~Welcome to my personal story as a first time wife and stepmom. I use this space to share real life happenings in a blended family, funny stories, my personal frustrations, failures, and occasional victories as I journey through this life with two beautiful and challenging stepdaughters. Thanks for reading, and I hope you find something to help you have a better day!~

Saturday, May 20, 2017

If Being a Stepmom Were a Picture

Yesterday, I was in a moment of extreme frustration, and one of those lightbulbs went off in my head saying "This is what being a stepmom is. Look around. This scene, this feeling, this frustration, this emotion... all of this literally defines 'stepmom'." I wish I had snapped a picture, but that would just be too perfect.

I was at Kate's 5th grade awards ceremony. The school makes a big deal of leaving 5th and heading to middle school, so I had bought Kate a nice dress and curled her hair, etc. At the ceremony, I was sitting in the back all ready with my camera when they called her name. Suddenly bio mom stands up right in the middle of the aisle 3 or 4 rows ahead of me, and STAYED STANDING THE ENITRE TIME Kate was up there. (Most parents kneel down or squat to make room and not block anyone else). So I couldn't get a single picture without her blocking my view.

And I thought, "Isn't this so true for stepmoms? We've done all the work behind the scenes to get them to this point. I've been the one signing papers and helping with projects and making her study and getting her ready for this day. Then when the moment to shine comes, it's all bio mom, and we are stuck behind her being blocked out by her big butt".... of course I mean that completely metaphorically ;)

But that just seems to be the lot for a majority of us, which honestly is fine with me. I don't want the glory or the spotlight, but at least one picture would have been nice! At the end I asked to see her awards and certificates, and Kate said her mom took them. When I asked to just look at them and give them back, bio mom said "No, I'll make copies for you", which she has said at every awards show for 5 years and we've never once received copies! Times like these, I feel so out of place, like I shouldn't even attend and I don't belong. But I hold it together and smile for Kate's sake. It's good practice for graduation and wedding day and every other important event still to come.

14 comments:

  1. maegan@healthline.comMay 30, 2017 at 3:12 PM

    Hi Kristi,

    Healthline would like to congratulate you on making our list of the Best Step Mom Blogs of 2017!

    Our editors carefully selected the most up-to-date, informative, and inspiring blogs that aim to uplift their readers through education and personal stories. We’re glad to have you on the list!

    We’ve created a badge that you can embed on your site to let your readers know about your win. The embed code is at the link below.

    Winners list: http://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/best-step-mom-blogs
    Badge to embed: http://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/best-step-mom-blogs-badge

    If you have any questions or need help embedding the badge, feel free to be in touch. Congratulations and keep up the great blogging!

    Warmly,
    Maegan

    --
    Maegan Jones | Content Coordinator
    Healthline
    Your most trusted ally in pursuit of health and well-being

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow! Way to put your feelings aside! That's hard work!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you April! It really is a daily struggle. Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  3. This describes my life perfectly. Keep your head up and here's to hoping that things get better for both of us!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for Reading! Sorry to hear your situation is less than ideal! Yes, let's keep encouraging each other in this struggle!

      Delete
  4. Thank you! I needed to read this today. It is a constant struggle and although I am 7 years into this journey, I still can figure out exactly what my role looks like. It’s nice to know there are others in the same boat 😀

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for reading! It can really be tough and I think our role is somewhat fluid--constantly changing as the children grow up and circumstances change. Keep positive!

      Delete
  5. I also needed to see this particular blog today. We have recently found ourselves in the middle of a custody war with the kids' bio mom based on lies and her greed for money. I have been taking care of the kids for over two years now due to her bad decisions and drug problems, and it seems like it's never even noticed. It's soooo incredibly frustrating.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heather, thanks so much for reading and commenting. I'm sorry to hear it has gone that far for you! It IS so frustrating and feeling like you don't even exist and helpless is the worst! Stay positive! I hope things turn out as best they can for you and the kids!

      Delete
  6. Wow! This is exactly how I am finding myself all of a sudden start to feel. I have raised my 2 step kids for 12 yrs with my husband His X was in and out of the picture this whole time because of drug use. She finally got sober a few years back and now has decided to step back into their lives. My oldest step daughter is 21 has her own place and works hard for what she has and my step son is 15 in high school getting very good grades Well now that she's decided to leave her husband and she moved to our town, where she started her drug problem, and is I guess trying to make up for lost time I totally get that in a sense but she has never had a parental mindset. She has always been the fun party mom that let's them do whatever they want So now even sober she is continuing that role while I'm still the step mom making sure my step son does his chores, does homework, which has left me feeling like, I've done all the work of raising the kids and she just gets to step back into their lives with once again no responsibility, but to just be the fun mom and hang out. I am just at a very frustrating point because I can't help feel hurt but I pray I can let go of my anger about this because it's eating me alive inside!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my goodness! I feel for you! Hope things have gotten better! Thanks for sharing

      Delete
  7. Wow, I feel like i have died and gone to heaven by finding this blog. I ended up here because I am about to start my own blog to record the journey I am on with my step/bonus kids. Bio mom in my case, loves to remind me that I don't have any children, so in her opinion, I have no idea how to be a mom. I get down right MAD, because she has NEVER done things properly, in order, decent or even logically. She is all about herself, and is so very irrational, immature, and quite frankly psychotic most of the time. I have always just wanted to be an "added bonus" in their life. I explain it like this, "I am just another adult in their life who can offer some advice, guidance, wisdom, and most of all - LOVE. There's no such thing as too much love." Well, through the years, the children became rather bitter toward her because of her selfishness, and they demanded that she let them live with their Dad. The school made a report with the local CPS, and although the children weren't taken from her, it was pretty well established that they should be allowed to live with us. Oh my gosh, it's only been 4 months, but what a world of difference in everything about them. Their grades went from C's, D's and F's to A's and B's. They look healthy and happy, and they are talking about things that they never seemed to be mindful of. We could never get them to tell us what they want to be when they grow up, now, each day they come home with new revelations about their future careers. Ironically, I am the strict one; yet, they run to me whenever they need advice, don't understand something, and even if they have done something wrong. (As I type this, the 14-yr-old who I grounded today, just brought me my favorite snack - ice cream with chocolate syrup and peanuts.) Many days I feel very inadequate most days, but, then I either consult with any one of the Godly Mom's in my circle, or I ask myself, "what would my Step Dad do?" I say that, not because he was better than my Mom, oh no, she's the best Mom in the world...but, him... that guy that CHOSE to love me, even though he didn't have to, and even when I was hard to love - He is what I want to be when I grow up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow Michele! I really feel for you. Thanks for sharing all this. Wishing you much luck in the future!

      Delete