wonderful for this man to take on some dead-beat's kids and raise them as his own.
~Takes a great guy to be able to step in and love a woman AND her kid.
~Those kids really needed a guy like that in their lives.
~He's really doing the right thing by showing those kids what a father should be.
STEPMOM:
~Who does she think she is, taking over those kids? She's not their mom.
~That woman will never have a bond with those kids like their REAL mother does.
~She probably just married that guy for money and can't wait to get rid of the kids.
~She better check herself and not try to parent those kids. Her place is just to be friendly and no more.
Seriously, why is there such a difference in perceptions? "Stepdad" does not have the evil, wicked, dark cloud hanging over it's head like "Stepmom" does. Why are stepdads perceived as heroes while stepmoms are assumed gold-diggers with evil intentions? Is it all thanks to Cinderella and Snow White movies? Is it because kids pick up on mothers' jealousy and resentment towards the new woman, while men aren't quite as given to being emotional about the ex-wife's new partner? However it started, it is clearly an injustice. There are equal numbers of good and bad moms, dads, stepmoms, and stepdads. No one group is superior to the other, and it's up to us as individuals to prove that over time.
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Found your blog while doing a google search and this one hit really close to home. I'm a stepmom to 2 kids who we have every other weekend. Their mom had a guy move in with her and the kids about 4 months after she separated from my husband, yet no one (not even my husband) gave him a hard time. Immediately upon moving in, he went to all school events and the kids started calling him "Dad", again, no screams from the peanut gallery. My husband even told the kids they needed to respect their stepdad (even after stepdad pushed one of the kids in anger). Two years later, I come along. The hatred their mother feels for my husband is palpable on our first meeting. She later accuses me (via email) of things I did not do, so needless to say, we don't have a relationship. After my husband and I get engaged and I go to school and sporting events, he receives nasty texts that I'm just "some girl he's dating" and "not family" and have no right to be at anything. I'm supposed to walk the line of treating them like guests (not expecting them to do anything or behave in ways that would be expected if they were my children), but not making them feel like guests when they are with us. In addition, my husband's family seems to think that I'm just waiting to cut the kids out of his will (he sometimes seems to think so, too), all oblivious to the fact that he actually has nothing and I'm contributing my own resources to provide for the children. It's so frustrating. I knew being a stepmom would be hard, but I just wished others were more conscious of how their perceptions of and expectations for stepmothers makes the role that much worse.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and sharing your experience! It is crazy ridiculous how many people judge us without thinking it through. I mean, why was mom's boyfriend allowed at all activities right away with no backlash? Yet we show up to one thing, sit in the back, don't talk to anybody--and suddenly we are trying to take over the kids' life! It's definitely a problem not limited to one or two stepmoms--it's an epidemic!
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